Fury as BA strike condemns millions to spend Christmas in UK

The decision of British Airways staff to strike over Christmas will leave millions in front of crap television and dull weather, customers claim. The airline is facing a deluge of complaints as irate customers face missing out on holidays in Mauritius, Paris and New York, leaving them stuck in Carlisle, Doncaster and even some parts of Wales.

BA customer Richard Marland had two weeks planned in Madrid but will now be spending Christmas in a suburb of York. "I had it all figured," said Marland, "I was going to party non-stop. Women, drugs and booze going in any orifice I could find. All I'm left with now is hoping that the boiler won't break down. And that my parents forget where I live."

Some of British Airways' customers are hoping that there will be a breakthrough in talks between the union and the airline. Carol Bingham, a mother of four hoping to get away from burnt turkey and a deluge of films they've already seen on DVD said, "They've just get to reach an agreement. I've worked all year to fund this trip to America as it is the one place I know I won't hear that f**king Slade. If the two sides don't settle, I'll have to stuff my ears with their internal organs."

The possibility of remaining in the United Kingdom is taking its toll on those waiting at airports around the country. One man was seen at Heathrow rocking backwards and forwards, simply repeating, "French and Saunders, I just know they'll show French and Saunders."

Family urge anti-capitalist son not to be an asshole around Christmas

A family based in Bromley has put out an urgent appeal to their son begging him to not ruin Christmas by shouting excerpts of Karl Marx at anyone wielding a cracker. The Hudsons, a family of four, are concerned that their son's militant tendencies will spoil the holiday season through harranguing his relatives with anti-capitalist rhetoric.

Mr. Hudson said, "Eric is a perfectly pleasant boy but he has just spent his first term at university and has picked up ideas that he doesn't really understand. He goes on and on about free markets and plutocracies. But when you ask him who Alan Greenspan is, he says he's a member of N-Dubz. I mean, that's possibly true but I'm pretty sure he does do other stuff."

However, Eric Hudson is unrepentant at his attitude to the festive season. "Don't give me all that stuff about people coming together, presents and happiness. It's about money and corporations and greed and yeah. It's just another phoney dressed up charade to fool us into perpetuating the capitalist system that enslaves us and exploits us and yeah." When asked if knew what quantative easing meant, Hudson replied, "Yeah, it's when you film someone shoplifting from Lidl. Safe."

Recession could be dispelled by morons' spending habits

The United Kingdom could soon find itself out of recession if idiots continue to spend money on crap, claim a panel of experts. The revelation comes as the high street chemist Boots admits that it sells homeopathic remedies even though they know that there is no evidence for them working. Keith Palmer, a manager of a Boots branch in Bromley said, "We're so lucky that our customers are mostly braindead spanners. We've been able to flog all kinds of tat on the grounds it'll improve your circulation and give you shinier toes. We're evening selling whistle oil. Apparently it gives your liver greater buoyancy."

The rate at which the tinctures of frog spittle are flying off the shelves has given Boots the idea of starting up other ventures with which to trap the gullible and the feeble-minded. Chief Executive of Boots Tug Bosendran give his outlook on the new winter collection. "We've got chocolate teapots, Katie Price novels and left elbow cream. If that doesn't draw in the punters, we've always got our back-up plan. I'm talking calendars with puppies dressed up as fireman together with the cast of Hollyoaks. It's a banker!"

The outlay of idiots on cheap crap currently accounts for 6.4% of the UK's GDP but experts expect this to rise as Christmas approaches. Professor Clive Bonnet of the Institute of Ersatz Academia gave his forecast for the coming season. "Although people have tended to rein in their spending as the recession has bitten, there is no accounting for divs. And as it gets closer to Christmas, people become ever more distant from reality. Expect to see perfectly people holding up hideous jumpers and saying 'Here, this would look nice on our Terry'. I know that I will."

MPs fight for the right to employ the only people that don't hate them

The backlash against Christopher Kelly's report into MPs expsenses has begun with MPs insisting that they should be allowed to employ family members on the grounds that everyone else thinks that they are scum. MPs claim that they have tried to hire ordinary members of the public in the past but the results have disastrous. Minister for the Cabinet, Tessa Jowell, revealed her difficulties with the recommended practice. "It was a nightmare. I had one secretary work just one morning in my department. The next I heard, she had decided to jump off a bridge. It's only my daughter who can put up with me. And that's only because I'm putting her through nursery."

Tory MP David Wilshire told of his problems in hiring outside help. "I interviewed one promising secretary and things seemed to be going well. I said 'What are your strengths?' She said, 'Good typing, I'm diligent and I have a good phone manner.' When I asked her about her weaknesses, she replied, 'I'll be poisoning your tea.' Now my wife and I may have some disagreements such as her screaming 'I hate your fat, pudgy, good for nothing face!' every time she wakes up. But it's never gotten to the point where I thought she was going to do put mousetraps in the filing cabinet."

A compromise should hopefully be reached over the issue of expsense with Kelly expected to implement a quota of outright thievery. Kelly said, "Of course the public are angry about the amount of greed and trough-guzzling that has been going on. But then again there's been public anger over so many things that MPs are quite used to it now. The war, cash for honours, the recession, I could go on. So it's important that we set a level of permissible larceny so everyone can stop getting angry and concentrate on X-Factor or whatever plemogram is occupying their time."

Economists face their longest ever stretch of being wrong

The country is still in recession with with no-one sure about where the next pound will show up. And now, newly released figures showing that Britain is facing a long stretch of having no economists who know what they are f**king talking about. The period of having to suffer thick-brained experts who have the temerity to call themselves doctors could be the longest in the country's history.

Rob Logan, a civil servant working under Chancellor Alistair Darling, despaired at the lack of any kind of economic expert in the country. "I had one in the other day from Manchester University. He promised the recession would soon be over. I asked him how he knew. He said the elf choir that live in the custard tree had promised it. I asked him to show me the proof but he had forgotten which plastic bag his papers were in. Incredible. I had to pay five grand for that."

Economists are quick to defend their theories and are keen to stress that the recession will be over soon. Professor Edward Quinlack of the Ersatz Institute of Academia has given his approval to economic growth. "If my theories are correct, we should see unparalled growth in every sector that it is left in the year. This is because the moon is crying and the half-pig man will shortly be married to the elventh son of the blossom king. And if that doesn't produce economic growth, I don't know what will. Now I'd like twenty grand please."

Goldman Sachs: Society worth destroying in pursuit of bonuses

Chairman of Goldman Sachs, Lord Griffiths, has insisted that society must be willing to collapse to allow bankers their rightful bonuses. The chairman of the bank told a captive audience that the public must learn to tolerate inequality in bankers' pay for a greater investment in the economy.

Speaking at the dinner, Griffiths said, "Say I am pissing in your face and laughing as I do it. Now, you may say to me, 'Excuse me but you've urinated in my face and are giggling whilst continuing to spew forth a large amount of piss into my face.' I would say to you that yes, I am soaking your face in effulent and having a riotous time whilst I'm at it. But at least I am taking the time to give you a golden shower and then possibly crap in your hair afterwards. I could be doing this with someone else you lucky, lucky devil.

"If we are to go forward as a society, those of us not pressing buttons and hoping numbers go up must be prepared to accept a large amount of piss coming their way. It's the only fair way. Although I'm not immune to the pains of society. It pains me to see a child out on the streets. Because that child could be working down a mine or in a clothing factory. But yet it's just lying there, wasting its time and not being economically viable."

Mr Griffiths finished his remarks before heading onto London's streets with a large net on a reported "recruitment drive."

Ryanair passengers to power their own flights

He has proposed a charge for using the toilet, a tax on those that cannot avoid stuffing their mouth with chips and asks for money for the simple task of checking in. Now Ryanair boss Michael O'Leary has unveiled his lastest plan for annoying every other single airline on the planet. From next year, Ryanair passengers will be allowed to remain in their seats or be able to take advantage of a discount and power their flight through an extensive session on a treadmill.

O'Leary defended the proposed venture saying, "Have you seen the price of fuel these days? It's ridiculous. And you see all these people on the plane, just sitting there, not doing a fecking thing apart from reading or desperately holding on whilst the only toilet is in use.

"I thought to myself, the plane's doing all the work here. These lazy feckers are having the time of the lives, buying crappy sandwiches and paying over the odds for drinks. Let's get 'em working."

Trial runs of the new scheme have already been tried with some success. Around one hundred and forty people were able to give a Boeing 747 a jump start and the galleys that keep the wings flapping have been operating at near full efficiency.

Less successful have been the attempts to replace the breaking devices with people holding their hands against the ground as they try and bring the plane to a stop. One passenger Edward Bridges told of his attempts to scrimp money back. "I was one of the people trying to make the plane skid to a halt by dragging my feet outside the window. But all we ended up doing was crashing into the terminal and taking several layers of skin off my hand. But I did save thirty quid. Nice one!"

MPs to reject report which claims they are utter shits

The auditor looking into the legitimacy of MPs expenses has compiled his report and the picture he has drawn is much the same as a seven year old's attempt to capture the Cornwall countryside; not pretty. Sir Thomas Legg's findings will show that a small minority of MPs are not taking advantage of their role as representatives of the people. However, the rest are the worst kind of scumbags known to humanity whose self-inflated sense of importance allows them to gorge on expenses because they feel they can pride themselves on twelve solid years of helping the country to go down the toilet.

But given that a large majority are contemptible jackasses whose only real talent is implementing mediocrity on a nationwide scale, most MPs are set to reject Legg's findings in order to keep themselves in gold-plated everything.

Ann Widdicombe, Conservative MP feels that she has done nothing wrong. "I have acted within the rules the entire time. Within the rules that I created obviously, which means that I decide what's right and wrong. So if I choose to be wrong, I will be. But I won't because I'm great."

Many of the MPs feel that the expenses are necessary for their work. John Mann, Labour MP, is insistent that they are required. "I have an exceptionally hard job to do and these expenses allow me to do that job. A job that requires not implementing regulation for the banking sector leading to the biggest recession ever seen in the Western world. A job that goes a long way to increasing the gap between rich and poor, leading to a more unequal society and a job that requires the continued loss of civil liberties. Which is why I need a swimming pool the size of Carlisle. In each wing. In each of my houses."

Postal strike to leave millions stranded without junk mail

The members of the postal union CWU have voted for industrial action by a majority of 3-1. The irony of postal workers deciding to take any sort of action seems to have been lost on at least 75% of those voting. The ramifications of this vote mean that the country will have to go for long stretches of time without important documents that they could easily get by email.

Sales worker Ellen Hutt said, "I'm devastated. Where am I going to get my bank records? Oh wait, they're all online. I'll just Skype my landlord to let him know that his rent will be on its way."

But for those people who are so lonely that junk mail is their only communication with the outside world, the results could be devastating. Secretary Pam Finesse is anxious about missing out on letters that advertise crap she does not need. "I just love getting a message about loans that I would never ever take in a million years. I'm very happy with my phone company but it's just nice to know that there is another one offering outstanding rates."

Civil servant Gordon Bloom describes the levels of desperation reached after a period without any mail. "There was a man pushing Indian takeaway menus through the door. I ran outside, hugged him tightly and said, 'You're a hero young man'. He then ran off before calling me a freak from the end of the road."

TV to be turned into one long advert

Product placement will be allowed on British programmes under new regulations that ensure that viewers won't go two seconds without missing a plug for hoovers. The new move will calm audiences that are confused by nature documentaries that feature frogs, rabbits and bears who are refuse to sing about chocolate, beer and pensions. Concerned parent Dominic Briers said, "I mean those things are just sitting there, eating, burping and licking themselves. My children come up and ask me why the monkeys aren't dancing in a synchronised formation to a catchy tune. Like they do in real life. I feel like going ahead and cancelling my order for a zebra right now."

Television chiefs have been quick to point out that any product placement that goes on will sensitively handled and in keeping with the content of the programme. The first product that will be showcased is Rustles Horse Manure which will feature in Katie Price's What Katie Did Next. A spokesperson for the dung said "It's a win-win situation for both of us. You've got a barrel load of the most pungent, foul-smelling, fetid crap you could ever imagine and Rustles Horse Manure. You couldn't think of a better combination. Well, other than Hollyoaks and Kleenex have already nabbed that one."

Hell reports slight drop in temperature

Chancellor of the Exchequer and Office Support Manager to the Underworld, Alistair Darling, has announced that sulphurous chambers of hell are slightly cooler than usual. The last year has seen the fiery pits of eternal damnation maintain a consistent temperature of insufferable ranging to face-meltingly hot. Yet Darling is confident that measures put in by the government will see the temperature continue to fall from a blistering one million degrees to a balmy nine hundred and ninety nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety eight. "And that's Fahrenheit!" exclaimed Darling, applying some salve to a particularly charred hand.

The news will come as some relief to those who have seen their homes and businesses swallowed up by the raging inferno. Bob Tickoff, whose central heating supply went under last year, is confident of a pick-up in business in the new year. "There's always money in central heating," said Tickoff, "even if you are surrounded by insufferable heat for the rest of eternity. I know things are looking bad at the moment but once the temperature of hell reaches a frosty nine hundred and ninety nine thousand, nine hundred and seventy degrees, I'll be laughing."

France and Germany come out of recession just to piss Britain off

It’s the economic miracle that few expected, a recovery that is faster than Cristiano Ronaldo’s after not getting a free kick. Germany and France have both reported strong economic growth which has been put down to a strong desire by both countries to show up Britain for the sherry-drinking, losing at every single game they invented, ain’t isn’t this all just a bit too quaint nabobs they know them to be. France’s economic minister Dominique Vache said, “I stick it to you English farthounds with your poor manufacturing industry coupled with a lax approach to financial regulation. Now I must go and smoke Gauloises with my outrageously sexy mistress.”

The reasons behind the Franco-German renaissance appear to be two-fold. The first is a commitment to supporting industries that have the promise of increasing exports. The other is the decision not to hand over money to the people who have the same familiarity with financial prudence as Paris Hilton has with modesty. German finance minister Miriam Meissner offered her approach to people working in the financial industry. “They’re all right guys but the love of god, don’t take your wallet into a meeting with them. And never, ever have a meal with them in a restaurant. Last time, I was left with the tab plus seven other tabs they’d accrued elsewhere.”

The triumphal spirit amongst the French and the Germans has spread to their general population with members of each of the countries keen to put Britain in its place. Kurt Wilhelmschaft was indicative of the ebullient mood felt by most Germans. “It’s so nice to feel pleasure due to the misery of others. If only us Germans had a word for it.”

Manchester United latest club to fall for Owen swindle

The football world is in shock after learning that Manchester United are the latest in a long line of clubs to fall for one of the oldest tricks in the book: signing Michael Owen. The Police Fraud Office have frequently warned clubs about handing over money to the 29 year-old, on account of his habit of taking the money and then lying on the floor for three years saying, “I’ve got a sore everything.” One such victim, a Mr. Ashley of Newcastle, recalls, “He said he would score so many goals that it would be an affront to God. But it turned out all we got was an affront to the concept of hard work and money being properly earned.”

The complicated confidence scam involves Owen turning up at a football club’s gift shop and getting a shirt printed with his name on the back. Wearing this, he will wander around until someone recognises him as “that bloke what scored that amazing goal against the Argies in ’98.” It is then only a matter of time before a director assumes that he is already playing for their club, and ends up handing over a new contract to the tune of £100,000 a week. Rumours abound that Owen learned this technique off his old Liverpool teammate Robbie Fowler.

Owen himself, however, is very pleased with his new set of surroundings. “It really is the pinnacle of any player’s career to be injured at Manchester United. They have had so many great players and I really am very excited about looking at their pictures on the wall whilst I’m getting treatment for chapped lips.” Asked to reassure his new fans about his long-term fitness, Owen said, “Er, yeah, sure. Why not? I’m getting a prosthetic foot after the last one dropped off. But once that’s glued on, who knows?”

BBC to reveal how much money Graham Norton “earns”

The BBC is to be compelled to reveal its finances so the public can precisely see how their money is being allocated to utter drivel. Though the corporation is to continue in its apprehension at disclosing how much it pays individual oxygen thieves such as Chris Moyles. The reason being that the figures involved would destroy the concept of a fair and just universe in which financial remuneration is congruent with either talent or originality. This in turn would hand ammunition to the BBC’s competitors, who would discover how much license fee loot is dished out to persons that would even be looked down on by a pair of Buckfast-swigging bums. One BBC insider confessed, “It is absolutely vital that we don’t let on how much we pay Marcus Brigstock. You just couldn’t look your children in the face and tell them that people are essentially good inside.”

One intriguing revelation coming from the newly released figures is that the Scott Mills show on Radio 1, requires a weekly payment of £100,000 in order to purge his studio of the stench of failed humanity and piss poor entertainment. Director General Mark Thompson defended the outlay, saying, “If we don’t clean it after Mills has been in, the place is just an utter write-off. Everywhere he goes, he leaves behind this trail of rancid chat and soulless rubbish. But we think he’s worth it. I mean who else could do those wacky prank phone calls, that crass innuendo and er, those hilarious wacky phone calls? Your average child? Oh, I see your point.”

The BBC also plans to cut down on the swearing in its programs before the watershed, although it does now encourage its viewers to swear at what’s on if so moved to do. The announcement has come as a relief to many viewers, some of whom feel an unbearable urge to shout “This is utter sheep’s balls!” whenever Working Lunch comes on. Others, such as Harriet Frimsdale have expressed delight at being allowed to repeatedly yell “goose turd” at the screen whenever Bill Oddie appears, “Now that’s what I call interactivity,” she said, “never mind all this ‘press the red button now’ bollocks.”

Breaking playground news: boys refuse to play nice, or together

In a move that has shocked playgrounds around the country, the prefects of the F1 School have refused to play with the boys in the lower years, because the latter’s toys weren't good enough. The renegade boys have turned their noses up at the offer of playing racing cars, sword fights and marbles, as the younger boys had refused to either spend over forty million pounds on a jungle gym, or relinquish their right to one hand one bounce.

The group of rich toffs including Sebastian Ferrari, Oscar McLaren and Quentin Toyota, decided last week that they were fed up with the spotty Herberts getting in the way of their fun: and broke away to form their own playground. It is rumoured that their new rules will allow them to go first on the swings and ensure that no oiks are on the seesaw by the time they come out from double Maths.

Though the spokesperson for the group was unavailable given the need for his daily money-bath in preparation for a chukka of unicorn polo, the F1 bursar was willing to make a statement. He summarised the disagreement between the boys as coming down to one point of principle, “basically most teams want to flaunt their wealth like Lady Gaga flaunts her genitals. However, the breakaway teams also want the right to whip out their massive wads of cash and stuff it into people’s face going ‘Yeah, you’d like some of that, wouldn’t you, you smelly peasant?’ Y'see?"

Speaking from a golden throne carried on the shoulders of twelve lingerie-clad ‘close personal friends’ the F1 headmaster, Max Moseley, declared that he didn’t really give six shits about who did what as long as he “still got invited to all the after race parties.” He later returned to the press conference to add “...wink wink.”

Real Madrid Take The Lead In Pissing Away Money Contest

Real Madrid have surprised the rest of European soccer by pissing away nearly £140 million on two people who play football. The surprise move has helped Madrid establish a considerable lead in the annual pissing away money contest held amongst Europe’s football club elite.

However, rumours abound that Chelsea will also be pissing away an obscene amount on some blokes who can kick a ball about. As for other challengers, Manchester United cannot be ruled out of taking the kidney crown given the amount they now have to piss away themselves. Elsewhere, Liverpool will be struggling to match Madrid’s extraordinary gush whilst Arsenal will only be able to put together a modest piddle in this summer’s transfer season. Though a consistent pisser away of money, Real Madrid has found itself out-spritzed in recent times, but this year saw a positively incontinent return to form.

President Florentino Perez’ pissing away of £59 million on Brazilian Kaka and £80 million on Cristiano ‘Human Jenga’ Ronaldo was described as an almighty pissing away of money; twice shattering the amount that someone has slashed away on one single player. “It was a crazy amount,” said one onlooker, “Florentino was there for about twenty-two minutes. It was one of those where you have to prop yourself up against the wall, just to keep yourself from falling over.”

However, the sound now reverberating around Europe is that of Chelsea chairman Roman Abramovich unzipping his flies and getting set for potentially one of the biggest pissings away of money the world has ever seen.

Darling’s £15 bn efficiency drive: Cabinet to be outsourced

Faced with a growing financial disaster, that is reported to be on the same scale as Mel Gibson’s; Chancellor Alistair Darling has announced that the job of running the country will be outsourced to workers in Chennai. The move comes as a report into the efficiency of Whitehall found that most cabinet members were a complete and utter waste of space. “Although I was surprised by the results,” said Darling, packing his belongings into a cardboard box, “when you think about it, you realise what complete carbuncles most of us truly are.

“For me the most revealing insight was Tessa Jowell’s Facebook photos of a cabinet meeting that apparently disintegrated into a game of Monopoly; followed by Gordon sitting on an office chair and being spun by government officials until he sicked out of his nose... I mean she shouldn’t really have time to spend posting on Facebook!”

The report concluded that there was no real point to Hazel Blears, that Ed Milliband was in need of a good slap and a duck sitting on a beanbag could easily do the work of Jacqui Smith. “It’s probably the most brilliant idea I’ve had so far,” exclaimed Darling, setting up his new home underneath Blackfriars Bridge, “in order to save money, get rid of the biggest wasters of cash: us.”

The operation in Chennai will consist of a team of 800 workers who will formulate and implement policy at all levels of government. This has led to accusations that the new cabinet will be run by a sweatshop. However, Darling has countered the accusations saying, “It is not a sweatshop. The official name for our operation is a perspiration boutique.” Mr Darling was last seen rummaging through bins, scrapping cheese off a pizza box and mumbling “Oh yes, Papa’s hit gooey gold. Now, will you be main course or dessert?”