Flintoff to retire his liver after the Ashes

English cricket is facing a much more sober future with the news that Andrew Flintoff will be retiring his liver at the end of the current Ashes series. The all-round cricketer and all-night drinker made the decision after realising his organ could no longer keep up with the demands of Test match drinking. Flintoff made his announcement outside the Lumpy Dragon pub where the England team has been preparing their latest ding-dong with the Aussies. “It was time to listen to my body and to acknowledge the incessant shrieks of pain coming from the abdominal area. I’ve always tried to be the model professional but when you can no longer neck a bottle of sherry without blacking out, it’s time to call it a day.”

Flintoff is one of England’s great drinkers, responsible for 32,015 units taken in international drinking. He announced his arrival on the scene with an astonishing 207 not pissed at the famous Gabba ground in Brisbane. “It was a devastating display of drinking,” recalls Reg Yorker, the cricket “expert” for the Chum Bucket, “they were throwing everything at him: snakebite, rum, meths and full-length yards of ale. But he just kept on downing the lot.”

Flintoff’s decision to retire his liver leaves a big hole in England’s drinking side. Captain Andrew Strauss is willing to try and exceed his usual bottle of wine with dinner but problems remain elsewhere. Paul Collingwood is good for a couple of pints before getting a bit lairy whilst Jimmy Anderson falls over after the smallest whiff of shandy. When Flintoff was asked about how he’ll replace his liver after its retirement, he said, “I’m having an operation to put a sponge in there. That way, I can just unzip my chest and wring the booze out. Result.”

Flintoff no “drunken hobo” assures Strauss

With all the excitement of The Ashes series set for an imminent return to these shores, our cricketing correspondent, Reg Yorker, reports on an increasing sense of unease within the home team’s camp.

England captain Andrew Strauss has been unequivocal in his eagerness to scotch rumours that the Cricketing all-rounder, and all-round good egg, Freddie Flintoff, is destined for a life dancing the Macarena at night-bus stops at four in the morning. Concern had been growing over Flintoff’s future after he was spotted stuffing his personal effects into plastic bags and leering at women from a park bench in Doncaster while reeking of Special Brew. He was also reprimanded for missing the coach to Normandy for a D-Day commemorative event. Having staggered in six hours late to find Strauss addressing a group of veterans he was heard to say, “I love you soldier guys, you’re all sooo awesome. Who’s the daddy? You’re the daddy. Who’s the daddy? You’re the daddy. Who’s the daddy? I’M THE F*CKIN’ DADDY! None of you can bat for shit.” before collapsing.

This isn’t the first time that Flintoff has got into hot water over his affinity for the falling down water. In 2007 he sank Mick Jagger’s yacht after ramming it repeatedly with a pedalo, a stunt which lost him the vice-captaincy. He was also rumoured to have turned up to training sessions for the 06/07 Ashes series still “steaming boats,” the result was a 5-0 defeat and most of the batting order losing their testicles to the Australian bowling attack. One teammate reported seeing Flintoff turn up at the WACA Ground with a case of champagne, two crates of bitter and a small jar of glacé cherries, shouting “Look lads, we’re going to lose anyway, let’s just have a bit of a party. Eh?”

However, the England captain has gone out of his way to calm the concerns of those who fear Flintoff will be the target of concerted Australian sledging. There is talk that the Aussies plan to get Flintoff out by putting a cheeky Stella Artois on a good length just outside his off-stump: which might prove irresistible. But England’s training has been actively geared to eliminating this kind of threat. Strauss has revealed that England’s fast bowlers have been bombarding Flintoff with full length shooters and in-swinging pitchers of San Miguel. “It’s been going really well,” said Strauss, “although he did get caught behind off a large nick from a pitched-up double of Bells.”

Flintoff himself was keen to put worries over his dipsomania to rest, by attending a press conference once he had risen from his slumbers beneath the team bus. Steadying himself with an arm around the nearest reporter, and speaking into his shoulder, he announced, “Look… if ai can shee off twenny-foor cans of that aussie-pish Fosters in a morning, I’ll have no worries with this bunch of pansies on the pitch, so shuddup.”

“Of course,” he added, “this could jus’ be the booze talkin’.”