Delight as X-Factor decreases unemployment by one

The whole of England was united in celebration last night as the newly crowned X-Factor winner Joe Elderry revealed he would be coming off unemployment benefits. "I'm going to the Job Centre to sign off," said Elderry, desperately searching for his National Insurance Number. The news brought tears to many of the people watching. Ellen Tidwell, a viewer in Wolverhampton, said, "It's like Christmas has come early. I can just imagine him opening his first pay cheque and the way his little face will light up after he sees how much Simon Cowell has taken."

Elderry starts his new job as a Simon Cowell drone a week on Monday and is keen to make a good impression. "I'm scrubbing out the toilets, picking up Dannii Minouge's new face from the cleaners and then performing in front of ten thousand people for nine hours straight. It's going to be the toughest fiver I've ever earned."

Elderry is predicted to be a big hit amongst the public due to his regional accent, his unthreatening voice and a bigger supporting army behind than Kim Jong Il. "We're going to make Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants look like a lost girl guide group," said one industry insider. Elderry is expected to get the Christmas number one slot, a position normally reserved for the twee and mentally ill.

Halloween special: X-Factor preview

It's nearly time for Halloween, a time when the Earth is haunted by the spirits of the undead and the foul and most wretched creatures are seen throughout the land. Which is why it's time for a preview of this week's X-Factor.

It's week 4 and the nerves are beginning to show. Who will be the first to crack? Who will fall and be consigned to walk the open mike circuit in pubs across the country until they get a real job? Who will be the first to show one ounce of charisma, making them totally unsuitable for warbling the emotionally manipulative pap the eventual winner will be forced to churn out for eons? The Chum Bucket looks at the runners and riders of the show that defies description. Other than "A show that showcases braindead cretins who are judged by cash-hungry whores, which is watched by fuckwits." Good times!

Up first it's those loveable twins John and Edward Grimes have been described as talentless, unable to sing and are destroying the credibility of the show. Which is saying something for a show dogged by vote rigging, psychological torture of its contestants and featuring Dannii Minouge as a judge for good singing. But these spritely young fellows have a lot on their side. The fact that objective analysis is a stranger to the voting public. Robert Lister, a truck driver from Norwich said, "I just do whatever annoys Simon Cowell, that'll show the big fat money maker, making money from all the calls I'm making and giving him money."

Next is the guy with the big hair, Frank or Worrell or something. Judge Cheryl Cole speaks very highly of him or him or whoever it is. "Dennis or Shane or something has got that special something. It's niceness or pleasantness or inoffensiveness or possibly something that I just can't put my finger on. If Nigel or Sarah or Lizzie can win over the hearts of the people, he's got every chance of winning. Or losing. I just don't know. Don't ask me, I'm too pretty to talk."

Then there is some other guy or a girl or a horse or a cabinet full of jelly or some 17-year old from stage school who'll cry or some stuff like that. For f**ks sake, whatever happened to this country? We used to produce rock stars like Mick Jagger, Keith Moon and David Bowie, people who took music and infused it with soul, purpose and passion. Now? Now we're just left with a bunch of prissy, no-talent, karoake-singing bums who just stand there, showing no kind of - [Ed - and we'll leave it there. The Chum Bucket blogger will be taking a period of extended leave. Happy Halloween everyone!]

Robbie Williams' next album to be the last fuelled by hatred of Gary Barlow

Robbie Williams is back. After three years of cultivating facial hair that only a leper colony could love and time spent chasing the UFOs that only seem to appear to mad people, the fat dancer from Take That makes his return. His new album is released next month and is rumoured to be based around world events and ruminations on pretty girls rather than why Gary Barlow is no-talent jarhead who is really jealous of Robbie because he got to do it with which ever one of the Appleton sisters from All Saints was available.

The feud between the two reached epic heights when Barlow hit back at Robbie in a song called Everyone Knows That It's Guy Chambers Who Does All The Work. In response to this, Williams decided that enough was enough and he deserved to have his say through song. Now writing without Chambers, Williams came up with the reggae smash Mr Smelly, which featured the lyrics "Mr Smelly, that's Gary Barlow/He's so fat, he flies in cargo". The single failed to chart and was panned across by most five year olds who make up the majority of Williams's fans.

Williams now insists that he is a changed man. "I've matured as a person, I've really grown up and I'm no longer addicted to painkillers, cocaine, heroin, iron railings, shoe polish, remote controls and chicken jalfrezi. I no longer touch bike pumps, orange squash, pencil sharpeners and Now That's What I Call Music 48. I know that I'll always be an addict but if I can just stay off acid, Vicodin, the poetry of Erza Pound, mops plus all that stuff I mentioned earlier, I know I'll stay happy. Although I could really do with some crack."