Delight as X-Factor decreases unemployment by one

The whole of England was united in celebration last night as the newly crowned X-Factor winner Joe Elderry revealed he would be coming off unemployment benefits. "I'm going to the Job Centre to sign off," said Elderry, desperately searching for his National Insurance Number. The news brought tears to many of the people watching. Ellen Tidwell, a viewer in Wolverhampton, said, "It's like Christmas has come early. I can just imagine him opening his first pay cheque and the way his little face will light up after he sees how much Simon Cowell has taken."

Elderry starts his new job as a Simon Cowell drone a week on Monday and is keen to make a good impression. "I'm scrubbing out the toilets, picking up Dannii Minouge's new face from the cleaners and then performing in front of ten thousand people for nine hours straight. It's going to be the toughest fiver I've ever earned."

Elderry is predicted to be a big hit amongst the public due to his regional accent, his unthreatening voice and a bigger supporting army behind than Kim Jong Il. "We're going to make Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants look like a lost girl guide group," said one industry insider. Elderry is expected to get the Christmas number one slot, a position normally reserved for the twee and mentally ill.