Tiger Woods' midlife crisis as boring as expected

The current scandal surrounding golfer Tiger Woods is exactly as dull as expected, claim experts. Woods has been involved in a minor car outside his house and is currently denying having affairs with two women who are both just averagely good looking. Relationship expert Ruth Varnish gave her opinion on the tedious shenanigans. "When most men hit their mid-thirties, they go a phase of worrying that they have lost their youth. They do things like buy fast cars, date younger women and do stuff like bungee jumping. What we're seeing from Woods is basically a really boring version of this."

Woods has always maintained a steady lifestyle. His idea of danger is not washing an apple before he eats it. And his moderate manner of messing up is entirely in keeping with his public image, something that his fans appreciate. Eric Newby, a golfing fan from Salt Lake City, said, "I went through a similar phase myself when I hit thirty-six. I just felt that I had lost my vigour and so I went on an eight day meths bender, during which time I destroyed two acres worth of corn and danced naked at an ice hockey game, inviting the players to shove the puck where the sun don't shine.

"I also put two bishops in hospital and ended up becoming a chief of a lost Amazonian tribe. So to see Tiger just crash his car and get off with two women who are both about a seven, it makes you feel good about the world."

Wetherspoons to create monopoly on drunks

Wetherspoons has announced plans to create 10,000 new jobs in 250 new pubs, leading to fears that it will become the Tescos for bums. The company has stressed that it is not looking for competition but local pubs fear that the new pubs will be cutting in on their share of sad old men who start drinking at noon.

Proprietor of the Cat and Bunyon pub in Bromley Ed Berry said, "I've known some of these pissheads for years. There's Brian who is on a gin drip, old Mikey who likes to discuss the issues of the day with the dartboard and Wally who keeps on telling everyone that Destiny's Child stole his act.

"If they start drinking elsewhere in dimly lit shacks with cut-price drinks, I don't know what I'll do. The pub trade is bad enough as it is. You've got the recession, the smoking ban plus the fact that fewer people want to drink in a dingy bar with some bloke shouting at a dartboard."

However, the head of the Wetherspoons chain, Cecil Frimby tried to calm the fears of local publicans. "Wetherspoons started off very small. I saw a man drinking alone in a shed. And I thought to myself, 'Why don't we take that and make it bigger?' This is why all Wetherspoons are basically warehouses with booze. There's no music, no atmosphere, no football. But you do just pay two pound fifty for a Red Bull and vodka. That's why our motto is 'If you're having a good time, you've probably come to the wrong place.'"

Teachers urged to cater for drunk pupils

Teachers must adapt to the increasing numbers of drunkards in their classes, a new report claims. A new study has found that Britain is the European capital of underage drinking with up to 33% of under-15s describing themselves as "mashed from head to toe." Edward Keesley was one such inebriate. "I'm what you might call a social drinker," said Keesley, "If I'm in double maths and someone offers me a pint, I'll have it. Then if it's break time and there's a bottle of sherry going around the playground, I'll take a swig. And if not much is happening in Latin, I'll happily sink a box of wine, why not?"

However, teachers are up in arms about the new methods they must employ to keep their pupils' attention. Chemistry teacher Ellie Swanson told of her travails. "The only way in which I can keep them focused is by dressing up as a barman and pretending to listen to their problems. They're propped up on the laboratory benches, moaning about how the world's a lousy, stinking messed-up place. I have to then try and impart kinetic theory under the guise of worldly advice. Stuff like 'Sure pal, you've got problems but acid plus carbonate gives salt plus water plus carbon dioxide. That's all I'm saying.' I've got six classes through GCSE Chemistry that way."

The make-up of GCSEs will also be changed in light of the growing trend of drinking more than Russian sailors on leave in Dublin. Examiners are being urged to accept slurred writing and question papers folded up into paper aeroplanes. Chief examiner Reggie Blissett said, "We're not dumbing down our examinations. If you black out during the exam, the highest you can get is a B."

Shock as England finally win at game that they invented

It is the victory that has turned the sporting world on its head. Usually England is famous for capitulating in sporting contests the first time they have taught the other country the rules. But their Ashes victory has provided a reverse in the well-established trend. In recent years, the country has been beaten by the Netherlands in cricket, pounded by South Africa at rugby and denied a place in football’s Euro 2008 by Croatia, a country that only came into existence in 1991, making it a younger country than Disneyland.

Reg Yorker, the cricket “expert” for the Chum Bucket, gave his views on why the side were able to reverse their cricketing fortunes. “For me, it was all about the pitch. It was a monster of a wicket. It turned, it spat and it vomited into the corner. No side wants to be playing on that.” Asked if England could retain the Ashes when they travel to Australia in eighteen months time, Yorker was confident. “Absolutely, I am certain we can win. Although I did say that in 2005 and we were stuffed 5-0.”

Meanwhile, the England team have been warned that the country is still in a recession and that their celebrations should not be too ostentatious. In 2005, the team were driven round in golden chariots whilst angels showered them with rubies and emeralds. But the side’s captain Andrew Strauss is now planning a party more in keeping with the economic downturn. “We’ve booked out a park bench in Leytonstone,” said Strauss, “Matt Prior’s going to bring along a couple of boxes of wine whilst Cook is trying to see if he can find any cocktail sausages that have been reduced to clear. Top times!”

Flintoff to retire his liver after the Ashes

English cricket is facing a much more sober future with the news that Andrew Flintoff will be retiring his liver at the end of the current Ashes series. The all-round cricketer and all-night drinker made the decision after realising his organ could no longer keep up with the demands of Test match drinking. Flintoff made his announcement outside the Lumpy Dragon pub where the England team has been preparing their latest ding-dong with the Aussies. “It was time to listen to my body and to acknowledge the incessant shrieks of pain coming from the abdominal area. I’ve always tried to be the model professional but when you can no longer neck a bottle of sherry without blacking out, it’s time to call it a day.”

Flintoff is one of England’s great drinkers, responsible for 32,015 units taken in international drinking. He announced his arrival on the scene with an astonishing 207 not pissed at the famous Gabba ground in Brisbane. “It was a devastating display of drinking,” recalls Reg Yorker, the cricket “expert” for the Chum Bucket, “they were throwing everything at him: snakebite, rum, meths and full-length yards of ale. But he just kept on downing the lot.”

Flintoff’s decision to retire his liver leaves a big hole in England’s drinking side. Captain Andrew Strauss is willing to try and exceed his usual bottle of wine with dinner but problems remain elsewhere. Paul Collingwood is good for a couple of pints before getting a bit lairy whilst Jimmy Anderson falls over after the smallest whiff of shandy. When Flintoff was asked about how he’ll replace his liver after its retirement, he said, “I’m having an operation to put a sponge in there. That way, I can just unzip my chest and wring the booze out. Result.”