Economists face their longest ever stretch of being wrong

The country is still in recession with with no-one sure about where the next pound will show up. And now, newly released figures showing that Britain is facing a long stretch of having no economists who know what they are f**king talking about. The period of having to suffer thick-brained experts who have the temerity to call themselves doctors could be the longest in the country's history.

Rob Logan, a civil servant working under Chancellor Alistair Darling, despaired at the lack of any kind of economic expert in the country. "I had one in the other day from Manchester University. He promised the recession would soon be over. I asked him how he knew. He said the elf choir that live in the custard tree had promised it. I asked him to show me the proof but he had forgotten which plastic bag his papers were in. Incredible. I had to pay five grand for that."

Economists are quick to defend their theories and are keen to stress that the recession will be over soon. Professor Edward Quinlack of the Ersatz Institute of Academia has given his approval to economic growth. "If my theories are correct, we should see unparalled growth in every sector that it is left in the year. This is because the moon is crying and the half-pig man will shortly be married to the elventh son of the blossom king. And if that doesn't produce economic growth, I don't know what will. Now I'd like twenty grand please."

Shock as England finally win at game that they invented

It is the victory that has turned the sporting world on its head. Usually England is famous for capitulating in sporting contests the first time they have taught the other country the rules. But their Ashes victory has provided a reverse in the well-established trend. In recent years, the country has been beaten by the Netherlands in cricket, pounded by South Africa at rugby and denied a place in football’s Euro 2008 by Croatia, a country that only came into existence in 1991, making it a younger country than Disneyland.

Reg Yorker, the cricket “expert” for the Chum Bucket, gave his views on why the side were able to reverse their cricketing fortunes. “For me, it was all about the pitch. It was a monster of a wicket. It turned, it spat and it vomited into the corner. No side wants to be playing on that.” Asked if England could retain the Ashes when they travel to Australia in eighteen months time, Yorker was confident. “Absolutely, I am certain we can win. Although I did say that in 2005 and we were stuffed 5-0.”

Meanwhile, the England team have been warned that the country is still in a recession and that their celebrations should not be too ostentatious. In 2005, the team were driven round in golden chariots whilst angels showered them with rubies and emeralds. But the side’s captain Andrew Strauss is now planning a party more in keeping with the economic downturn. “We’ve booked out a park bench in Leytonstone,” said Strauss, “Matt Prior’s going to bring along a couple of boxes of wine whilst Cook is trying to see if he can find any cocktail sausages that have been reduced to clear. Top times!”