Nurses to be patronised to degree level

A radical new shake up of Britain’s nursing system means that any doctor wishing to patronise a nurse with either “Sweetheart”, “Honeycheeks” or “Saucy thighs” will have to add the suffix “BA (Hons)” at the end. The new regulations also mean that nurses can no longer be chased around hospital wards to the sounds of the Benny Hill theme tune.

Chief of nursing Deborah Barnhart praised the new levels of professionalism. “I’m delighted about the advances that are being made. I gather that in the new Carry on film, Carry On Administering Care Whilst Appreciating the Financial Constraints Under Which the NHS is Operating, the Kenneth Williams stand-in will exclaim such things as ‘Oh Matron, I say, that's a bit of a big one. By one I mean the funding for your MPhil.’”

The heightened stringency of the new regulations has filtered down to the wards with patients getting used to the new levels of professionalism. Nurse Beth Cartwright told her story about her experiences. “I had one chap, an elderly gentleman, who I was tending to. I turned around and felt him slap me on the bum. I turned back and he said, ‘Nice thesis darling. I thought your examination of the effect of improved food production in post-industrial Britain on infant mortality rates was smashing.’ I smiled, turned away and then withdrew his sodium drip when he wasn’t looking. He completely missed the point of my paper.”

Police raid on Jackson’s doctor’s house set to make their eBay fortunes

A dawn raid by FBI agents on the offices of Michael Jackson’s personal physician has revealed a whole load of junk that can be flogged to gullible saps, reports say. Many of the officers participating in the raid revealed that they will never have to work another day in their lives as a result of what they found. Officer Dwayne Jones held up a photo album containing some of Jackson’s most treasured pictures. “This obviously meant a lot to Michael,” said Jones, “so it’s goodbye to paperwork and hello to mucho, mucho bitches!” Operation Tat Grab was carried out in Conrad Murray’s Houston clinic as part of the ongoing investigation into how Jackson managed to live to the age of fifty.

Murray was responsible for Jackson’s physical well-being although the singer’s death has cast some slight doubts on Murray’s ability to carry out his job to any kind of decent standard. One of Murray’s colleagues defended the doctor saying, “Sudden death is a very hard thing to treat. I’ve lost count of the number of my patients who have succumbed to sudden death after being treated be me. It’s just utterly incomprehensible.”

The investigation was triggered by Jackson’s autopsy report which revealed traces of human tissue in amongst the metal, plastic, selotape and multiple motherboards that kept Jackson in working order. Chief investigator Larry Dunder remarked, “We were going to contact Microsoft and ask them what might have gone wrong with the operating system. Now there are other possibilities we need to follow up.” Asked if he would be dropping the technical lead, Dunder was hesitant. “We can’t rule it out as we now know that Jackson was using Windows Vista to run his body. So anything could have gone wrong at any time.”

News of the World shamefaced as phone tapping still results in crap stories

The News of the World is coming under increasing pressure to explain its continued output of bunkum, despite having access to prominent people’s phone calls. Though the newspaper had tapped into the phones of John Prescott, Elle MacPherson, Gordon Taylor and other public figures, they were only been able to come up with such “exclusives” as “Prescott: My Pie Hell” and “Boobs are nice”. Journalist Mike Hack offered an apology to the newspaper’s readers, insisting that they had deserved more given the illegal underhand tactics used. “You would’ve expected us to come up with some really juicy stuff given that we’ve been invading privacy like British tourists invade the Costa del Sol. But we’ve failed. We’re a disgrace to lowlife journoscum.”

The scheme perpetrated by the newspaper could potentially involve hundreds of ministers, celebrities and other officials. One such person being Boris Johnson who posed numerous problems for those listening in on his phone calls. An anonymous reporter described his difficulties at trying to understand what the hell the Mayor of London was saying. “It took him about an hour just to complete a sentence. It was full of ‘Y’know’s’ and ‘Ah, looks like I’ve got myself into a bit of a tither here.’

“I ended up shouting ‘Just try and go two seconds without saying Gosh!’ down the line. He overheard me and was a bit shocked at what I was up to. Thankfully I had my wits about me and reassured him it was just a crossed line, and he carried on oblivious about owing somebody called Asclepius a bit of cock action. But this turned out to be not quite as juicy as we had initially hoped.”

Another public figure outraged at the scandal is Lewis Hamilton, who is furious that his phone calls are not being tapped in any way whatsoever. “Look, I’m a celebrity, the Formula One world champion and have got the second fittest bird in the Pussycat Dolls for a girlfriend,” moaned Hamilton, “Why don’t people want to listen to what I’ve got to say?” Asked to explain their omission, the News of the World replied, “’Cos Hamilton is just such a boring wankstain. Fact.”

Report recommends cutting police brutality through “demonstration curtailment”

A report into the policing of the G20 protests has recommended that no future protests should be arranged for fear of encouraging police to get stuck in. Head of the commission, Douglas Runesmith, insisted that the decision was being made to ensure public safety, saying that it was impossible to contain the feral brutes that make up the Metropolitan Police. “These guys are monsters. If they even see just a hint of placard, they go off their nut. We had a surprise birthday party for one of them last week. In he comes, sees the banner we’ve put up and bosh, he takes out three people before putting his own granny in a coma.”

The report looked at several aspects of police tactics used at the protests. The most notorious of these was ‘kettling,’ a tactic in which protestors are given a kettle of boiling hot water and asked to pour it over themselves. Runesmith insisted that this method of policing would not be used in future. However, he was coy about the potential continued use of repeated beatings for people lying defenceless on the floor, and those members of the public who pose a threat to national security by asking questions like, “Excuse me Officer, are you sure you’re allowed to do this?” Speaking with a glint in his eye, Runesmith said, “Well? Never say never...”

Asked if his recommendation was simply a way of ensuring that protests do not go ahead, unless of course they’re being carried out by Tamils in Parliament Square so politicians are inclined not to curtail police powers, Runesmith replied, “And what are you going to do about it if it is, Sunshine? Have yourself a little protest? I’ve got a can of Mace here that says you won’t.”