Brown defends controversial choice of chair for Iraq Inquiry

Gordon Brown has unleashed an almighty shit-storm given his appointment of the chairman of the independent inquiry into the Iraq War: one hit wonder Chesney Hawkes. Introducing the has-been singer in front of the Rat and Gruyère pub in Bromley-by-Bow, where the inquiry is due to take place, Brown assured his detractors that “They’ve got a great conference room, you get two Thai food suppers for eight bob and they’ve one of the best fruit machines I’ve ever seen.” Hawkes was elated at the chance to take a role befitting his national prestige, “It’s not my usual thing. You know, I’m still pumping out hits, alongside running the petting zoo of course. I can claim the feed bill on expenses, right?”

The enquiry’s purpose is establishing what, if anything, went right during the build up and occupation of Iraq. And the mole-faced songster has been instructed to leave no major stone unturned in his search for the truth. “They’re going to be looking at ties, cufflinks,” explained Brown, “were they matching? Did they at least go well with the suit jacket? But they certainly won’t be stopping at clothes, oh no. Another point worth investigating is: did people have a tasty lunch whilst completely bungling intelligence and lying to the public? People want answers to these questions. I know I do!”

For reasons of national security the enquiry is to be conducted behind closed doors, “It is paramount that potential enemies of this country are kept in the dark over our ignorance.” said Brown, “Just think, if people found out that the same jizbot who f**ked up so royally in the build-up to the invasion was still at his post, terrorists would ...ooh." Even the results of the inquiry are expected to be kept absolutely top secret, Hawkes confirmed, “unless of course they prove embarrassing to Tony Blair, in which case they’ll be left on a train.”

Iranian Voters Torn Between Nutjobs

Voting has begun all over Iran with mounting speculation over which fundamentalist will win the right to deny the existence of Israel. Present incumbent Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is the strong favourite but faces a testing challenge from Mir-Hossein Mousavi over who gets to waffle on about Western imperialism and the Great Satan.

Ahmadinejad is a figure of some controversy given his energy policy, which aims to move from nuclear power stations to those powered by burning infidels and enemies of Allah. In contrast, former Prime Minister Mousavi is seen as a more moderate figure which has been made use of by Ahmadinejad who has played on voters’ fears over the consequences of a liberal agenda. The election slogan of “To keep your neighbours Israeli, vote Mousavi” has drawn the ire of many. Some quarters believe his views are too lenient towards non-gentiles while others have criticised them for not being sufficiently anti-Semitic.

Mousavi has hit back with a campaign of his own, based around the threat of foreign invasion. “To get bombed like Baghdad, vote Ahmadinejad” has proved popular with some and has been repeatedly stoned by others. Other policies put forward by Mousavi are indicative of his progressive agenda. “We have to move forward and look at ways of using 21st century technology to keep women at home and away from centres of learning.”

However, the weighty significance of the poll has been brightened up by the presence of several eccentrics standing for office. Among them is Zadir Deghgan a candidate for the George W Bush Appreciation Party. “It’s all a bit of a laugh really,” said Deghgan, speaking from a heavily fortified bunker. “We’ve got policies like National Custard Day, the mandatory wearing of a banana in both ears and an end to the stoning of gays. It’s just a bit of a giggle.” Other parties taking a less than serious approach include the Silly Secularists and the Popular Zionist Front.

Brown’s Reshuffled Cabinet To Consist Solely Of Naïve Optimists

With election results predicted to push Labour behind the Let’s Wear Spaghetti On Our Heads party, Gordon Brown has sought to secure his own political future by appointing a cabal of deluded bumpkins to the Cabinet. Insiders have revealed that Brown had become fed up with being referred to as the “ex-Prime Minister” in meetings; and how the Cabinet would always be one chair short, meaning that he had to sit on the floor. Details from a leaked document have shown the barely concealed animosity that Brown has had to deal with. The document is a card signed by all the members of the Cabinet that reads “Well done on completely destroying all that we hoped to achieve.”

James Hoyte, a former aide, recounts one particular incident. “Jacqui Smith stood up and said she wanted to read a poem. It went, ‘Roses are red, violets are blue, faeces are brown, so Brown smells like poo.’ The rest of the meeting was a little tense.”

In response, Brown has promoted several new members to his team, hoping that their happy-go-lucky dispositions would make them immune to the wreck that the country has become. That their buoyancy might mean that they are less keen to stab the PM in the back at the first opportunity: is considered an added bonus. The new Home Secretary will be Polly Sunshine, a former primary school teacher and florist. “I’m super keen to take on this jolly job,” she said. Asked about the problems of knife crime, she replied, “Why carry a knife when you can just carry a smile? Let’s all have a singsong.”

The new Transport Secretary will be Mike Dazzle, whose background is in children’s television and the new Defence Secretary, Zoë Honeydrizzle, when quizzed on her policy about dealing with Afghan insurgents replied, “Cuddles and sponge cake.”

Speaker To Accept Scapegoat Role

Members of Parliament have expressed their overwhelming relief over the news that Speaker Michael Martin is to step down. Martin will relinquish his post in order to cover up for a collective failure of government. Representatives from all parties have insisted that it would make “a really good diversion from the utter shambles that has passed for a democratic system over the past decade.” Martin was considering how to exactly go about making the empty gesture but sources close to the Speaker have said, “It will be a token act to end all token acts.”

The Speaker has come under increasing pressure to carry the can for parliamentarians’ rampant greed ever since it became public knowledge, leading to angry questions from their constituents. Conservative MP George Osborne said, “It’s about time someone made a futile gesture such as this. I’ve had all these people coming up to me and asking why I’ve been wasting their money. I’ve tried to explain to them that they should go home to their pleby house and do pleb things. But this has not gone down that well. Hopefully, this completely ineffectual act will provide some relief.”

Titanic Captain unveils new 'anti-sinking' measures.

Captain of the Titanic, Alistair Darling, has put forward a comprehensive plan in order to stave of what he has called “our relative downsizing in the middle of an aquatic environment.” Speaking at a seven degree incline, Captain Darling announced the ways in which he plans to stop water lapping around his feet and mackerel from getting in the drinks mixers. “This is a ship that faces a positive future. I predict that although the hull will sink another metre in the coming hour, I am certain that it will come back up again by three and a half metres in the hour after that. Hulls have a habit of doing that you know”

Captain Darling has rebutted criticism of his handling of the ship, saying, “No-one could have foreseen a giant iceberg in the middle of the ocean. Even though we were told there were icebergs ahead of us and several people pointed it out to me, it is very difficult to pick up a large white object against a night sky, which may or may not be completely black.”

Further proposals to stop the sinking of the ship include making sure all the curtains are shut, extra waltzes and asking the orchestra to play an octave higher.