Copenhagen summit chooses spiders to rule after humanity's collapse

It's the agreement that no-one thought would happen. The world's leaders have gathered together in Copenhagen and come up with a binding agreement. It has nothing to do with climate change but they have concluded that it will be spiders who are the Earth's dominant creature after humanity throws itself into the abyss. Gordon Brown announced the choice in a small cupboard whilst people's attention was focused elsewhere. "Although we won't be able to save ourselves, we have put a lot of work into making sure that the spider will reign supreme. All hail the spider, the new devastator of Planet Earth!"

The summit had started off on a good note with inconsequential matters quickly brushed aside. Helen Taylor, working as an aide, reported how the issue of global warming was quickly dealt with. "Everyone just decided that humanity is doomed to failure due to its inability to form an equilibrium with its natural surroundings. We're just a virus with a nose. Which it uses to give itself the impression that its shit doesn't stink."

However, for the animals that didn't get the nod for global domination, the summit was something of a failure. Heading up the bear lobby was Michael, a great bear from Canada. "We put together a great package about our ability to be top of the food chain whilst still remaining cuddly. But then they brought up the issue of Yoggie Bear's continued thieving of picnics plus Winnie the Pooh's addiction to honey and the whole thing collapsed. Plus the spiders did give great giftbags."

Celebrities in mad rush to be photographed with disappearing Arctic ice

It is the crisis that everyone feared but never thought would come crashing down like a twat's fist in Leona Lewis's face. Now the worse fears of a generation have been realised. How will Madonna find time for a photoshoot with the Arctic's vanishing ice caps whilst continuing to pump out disco anthems for gay men in their forties? It seems like the frozen wasteland has refused to reschedule its imminent destruction, which has put the perfectly set nose of many today's celebrity ecowarriors out of joint.

Sting is said to be particularly irate at what is going on. "We've got to do something before it's too late. I am willing to make a sacrifice never previously seen before in the history of mankind. Forget Oscar Schindler, forget Jesus and forget Mother Theresa. If the ice caps start growing again, I'll delay recording my next album featuring Albanian orphans on spoons and which ever ethnic music is fashionable at the moment."

The inhabitants of the Arctic have also become anxious over their future. One polar bear named Vince Cornfoy confirmed his worries about his imminent demise. "This is my livelihood. I've got a shoot with Vogue to get done plus there's the 2010 cutsie wutsie calendar to get finished off.

"There's the next series of Blue Planet to fit in plus I'm told that Woody Allen wants to set his next movie here. Apparently I'm up for a neurotic misanthrope who constantly has sex with younger female polar bears. If these ice caps go, where am I going to go? The only place that's whiter than the Arctic is Kensington. And that's not cheap." Mr. Cornfoy did confirm that he remains available for acting work, corporate events and collaborations with Damon Albarn.