The defence secretary, Bob Ainsworth, has made a plea for fewer insurgents attacking British soldiers in the wake of rising casualties in the war-torn country. It is being reported that the British army is unable to cope with the sheer number of blood-thirsty rebels trying to blow the crap out of them. “It’s almost like they don’t want us to be in their country,” said Ainsworth. The MOD has launched an initiative to encourage would-be attackers to do other things with their time. The “Don’t Hurt Our Boys, Hurt Our Toys” scheme is being rolled out across the country and encourages angry militants to blow up teddy bears and Scalextrix tracks instead of members of the armed forces. Uptake of the scheme is said to be “slow”.The news comes as soldiers complain about the substandard equipment that they are having to use in the face of increasing budget cuts. One soldier revealed that their body armour consisted of nothing but baking trays and pillows stuffed down their shirt. “It might work for the A-Team,” said the anonymous source, “but against guys with rocket launchers and grenades, you tend to come off second best. And that’s generally not what you want to be doing.”
Ainsworth has insisted that progress is being made in Afghanistan. He pointed to Sangin, a town that was in disarray but now has a thriving market. “I’m told you can get all kinds of nicknacks and goodies there,” said Ainsworth, “you can get fruit, cheese, bullets, anti-aircraft missiles, all the components needed for explosive devices, ah. That’s probably why they’re so successful.”
