Travel chaos reeks havoc with Britain's doggers

The large amounts of snow and ice on Britain's roads have made life hell for the British public. The dangerous weather conditions have made life precarious for those looking to get to relatives, those delivering presents and those spazzing off to people banging each other in cars. Britian's doggers are facing numerous problems over the festive period such as traffic jams, black ice and frostbite of the knackers.

Experienced dogger Mike Turner recalls one such incident. "We were watching a couple going at it in a layby near the turn-off for the M6. This was classic dogging. It was bloody cold but everyone was getting into it. I was on the bonnet looking in when I realised that my ballbag had got frozen onto the windscreen. I had to tap on the window and ask if the couple had any de-icer. They didn't. In the end, I had to chip it off with a credit card."

Mr. Turner's ill-fortune is symptomatic of the luck befalling those who get off from watching gang bangs in trucks. Police constable Trevor Gibbs reports on the trouble doggers have got themselves into. "We had a man who was simply trying to get some sleep in a car park after a long journey. Suddenly he is confronted by the sight of tens of people dropping their trousers and rubbing themselves up agaisnt the car. When he explained his situation, I'm told that there were tears. Angry, angry tears."

Children's fury as magic snowman refuses to fly

Children of a Wiltshire village have lambasted a snowman brought to life through the magic of Christmas for refusing to take them a wondrous flight through the skies. The gentleman in question has defended his actions on the grounds that he hasn't had the proper training. Mr. Tumbles, a resident of the village green in Lacock, was fashioned by the youngsters and was then imparted with life due it being Christmas and that sort of thing generally happening.

However, the delight of having a new found friend made out of snow has quickly turned sour for his creators. Kevin McDonald, one of the team behind Mr. Tumbles, spoke of his disappointment. "He just sits around smoking and kicking snow in our faces. If we ask him to do anything like tell us stories or do magic, he tells us to go and chew a tree. My mate Simon asked him to show us the magic of Christmas. Mr. Tumbles just showed us the middle finger."

Mr. Tumbles has defended his behaviour on the grounds that he is only doing what he is employed to do. "Listen, this is tough work. In two weeks time I'm melting and that's if I'm lucky. I could be pissed on by a dog or cut in two by some alcopop-addled youth 'cos he didn't all the PS3 games he wanted. Plus, I'm hardly a top-notch snowman. I've got a tiny head and where's the cock and balls? All the other snowmen are taking this piss." Other magic snowmen in the area did confirm that Mr. Tumbles was indeed a cockless bastard.

Fury as BA strike condemns millions to spend Christmas in UK

The decision of British Airways staff to strike over Christmas will leave millions in front of crap television and dull weather, customers claim. The airline is facing a deluge of complaints as irate customers face missing out on holidays in Mauritius, Paris and New York, leaving them stuck in Carlisle, Doncaster and even some parts of Wales.

BA customer Richard Marland had two weeks planned in Madrid but will now be spending Christmas in a suburb of York. "I had it all figured," said Marland, "I was going to party non-stop. Women, drugs and booze going in any orifice I could find. All I'm left with now is hoping that the boiler won't break down. And that my parents forget where I live."

Some of British Airways' customers are hoping that there will be a breakthrough in talks between the union and the airline. Carol Bingham, a mother of four hoping to get away from burnt turkey and a deluge of films they've already seen on DVD said, "They've just get to reach an agreement. I've worked all year to fund this trip to America as it is the one place I know I won't hear that f**king Slade. If the two sides don't settle, I'll have to stuff my ears with their internal organs."

The possibility of remaining in the United Kingdom is taking its toll on those waiting at airports around the country. One man was seen at Heathrow rocking backwards and forwards, simply repeating, "French and Saunders, I just know they'll show French and Saunders."

Delight as X-Factor decreases unemployment by one

The whole of England was united in celebration last night as the newly crowned X-Factor winner Joe Elderry revealed he would be coming off unemployment benefits. "I'm going to the Job Centre to sign off," said Elderry, desperately searching for his National Insurance Number. The news brought tears to many of the people watching. Ellen Tidwell, a viewer in Wolverhampton, said, "It's like Christmas has come early. I can just imagine him opening his first pay cheque and the way his little face will light up after he sees how much Simon Cowell has taken."

Elderry starts his new job as a Simon Cowell drone a week on Monday and is keen to make a good impression. "I'm scrubbing out the toilets, picking up Dannii Minouge's new face from the cleaners and then performing in front of ten thousand people for nine hours straight. It's going to be the toughest fiver I've ever earned."

Elderry is predicted to be a big hit amongst the public due to his regional accent, his unthreatening voice and a bigger supporting army behind than Kim Jong Il. "We're going to make Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants look like a lost girl guide group," said one industry insider. Elderry is expected to get the Christmas number one slot, a position normally reserved for the twee and mentally ill.

Family urge anti-capitalist son not to be an asshole around Christmas

A family based in Bromley has put out an urgent appeal to their son begging him to not ruin Christmas by shouting excerpts of Karl Marx at anyone wielding a cracker. The Hudsons, a family of four, are concerned that their son's militant tendencies will spoil the holiday season through harranguing his relatives with anti-capitalist rhetoric.

Mr. Hudson said, "Eric is a perfectly pleasant boy but he has just spent his first term at university and has picked up ideas that he doesn't really understand. He goes on and on about free markets and plutocracies. But when you ask him who Alan Greenspan is, he says he's a member of N-Dubz. I mean, that's possibly true but I'm pretty sure he does do other stuff."

However, Eric Hudson is unrepentant at his attitude to the festive season. "Don't give me all that stuff about people coming together, presents and happiness. It's about money and corporations and greed and yeah. It's just another phoney dressed up charade to fool us into perpetuating the capitalist system that enslaves us and exploits us and yeah." When asked if knew what quantative easing meant, Hudson replied, "Yeah, it's when you film someone shoplifting from Lidl. Safe."