FA 'must up its game' say freeloading parasites

It's the handbag that might derail England's chance of getting the World Cup in 2018. A seemingly innocuous gift to the visiting members of the FIFA committee has angered one delegate so much that he has been unable to hold onto all his freebies. "It is an insult to my honour and my dignity," said Warner, stuffing his pockets with vol au vents, "I could not look at myself in the new mirror I was given by Japan."

Warner's wife is sad to be distraught at losing the handbag but the FIFA official stands by his principles. "To be treated like this is a sham. In Brazil, they sacrificed a goat in my honour and named a sewage treatment plant after me. In England, they gave a fricking purse. Do they know who I am? I'm the guy that does stuff."

Another FIFA delegate agreed with Warner's stance, insisting that while England had the infrastructure, the stadiums and the capabilities to host a World Cup, they still had a long way to go in greasing up the jobsworths that make up the voting committee. "We're used to the finer things in life, I want to see cheeks on my bottom."

Warner gave a hint of the standards that the FA had to meet. "I want a pony, a tricycle, two houses made out of diamond and my own island that is dedicated to street theatre. Also, I want a parade each day where people say how lovely I am and everyone to be covered in glitter and there to be fireworks at the end that spell out 'Jack Warner is special and we all love him'. And I want another pony."

Asked if that would finally persuade him to vote for England, Warner replied, "No. Australia said they would give a ride in a fire engine."

Speaker To Accept Scapegoat Role

Members of Parliament have expressed their overwhelming relief over the news that Speaker Michael Martin is to step down. Martin will relinquish his post in order to cover up for a collective failure of government. Representatives from all parties have insisted that it would make “a really good diversion from the utter shambles that has passed for a democratic system over the past decade.” Martin was considering how to exactly go about making the empty gesture but sources close to the Speaker have said, “It will be a token act to end all token acts.”

The Speaker has come under increasing pressure to carry the can for parliamentarians’ rampant greed ever since it became public knowledge, leading to angry questions from their constituents. Conservative MP George Osborne said, “It’s about time someone made a futile gesture such as this. I’ve had all these people coming up to me and asking why I’ve been wasting their money. I’ve tried to explain to them that they should go home to their pleby house and do pleb things. But this has not gone down that well. Hopefully, this completely ineffectual act will provide some relief.”

Brown: “We Are Sorry For Getting Caught”

Prime Minister Gordon Brown apologised on behalf of all politicians today, for the row over expenses; claiming that it was never their intention for anyone to find out. The apology has been triggered by the revelation of MPs claims in several newspapers, detailing the level of gorging that has been going on for years. “It was an honest mistake,” said Brown, “a mistake that was made hundreds and hundreds of times, over and over again, with no intention of trying to correct the procedure that meant this mistake couldn’t be stopped from happening again.”

The apology follows on from the expenses claims made by members of parliament for seemingly trivial items. Cheryl Gillian, the shadow Welsh secretary claimed for dog food, a dog collar, visits to the vet in order to treat her sick dog and a kennel in to house her dog in. Cheryl Gillian does not have a dog. Speaking inside her newly renovated house, Gillian confirmed that she would be paying the money back, although this would then be claimed back in expenses.

Other politicians include Michael Gove who claimed £5,000 for “stuff and shit”. Asked what was entailed in this particular claim, Gove replied, “You know, like, stuff, stuff stuff. Stuff you need and shit. Just stuff and all that kind of stuff. Listen, I’m keeping the money. Cameron claims a fiver a day for ‘his magic fingers’, whatever the hell that means. Why can’t I get in on some of that action?” Gordon Brown went on to say that he would be regulating the expenses system so that it would be harder to find out about these sorts of details in future.

Jacqui Smith “Claimed Gimp” On Expenses

The future of the Home Secretary was looking increasingly bleak as it has emerged that she had hired a gimp, and tried to claim Mr. Must Be Punished on government expenses. The revelation comes only days after Smith's husband admitted invoicing the taxpayer for such porno flicks as Bananarama Eat Carpet and Animal Farm.

Jacqui Smith initially claimed that her slave was hired to help in the office and to make sure that constituents had a point of contact. However, Mrs. Smith has now been forced to admit that the gimp did no such kind of work and was only there to be the subject of Smith's deranged peccadilloes.

In the aftermath of the revelations, Mr. Must Be Punished has been the subject of intense media scrutiny, of which he has said, "Yes, more, please more." In an interview that could be potentially disastrous for the Home Secretary, Mr. Must Be Punished described Smith's proclivities and what he would be forced to do when complying with her wishes. "She's a very angry woman," he said, speaking whilst handcuffed to a radiator, "she would call me all kinds of insults. She said I had the nipples of a dwarf, that I was diseased beyond decency and that I was nothing but a wet fart destined for failure. However, I had to draw a line when she said I had a face like a sad Jack Straw. There're some forms of degradation even I won't take."

Sex in Commons “Cost-Saving Initiative” says Shamed MP

Nigel Griffiths, the MP at the centre of the Parliamentary sex scandal, has defended his tryst at his Commons office; claiming that it was more cost-effective than making whoopee in a hotel and therefore provided “value for taxpayers’ money.” Griffiths had previously denied the affair until he was confronted with photographic proof of his liaison with a mystery brunette. When faced with the photos, he is reported to have said "Ah."

However, Griffiths has robustly defended himself against allegations of bringing the House of Commons into disrepute. He stressed that using his office for his midnight bonkfest curtailed the need to go elsewhere, and thereby avoided the incurring of expenses that would otherwise have to be footed by the taxpayer. In a statement made from outside the Wycombe Travelodge, he said, "At a time when money and black lace stockings are tight, I made what I believe to be the right decision. Making the beast with two backs in my office has showed that I am committed to saving my constituents’ money. Even if it does get in the way of my commitment to the sanctity of marriage just a smidge. Oh, and you might want to tell the Speaker to wipe down his chair."

Outrage has also greeted the revelation that Griffiths’ love marathon happened on Remembrance Sunday. But as is clear from the photographs, at no time during the lust-filled session did the sordid MP wear his poppy. Veterans Association President, Roger Harper, said, "Millions died during two World Wars so that Mr. Griffiths could be free to get conkers deep in the House of Commons. The least he could have done when he had her bent over his desk and about to receive a good seeing to, was to have had his poppy on. Blue-tac, selotape, put behind an ear, whatever. We’re not asking much."