Pope: Turn Catholic and win a fridge!

The Catholic church has announced its largest recruiting drive in a generation with the Vatican offering members of the Anglican community wholesale conversions in Rome and the chance to win big, big prizes. The items on offer range from teatowels to all-ivory cutlery to sewing accessories.

In his statement, the pontiff Pope Benedict XVI made his message about the chance to join the papacy. Speaking on the QVC Shopping and Religious Affairs Channel, the Pope said, "Hi, I'm Joseph and I'm here to talk to you today about the wonderful benefits of Catholicism. You know, people often say to me 'Hey Jo, I want to get to heaven but I belong to a branch of Christianity that does not hold to a literal interpretation of the Bible. There's got to be an easier way!' Well help is at hand.

"Our conversions to the Catholic faith are out of this world. If you're not satisfied with the acceptance of transubstantiation and the promotion of the Tridentine mass, I'll whip a monkey. I like the product so much, I run the whole damn business!"

The invitation by the Pope has drawn criticism from the Anglican Church who are desperate not to lose any more believers from their dwindling flock. The Archbishop of Canterbury said, "Catholicism may offer many things such as moral absolutism, hotter women and the chance to win a new kitchen in the colour of your choice.

"But the Church of England can offer a great deal of things to any interested worshipper. Things such as cup of tea plus the chance to opt back in when you're faced with imminent death. Name me one other branch of Christianity that does that. Other than the Unitarians, the Baptists and the one where they worship Jesus in the form of a leopard."

However, many within the Church of England fear the pull of the papacy, especially given the Catholic church's unveiling of its new slogan: "The Catholic church: Because we know what you've done."

Pope: “Holy Land Not As Holy As The Vatican”

Pope Benedict XVI has caused an international furore during his trip to the Middle East after commenting that the Holy Land “isn’t that special and could do with a bit of tarting up.” He also went on to say that in a sanctity contest the Vatican would “dick all over the Holy Land.” Asked to explain his comments, his Holiness replied, “Well it’s obvious, innit? Over at the Vatican, you’ve got crosses, altars and stained glass windows. Here, you’ve got a stable and a mangy donkey. That’s no holy site, it’s a case for the RSPCA. And if this gaff is so holy, how come they ain’t got no frescos? Are you seriously trying to tell me that this is a holy place without no frescos? Do me a favour.”

Criticism of the Pope’s comments came quickly in the form of prominent Israeli figures quick to defend the prestige of Bethlehem and the honour of the maligned donkey. “That donkey is not mangy,” said President Shimon Peres, “he’s just been sleeping badly for the past couple of days. And another thing, he’s a hell of a lot more holy than that religious theme park he’s got in Rome. I went there once and parking was a nightmare. I had to queue for two hours to get to the toilets, they ran out of communion wafers halfway through the service and they forgot the words to the mass. You could see them just making it up as they went along. ‘Blessed be the tops on biros?’ Mental. As for the frescos? I’ve seen a lot better.”

Pope Benedict’s visit to the Middle East had been seen as an attempt at forging closer links with other faiths. In one way he has succeeded in bringing other religions together. At an inter-faith meeting attended by Jews, Muslims, the British National Party, Scientologists and Goldilocks, all were in complete agreement that the pontiff was “a spanner of the highest order.”

Pope: Water Useless Against Fires

In a statement that has drawn criticism around the world, Pope Benedict XVI has urged firemen to stop trying to put out fires with water.

The papal edict came ahead of the Pope’s visit to Africa where he is set to open eighty new franchises of Catholicism. The trip is seen as key in bolstering the church’s market share in the region. A papal spokesman said, “Africa is a really exciting place for us at the moment. You’ve got this wonderful lack of education plus a general hopelessness in people’s lives, which does make accepting Catholic teaching an attractive proposition. Promise people a front row seat at the Rapture, and you’d be amazed at what you can get them to do.”

However, the trip has been overshadowed by the Pope’s claim about the ability of water to extinguish fires, which he says has no appreciable effect and can actually make fires worse. Asked what measures firemen should take when confronted with raging infernos, the Pope replied that, “Reading a bit of scripture to the flames and billowing smoke, whilst they continue to rise up into the sky, usually does the trick.”

The Pope has also countered any allegations of pontifical inflexibility by offering a variety of solutions to combustible masses. “If you’ve got a chip pan fire, the passage from Leviticus about not eating shellfish normally works a treat. And if it’s a simple wood fire, I always find that reading Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians can be a great help in these sorts of situations.

But if you find your boiler’s blown up like an evangelist at a gay pride march, then it’s best to say ten Hail Mary’s, click your heels three times… then run like hell.” The Pope was later seen trying to converse with a snake, chasing the reptile as it attempted to wriggle away from his questions.

“Pursuit of money pointless, wealth means nothing” declares old man in gold hat, gold robes, holding solid gold staff.

In a rare display of blatant hypocrisy, the Catholic Church today gave the gay community a bit of a breather by focusing its rage on anyone with more than a fiver in their pocket.

Despite being adorned in a gilded outfit, clutching a solid gold papal artifact, and sporting a brand new pair of Nike Airs, the Pope wailed on the various capitalist markets around the world for ‘something to do with a credit crump’. He added that he ‘can’t see what all the fuss is about’, indicating that his savings have been neatly tucked under his mattress for the last ten years now, and he’s never had a problem with that.

He assured that the continuing financial turmoil will have little effect on current Christian traditions and families struggling to make ends meet will still be expected to find hard currency for the collection plate. ‘Do I look like a sodding charity?’ asked the Pope, claiming that with winter approaching, ‘this Vatican isn’t going to heat itself’.

He went on to say that “God’s word is the only veritable reality to build on”, despite press releases of his statement being dispatched with this sentence tippexed out once it became clear that extra, previously unseen pages of the bible had only recently appeared in a Greek monastery.

These new pages and revelations are expected to feature as downloadable content or DVD extras for all members of ‘the Church’. However, many followers of the popular hobby are in uproar as the new tales do provide a completely new back-story to one of the bibles longest standing characters, ‘the Jews’.

Speaking to the bishops assembled at the Vatican for his short address, the Pope was then bustled off the podium to spend the rest of the day preaching to choirs. One of his carers, affectionately known as ‘cardinals’, approached the microphone to add a closing comment; ‘Resistance is futile’.