Cadburys takeover forces Milk Tray Man to become a gigolo

The takeover of chocolate giant Cadburys by US food manufacturer Kraft will result in large job losses with many of the much loved figures associated with the company being given the boot. The news has hit the firm hard with many of the brands unable to come to terms with their fate. Early this morning, a Twirl bar was found to have hanged itself in the toilets. An accompanying note read, "Let's face it, I was always just a wannabe Flake."

The Caramel Bunny is one such new addition to the dole queue and she explained how the news was broken to her. "I was called into the head office and was told that I was being let go. It seems the new face of Cadburys Caramel will be a giant helicopter named Doug. He'll still have a seductive quality but apparently his sexual allure will be more helicopter-based."

Other noted changes of career include the Milk Tray man who will be a man hooker, paid to romance bored housewives and sexually curious farmhands. He seemed unsure about his new job although keen to get started. "On the plus side, it means I no longer have to climb through windows. But on the downside, I don't think I'll be able to make it through the day without crying."

The Americans' takeover means a new aggressive approach to advertising with old slogans given a bit more punch. One such example is the new campaign for Flake: "Only the crumbliest, flakiest chocolate, tastes like chocolate never tasted before. So buy it you faggot!"

Tiger Woods' midlife crisis as boring as expected

The current scandal surrounding golfer Tiger Woods is exactly as dull as expected, claim experts. Woods has been involved in a minor car outside his house and is currently denying having affairs with two women who are both just averagely good looking. Relationship expert Ruth Varnish gave her opinion on the tedious shenanigans. "When most men hit their mid-thirties, they go a phase of worrying that they have lost their youth. They do things like buy fast cars, date younger women and do stuff like bungee jumping. What we're seeing from Woods is basically a really boring version of this."

Woods has always maintained a steady lifestyle. His idea of danger is not washing an apple before he eats it. And his moderate manner of messing up is entirely in keeping with his public image, something that his fans appreciate. Eric Newby, a golfing fan from Salt Lake City, said, "I went through a similar phase myself when I hit thirty-six. I just felt that I had lost my vigour and so I went on an eight day meths bender, during which time I destroyed two acres worth of corn and danced naked at an ice hockey game, inviting the players to shove the puck where the sun don't shine.

"I also put two bishops in hospital and ended up becoming a chief of a lost Amazonian tribe. So to see Tiger just crash his car and get off with two women who are both about a seven, it makes you feel good about the world."

Channel 4 to cut back on talentless freaks

For years Channel 4 has been seen as a refuge for the deluded, the hopeless and the kind of people that others would not only cross the road to avoid but would consider remaining in the road in the face of oncoming traffic if it meant they didn't have to live in a world populated by these types of cretins. But in the face of the economic downturn, the station has announced that it will be letting the majority of its dimwits go. And it is the groundbreaking reality television show Big Brother that will be hardest hit. The station has said that it will only be looking to take on twelve new oxygen thieves in the coming year before refusing all future applications.

Channel 4 commissioner Eric Bleasdale spoke of the anguish he felt when delivering the news to the fuckwits. "It was a really hard thing to do," said Bleasdale, "first of all they find it very hard to concentrate for more than five seconds and were forever wandering off and chasing birds. And then when I had finally got them all sat down, I had to look them in the eye and say that we would be making extreme cutbacks. I then had to explain what extreme meant, what cutbacks meant and then repeat what extreme meant again."

The culling of the divs is emblematic of the spectre of unemployment that is haunting the country. Prime Minister Gordon Brown spoke of his disappointment at the news. "You know things are in a bad way when not even retarded page 3 wannabes are able to get work." The frustration at Big Brother's cancellation has been hard for many to take. Aspiring contestant Michael Deadwood said, "All that time I spent preparing for my audition, standing in my garden just randomly shouting at things. It's all been for nothing."

Train Robber Ronnie Biggs’ release from prison delayed due to leaves on the line

Ronnie Biggs, the infamous Train Robber, will be forced to wait for up to three hours on a platform as part of his release from jail. The move is an ironic twist to placate those who believe that he should be left behind bars. Prison chief Alan Cutlet said, “We felt that this was the best excuse to give so that we could leave him hanging. We were going to go with it being the wrong kind of snow but given that’s it August, we would just have been taking the piss.” As part of his release, Biggs will have to change at least three times and taking two bus replacement services.

The Ticketholders Union against Mismanagement and Muddled Yammering is delighted about the treatment meted out to the former criminal. TUMMY spokesman Ralf Burnside said, “TUMMY is tickled pink about this. Us train users have had enough to put up with over the years. Massive fare increases, delayed trains and pathetic excuses. The last thing you need on the 0945 to Doncaster is someone holding up the train and casing the joint. I hope he spends the rest of his life having to eat Virgin Rail sandwiches.”

Police and protesters to compromise on degree of beatings

New guidelines have been recommended for future protests so that those participating will know in advance about the leathering they are about to take from the police. The move is being undertaken in the wake of the G20 protests. The violence that erupted brought antagonism about the tactics that the police used which included kettling, excessive beatings and death being meted out. The report into the police tactics praised the police's conduct although did make the recommendation that less death should be used in future. Justice Haversham who oversaw the inquiry insisted that death should only used as a last resort.

Therefore in future, protesters and police will meet before any sort of protest to discuss the range of punishments open to those with a cause. Edward Tunton of the Stop Climate Change Coalition revealed the bartering process now in operation. “I went to the police station and said that I wanted to organise a protest, very peaceful and with no radical fringe groups present. And the policeman said 'Right, how's about a couple of kicks to the old nutsack?' I said I just wanted to protest and make my views clear but he wasn't having it. He said the lowest amount he could come down to was duffing me up with his baton. Eventually we settled on a couple of wallops to the noggin and a kick up the arse.”