Google: China too evil, even for us

The internet giant, Google, will cease its Beijing operations due to the Chinese government becoming too villainous, even for a company as hell-bent on world domination as Google. A spokesperson for the company said, "We at Google set our standards low. There is no part of your life that we would happily seek to gain control of.

"Our new plan is to try and fill the air you breath with adverts, tiny invisible commericals that you have no idea sbout until they suddenly pop into your thoughts. That's how evil we are. But hey, we're not executing the mental ill."

The Chinese have responded with indifference to Google's actions. Prime Minister Wen Jiabao, stroking a bonsai tree, said, "Goodbye Mr. Google, so sad to see you go. But you'll be back, they always come back. And don't forget, we've always got Yahoo. Moo-haa, moo-haa, moo-ha-ha-ha-ha."

The withdrawal comes as the internet comes under increasing attack by the Japanese authorities. In the early hours of this morning, Ask Jeeves was shot by firing squad for alleged spying. Ironically, for a man who has spent his life answering queries, the last act of his life was to field the question "Do you have any last requests?"

T-Mobile to reveal your darkest fears

Mobile phone users across the country are being warned that their innermost anxieties and phobias are being used by mobile phone companies to increase the number of people signing up for their text message packages. Private data released by rogue T-Mobile staff means that all of their customers’ habits, dreams and desires are in the public domain. These can be used to manipulate those who would never ever sign up to any deal that features an association with something that scares them stiff. Hundreds of customers have reported instances of coercion based around the themes of “bat fury” and “a dawn raid from clowns.”

Gemma Pilsbury was a Vodafone customer coming to the end of her contract when she received a cold call from a person representing another company. “They told me that they could offer me a better deal. I said no, I was happy with Vodafone. Then they said that all Vodafone customers were required to do some public speaking as part of their contract renewal. I just froze up as I’ve never been able to speak in public. Ever since I saw Ricky Gervais at the Diana memorial concert.

“I signed up to Orange that very instant and ever since then my life has fallen apart. I’ve lost friends, I can’t sleep at night and I can never get any bloody signal.”

Joe Larkten was another such victim. “I got a call from Virgin who said that if I signed up to a two year deal, they would be able to rescue me from the swarm of bees who would lock me in a confined space. I can’t believe they would use such manipulative tactics like that. To target someone at their weakest and most vulnerable. Although the amount of free minutes I get each month is outstanding.”