Iran cuts off all contact with Loose Women

The regime in Iran has severed all ties with Western broadcasting, insisting that the Iranian population is at risk of being corrupted by the satanic influence of Location, Location, Location. An official spokesperson for the government outlined the reasons why they are shutting themselves off from The One Show. Gholamhossein Elham, the official spokesman for Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's government condemned those whom he accused of waging a "soft war" against the regime.

"I see these programmes as having a clear intent on subverting the ideals of our government. One such example is Deal or No Deal, which espouses the idea that we can be in control of our fate. This is poisonous as we all know that our lives are controlled by the will of Allah. That, and Noel Edmonds is an utter anus."

The Iranian regime is widely known for being suspicious about outside influences. It has previously lashed out at the producers of the Hollywood film 300, accusing it of negatively portraying the Persians in a negative light. However, the producers hit back, saying that their film portrayed the medium of cinema in a bad light.

Children's fury as magic snowman refuses to fly

Children of a Wiltshire village have lambasted a snowman brought to life through the magic of Christmas for refusing to take them a wondrous flight through the skies. The gentleman in question has defended his actions on the grounds that he hasn't had the proper training. Mr. Tumbles, a resident of the village green in Lacock, was fashioned by the youngsters and was then imparted with life due it being Christmas and that sort of thing generally happening.

However, the delight of having a new found friend made out of snow has quickly turned sour for his creators. Kevin McDonald, one of the team behind Mr. Tumbles, spoke of his disappointment. "He just sits around smoking and kicking snow in our faces. If we ask him to do anything like tell us stories or do magic, he tells us to go and chew a tree. My mate Simon asked him to show us the magic of Christmas. Mr. Tumbles just showed us the middle finger."

Mr. Tumbles has defended his behaviour on the grounds that he is only doing what he is employed to do. "Listen, this is tough work. In two weeks time I'm melting and that's if I'm lucky. I could be pissed on by a dog or cut in two by some alcopop-addled youth 'cos he didn't all the PS3 games he wanted. Plus, I'm hardly a top-notch snowman. I've got a tiny head and where's the cock and balls? All the other snowmen are taking this piss." Other magic snowmen in the area did confirm that Mr. Tumbles was indeed a cockless bastard.

Media hype over Arsenal's youngsters the best yet, say experts

A narrow 2-1 victory over Liverpool's reserves completed and the verdict is in. Those who saw the game all agree to a man that the media hype surrounding Arsenal's second XI could be one of the finest that the country has ever produced. Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger has urged fans not to get too excited about the hyperbole although he himself admits that the over-exaggeration of some young people kicking a ball around a field could go on to do great things.

"We've had some great knee-jerk reactions in the past," said Wenger, "and if you're going to blow smoke up someone's arse, you need time to develop that level of overblown copy. But I have to say that this sensationalism could surpass them all. I'm talking tabloid coverage of an England World Cup campaign here."

The reasons to get excited about the level of hot air are many. Examples include The Daily Telegraph's Bob Newby who is the heartbeat of the side, spraying out glib platitudes from his position in centre midfield. Up front is the livewire forward from The Sun Eric 'The Hack' Webber. Although temperamental, Webber is capable of unleashing a barrage of effusive descriptions that may or may not have any kind of inherent meaning.

Many who were at the game will fondly remember his praise for Arsenal's Aaron Ramsey. "He's got hawk DNA!" yelled Webber, blowing away anyone who tried to comprehend what he was saying.

Media commentator on media commentary, Professor Julia Evincer of the University of Ersatz Academia said that these journalists were indeed on their way to being the biggest bunch of windbags in a generation. "We won't see their like again. Well, until next year."

We meant barbecue autumn say weathermen

Meteorologists across the country have applied for retrospective permission to forecast a barbecue autumn. The recent good weather has brought out a number of prediction-makers who are keen to revisit their forecasts. They now insist that when they said the summer would be one fit for barbecues rather than home made water parks, they actually meant autumn.

"We got it wrong by one season," said one weatherman who asked not to be named just in case the weather turned, "it probably wasn't our fault. The summer weather must have got held up some way, possibly in the Bahamas."

Weathermen across the country were accused of getting the country's hopes up by predicting a summer filled with sunshine and non-stop bliss. Instead, all that passed between June to August were continuous looks out of the window to a grey sky and continuous shouts "But they fricking promised!"

This has led to accusations that the weatherman association is in cahoots with the sunglasses and crappy dance compilations. However, the weathermen of the country have hit back. "That is totally tropical," said Michael Fish, "I mean wrong and if one more person asks me about the boxes of Oakleys in my garage, I'm going shake, shake, shake the room, I mean, start legal proceedings."

TV to be turned into one long advert

Product placement will be allowed on British programmes under new regulations that ensure that viewers won't go two seconds without missing a plug for hoovers. The new move will calm audiences that are confused by nature documentaries that feature frogs, rabbits and bears who are refuse to sing about chocolate, beer and pensions. Concerned parent Dominic Briers said, "I mean those things are just sitting there, eating, burping and licking themselves. My children come up and ask me why the monkeys aren't dancing in a synchronised formation to a catchy tune. Like they do in real life. I feel like going ahead and cancelling my order for a zebra right now."

Television chiefs have been quick to point out that any product placement that goes on will sensitively handled and in keeping with the content of the programme. The first product that will be showcased is Rustles Horse Manure which will feature in Katie Price's What Katie Did Next. A spokesperson for the dung said "It's a win-win situation for both of us. You've got a barrel load of the most pungent, foul-smelling, fetid crap you could ever imagine and Rustles Horse Manure. You couldn't think of a better combination. Well, other than Hollyoaks and Kleenex have already nabbed that one."

Channel 4 to cut back on talentless freaks

For years Channel 4 has been seen as a refuge for the deluded, the hopeless and the kind of people that others would not only cross the road to avoid but would consider remaining in the road in the face of oncoming traffic if it meant they didn't have to live in a world populated by these types of cretins. But in the face of the economic downturn, the station has announced that it will be letting the majority of its dimwits go. And it is the groundbreaking reality television show Big Brother that will be hardest hit. The station has said that it will only be looking to take on twelve new oxygen thieves in the coming year before refusing all future applications.

Channel 4 commissioner Eric Bleasdale spoke of the anguish he felt when delivering the news to the fuckwits. "It was a really hard thing to do," said Bleasdale, "first of all they find it very hard to concentrate for more than five seconds and were forever wandering off and chasing birds. And then when I had finally got them all sat down, I had to look them in the eye and say that we would be making extreme cutbacks. I then had to explain what extreme meant, what cutbacks meant and then repeat what extreme meant again."

The culling of the divs is emblematic of the spectre of unemployment that is haunting the country. Prime Minister Gordon Brown spoke of his disappointment at the news. "You know things are in a bad way when not even retarded page 3 wannabes are able to get work." The frustration at Big Brother's cancellation has been hard for many to take. Aspiring contestant Michael Deadwood said, "All that time I spent preparing for my audition, standing in my garden just randomly shouting at things. It's all been for nothing."

Police raid on Jackson’s doctor’s house set to make their eBay fortunes

A dawn raid by FBI agents on the offices of Michael Jackson’s personal physician has revealed a whole load of junk that can be flogged to gullible saps, reports say. Many of the officers participating in the raid revealed that they will never have to work another day in their lives as a result of what they found. Officer Dwayne Jones held up a photo album containing some of Jackson’s most treasured pictures. “This obviously meant a lot to Michael,” said Jones, “so it’s goodbye to paperwork and hello to mucho, mucho bitches!” Operation Tat Grab was carried out in Conrad Murray’s Houston clinic as part of the ongoing investigation into how Jackson managed to live to the age of fifty.

Murray was responsible for Jackson’s physical well-being although the singer’s death has cast some slight doubts on Murray’s ability to carry out his job to any kind of decent standard. One of Murray’s colleagues defended the doctor saying, “Sudden death is a very hard thing to treat. I’ve lost count of the number of my patients who have succumbed to sudden death after being treated be me. It’s just utterly incomprehensible.”

The investigation was triggered by Jackson’s autopsy report which revealed traces of human tissue in amongst the metal, plastic, selotape and multiple motherboards that kept Jackson in working order. Chief investigator Larry Dunder remarked, “We were going to contact Microsoft and ask them what might have gone wrong with the operating system. Now there are other possibilities we need to follow up.” Asked if he would be dropping the technical lead, Dunder was hesitant. “We can’t rule it out as we now know that Jackson was using Windows Vista to run his body. So anything could have gone wrong at any time.”

Stem Cell Sperm Hell

Newcastle is a city renowned for spunking money up the wall. It is either done by lager-swilling overeaters on teams full of overpriced football players, or, by the overpriced football players themselves in nightclubs that wouldn’t look out of place in Kabul. Following this trend, scientists at Newcastle University have this week achieved synergy, by creating human sperm cells from tiny bits of baby and then spunking that up the wall instead.

Currently only used for spilling on the trousers of colleagues in cruel practical jokes, the research team have promised that once they exhaust the humour value of throwing factory-fresh baby-gravy at their Lab assistant, they will find something useful to do with it. Honest. Like make an entire gender obsolete. Scientists have advised those tempted to play around with sperm that it does not in fact make an adequate replacement for hair gel. Professor Biker Grove gravely warned, “I was watching that There’s Something About Mary and thought that that bit with the sperm as hair gel might just work. It turns out that you just give yourself really smelly hair. This is the kind of serious research we’ve been conducting here.”

However, the recent breakthroughs in population-porridge studies have not been greeted with unqualified enthusiasm throughout the University. Hugh Chillblain, the head of the demographic ethics department struck a cautious note at the prospect of men becoming redundant, “Sure, everyone knows women are clearly the superior gender. Have you seen this month’s Razzle? But it’s these useless men competing against each other, to get their hands on totty, that have created all the trappings of civilization.

“Our projections have shown that a world without men would certainly be a more peaceful place, but we’ve also conclusively proven that within 3 years each household will need its own personal Ray Mears. And anyway what’s the point? It’s not like there’s a shortage of the stuff; my wife and I have three teenage sons, you know. The only thing we could use more of is shares in Persil.”

World’s Lawyers “devastated” at Michael Jackson’s Passing

Tributes to Michael Jackson have been flooding in from law firms across the world, all praising the former pop star for the considerable amount of work he consistently put their way over the years. Herbert Dean of Weston, Blythe and Dean struggled to hold back the tears as he said, “To think that I'll never be able to see him again, to try not to laugh as I write down his version of events and say ‘Sure, sure, you just happened to be in bed with some children’ and never be able to send him an invoice for time spent on the toilet. I'm sorry, this is just all too draining. Financially I mean.”

Dubbed “The King of Pop” for his exploits in music, in the legal world he was known as “The High Priest of High Court Injunctions.” Jackson would attract a lawsuit at an average of one every twenty minutes. Due to having to give numerous depositions whilst recording his music, he would often become confused as to where he was and what he was supposed to be saying. The little known result of this was that the popular song Billie Jean had originally been given in response to a subpoena for an unpaid parking ticket.

Jackson's unerring ability to be sued over completely baseless allegations that would somehow keep returning, earned the admiration and salaries of many a legal firm. Christine Holmes senior litigator at Earth, Wind and Fire said, “That man put my kids through college and supported my two grand a day coke habit. He wasn't just there for me when everyone was doing it and the price fell. I mean during the 80s when it was pretty exclusive and you had to pay through the nose for it. And then put it up your nose.”

The world’s press is also grieving Jackson’s loss, even in the UK, where the papers are hardly famed for looking kindly on individuals who share what was Mr Jackson’s most persistently legally inconvenient “hobby.” The head of the United Kingdom's consular office in Los Angeles, when asked to explain this staggering volte-face on the part of the British media, replied, "Well, it probably wouldn't be fair to put the onus of responsibility entirely on the sunshine, apportioning blame should neither necessarily be placed exclusively on the moonlight..."