Iran cuts off all contact with Loose Women

The regime in Iran has severed all ties with Western broadcasting, insisting that the Iranian population is at risk of being corrupted by the satanic influence of Location, Location, Location. An official spokesperson for the government outlined the reasons why they are shutting themselves off from The One Show. Gholamhossein Elham, the official spokesman for Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's government condemned those whom he accused of waging a "soft war" against the regime.

"I see these programmes as having a clear intent on subverting the ideals of our government. One such example is Deal or No Deal, which espouses the idea that we can be in control of our fate. This is poisonous as we all know that our lives are controlled by the will of Allah. That, and Noel Edmonds is an utter anus."

The Iranian regime is widely known for being suspicious about outside influences. It has previously lashed out at the producers of the Hollywood film 300, accusing it of negatively portraying the Persians in a negative light. However, the producers hit back, saying that their film portrayed the medium of cinema in a bad light.

The Daily Mail to accept 50% cut in outrage

The Daily Mail has announced that it will be reducing its sense of self-righteousness and moral grand-standing by half. Editor of the paper, Paul Dacre said, "We like to think that we are line with public thinking and also, we're not going to allow that bastard Jonathan Ross to get one up on us." The move has been prompted by Ross's new deal with the BBC with both sides agreeing that he could be replaced by a bunch of schoolkids who knew how to come up with clever twists on the idea of two people having sexual intercourse.

The new regime at the Daily Mail will feature old favourites such as European bureaucrats, house prices and everything causing cancer but done in a much more restrained way. Columnist Richard Littlejohn was one quick to adopt to the new methods. "It's an absolute disgrace," said Littlejohn, "it's all a bunch of jobsworths telling us what we can and can't do. You couldn't make it up. Although I did saw a rainbow today and it made my heart swell with love. I skipped down the street and hugged a tree." A spokesperson for the paper did confirm that it still viewed single mothers as scum.

Delight as I’m A Celebrity contestants work out why each other is famous

It is the Eureka moment that could set the series of ‘I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here’ to be one of the defining television shows of the year as the contestants finally work out how on earth they are deemed to be celebrities. Creator of the show, Vince Nevor, explained why this year’s show appeared to be consisting of bag ladies and people purloined from chicken sexing plants. “We had to shake up the whole system. We’ve got to question the whole nature of celebrity and get people to ask, ‘Are these celebrities or simply people who have been on TV?’. It’s very Samuel Becket. According to my researcher.“

The series exploded into life with the arrival of Katie Price, the model formerly known as Jordan who formerly was quite pretty until she took a scalpel to her face. Until then, the cast had been stalking each other like panthers, unsure whether they were in the presence of celebrity or just a dick in a cork hat. With the introduction of Katie Price, Lucy Benjamin stammered, “It’s that one, the one who has got massive funbags and pretends to write books. This must be a reality TV show!”

This set off a spiral of discoveries as each began to recognise one another. Kim Woodburn was the next to be worked out and formerly unmasked as the person who is filmed telling other people that they are living in filth. Questions still remain over Justin Ryan who keeps on telling the others that he is the star of the BBC Three documentary, My Inguinal Hernia and Me. But the others are not so sure. The one that used to be in Mystique but now sells hats has her doubts. “I’m sure he’s served in me in KFC,” said the one that used to be in Mystique but now sells hats.

Al Gore's new eco-film is a masterpiece say converted

It was the cinematic warning of the oncoming apocalypse, a portent so terrifying that it launched a million recycling campaigns, brought about Live Earth but didn't really do that much to stop us f**king up the planet. So now, celebrity eco-campaigner and winner of American Airlines Accumulated Air Miles 2006, 2007, 2008 and 2009 Al Gore will present his latest attempt at persuading humanity to lead a more environmentally friendly lifestyle. And those that have seen Our Choice: A Plan To Keep St. Tropez Nice are declaring it to be a film that concurs with their fundamental beliefs.

In his new film, Gore attempts to reach those who are not influenced by scientific fact but whose level of self-satisfied smugness means that they think that they are capable of changing the world by themselves. "Laying out the facts just won't work," said Gore, "which means we've got to rely on fiction and fairy stories to try and persuade them. Although a lot of people believe in a big man in the sky created the world, we need to make them think that he is telling them to recycle teabags."

Viewers of the film are ecstatic at the message that they themselves agree with. Richard Pilsby, a member of the Green party and part time tree said, "I'm going to go out right now and keep doing the things I was doing before. But even more so!" Claire Danns, a keen eco-warrior said, "It has honestly changed my life. Not that it has influenced me in any way but that I wasted two hours of my life on that drivel."

Halloween special: X-Factor preview

It's nearly time for Halloween, a time when the Earth is haunted by the spirits of the undead and the foul and most wretched creatures are seen throughout the land. Which is why it's time for a preview of this week's X-Factor.

It's week 4 and the nerves are beginning to show. Who will be the first to crack? Who will fall and be consigned to walk the open mike circuit in pubs across the country until they get a real job? Who will be the first to show one ounce of charisma, making them totally unsuitable for warbling the emotionally manipulative pap the eventual winner will be forced to churn out for eons? The Chum Bucket looks at the runners and riders of the show that defies description. Other than "A show that showcases braindead cretins who are judged by cash-hungry whores, which is watched by fuckwits." Good times!

Up first it's those loveable twins John and Edward Grimes have been described as talentless, unable to sing and are destroying the credibility of the show. Which is saying something for a show dogged by vote rigging, psychological torture of its contestants and featuring Dannii Minouge as a judge for good singing. But these spritely young fellows have a lot on their side. The fact that objective analysis is a stranger to the voting public. Robert Lister, a truck driver from Norwich said, "I just do whatever annoys Simon Cowell, that'll show the big fat money maker, making money from all the calls I'm making and giving him money."

Next is the guy with the big hair, Frank or Worrell or something. Judge Cheryl Cole speaks very highly of him or him or whoever it is. "Dennis or Shane or something has got that special something. It's niceness or pleasantness or inoffensiveness or possibly something that I just can't put my finger on. If Nigel or Sarah or Lizzie can win over the hearts of the people, he's got every chance of winning. Or losing. I just don't know. Don't ask me, I'm too pretty to talk."

Then there is some other guy or a girl or a horse or a cabinet full of jelly or some 17-year old from stage school who'll cry or some stuff like that. For f**ks sake, whatever happened to this country? We used to produce rock stars like Mick Jagger, Keith Moon and David Bowie, people who took music and infused it with soul, purpose and passion. Now? Now we're just left with a bunch of prissy, no-talent, karoake-singing bums who just stand there, showing no kind of - [Ed - and we'll leave it there. The Chum Bucket blogger will be taking a period of extended leave. Happy Halloween everyone!]

Millions expected to watch Question Time pantomime special

The BBC is looking forward to bumper viewing figures ahead of its Question Time pantomime special. Normally home to plodding political debate, this week's programme will tell the story of evil BNP leader Nick Griffin and his quest to steal a magic lamp from a sleeping beauty giant with a magic beanstalk. In boots. The programme will have the familiar interactive element with the audience able to boo every time Griffin says, "Now I'm not a racist but...', to which the audience will shout, "Oh yes you are!"

Other roles include Jack Straw who will play a brave but feeble-minded prince whilst his floundering and even more feeble-minded sidekick will feature Liberal Democrat Home Affairs spokesman Chris Huhne.

The roles of the Aesthetically-challenged Sisters will be taken by Bonnie Greer and Baronness Warsi. Veteran broadcaster David Dimbleby will take up the role of Buttons, the lovable scamp who will finish the night with a song.

A BBC insider said, "We're really excited about this. We're getting candy floss, toffee apples and everything. Some might say that this just shows how pathetic mainstream politics has become, that we're reduced to some childish bantering backwards and forwards without actually discussing the vital issues of the day. But those people I would say this, there's fricking candy floss!"

There has been a fair amount of controversy over Griffin's appearance but the BNP leader seems unfazed by it all. "Listen darling," said Griffin, "I've been in this game for a long time and I've seen it all. I've had eggs thrown at me, been jeered and do you know what, I've loved every minute of it. That's what it's all about, getting a rise out of people. You don't think I believe all that stuff about racial segregation do you? It's a laugh darling, I'll do a little goose step, casually drop in a reference to Oswald Moseley and make a joke about wearing a brown shirt. It's all giggles luvvie, just giggles."

One person working on the programme who asked to remain anonymous said, "This is a f**king travesty."

Police to investigate The Daily Mail for being The Daily Mail

Police are set to investigate Daily Mail columnist Jan Moir after ten of thousands of people complained about her article on Stephen Gately's death being filled with some of the worst kind of Daily Mail imaginable. Constable Alec Peters confirmed that he would be looking into the offending article. "If there's been a complaint made about vitriolic abuse, incitement of hatred and clear instances of Daily Mail, then we have to investigate."

The uproar over Moir's article is a result of her insinuation that Gately's death due to natural causes was linked to him being a homosexual. "Sure, there might be a perfectly reasonable explanation for this tragedy which might be established by some scientific method," wrote Moir, "But that's exactly what gays want you to believe. That way it won't seem strange when they crawl into our ears at night and lay their eggs."

Editor of the Daily Mail, Paul Dacre, defended the article. "Yes the article did contain clear elements of prejudice," said Dacre, "there was also quite a bit of ignorance and factual inaccurarcy too. But the again, if you're going to establish editorial guidelines, they need to be maintained."

The publication of the article caused an outbreak of outrage, ironically the same type that is normally fermented by the Daily Mail in response to programmes it hasn't seen. One of the plaintives was Greg Halford who posted: "As a gay man, I have taken some abuse over my sexuality. I've been shouted at, beaten up and called all kinds of horrendous names. But I have never had to put up with this sort of Daily Mail. It beggars belief"

Bandwagon jumper jumps on the bandwagon of bandwagon jumper

The Sun newspaper has come out in favour of Conservative leader David Cameron as well as Manchester United, cute puppies and Keeley Hazell. The editor of the paper, Dominic Monahan, explained the decision to back the Tories was based on the fact taht their leader was as shallow and superficial as The Sun. "He'll do anything for a vote like we'll do anything for a sale. Buy tomorrow's paper for a free DVD about how to get a cheap holiday with guaranteed Premiership footballers' tits."

The Sun has a history of backing winners in general elections although it is notoriously cautious when giving its endorsement. It only came out for Tony Blair just six weeks before the 1997 election and was cagey on Robert Mugabe's chances of getting re-elected last year. The previous editor of the paper, Rebekah Wade, famously ummed and ahed before coming out with the headline 'Mugabe: he's not torturing that many!"

However, the Sun has got it wrong on one occasion. Its endorsement of F.W. de Klerk over Nelson Mandela in the 1994 South African general election was one of the biggest editorial gaffes of all time. Mike Hack, political editor of the paper at the time, gave his reasons for his support of the leader of the racist National Party. "I just thought he had the mood of the people."

We meant barbecue autumn say weathermen

Meteorologists across the country have applied for retrospective permission to forecast a barbecue autumn. The recent good weather has brought out a number of prediction-makers who are keen to revisit their forecasts. They now insist that when they said the summer would be one fit for barbecues rather than home made water parks, they actually meant autumn.

"We got it wrong by one season," said one weatherman who asked not to be named just in case the weather turned, "it probably wasn't our fault. The summer weather must have got held up some way, possibly in the Bahamas."

Weathermen across the country were accused of getting the country's hopes up by predicting a summer filled with sunshine and non-stop bliss. Instead, all that passed between June to August were continuous looks out of the window to a grey sky and continuous shouts "But they fricking promised!"

This has led to accusations that the weatherman association is in cahoots with the sunglasses and crappy dance compilations. However, the weathermen of the country have hit back. "That is totally tropical," said Michael Fish, "I mean wrong and if one more person asks me about the boxes of Oakleys in my garage, I'm going shake, shake, shake the room, I mean, start legal proceedings."

Tragedy strikes as those reading Dan Brown forget to breathe

Readers of Dan Brown's latest novel way of conning people out of money have been warned that they face possible death through reading the book. Research has found that the average Dan Brown reader making their way through the contrived hokum will probably forget to keep breathing as their utter lack of mental faculties mean that they can only concentrate on one or the other. One such person was Elliott Lockhead who fell into a coma after getting through just 17 chapters or six minutes reading.

"I really enjoyed the last book and I thought I'd give this one a bash. I like the way you can just turn your brain off when reading it. Unfortunately, this then rendered me braindead for six days. It was only when someone waved a copy of Dante's Inferno under my nose that I regained consciousness."

Doctors are keen to stress the underlying dangers of reading the author. Dr Gumbo of the Institute of Ersatz Academia advised readers to only read the book in small doses. "The problem is that if you read it for any longer than six pages, you have to dampen down any mental processes to enable you not to take it seriously. Anyone actually paying any attention to what is going on will immediately come to the conclusion that it is utter bunkum read by simple-minded goons. So they've got to shut everything down including the power to operate basic bodily functions. I've lost count of the number of people coming in here after reading Dan Brown, having soiled themselves silly."

A spokesperson for Brown's publishers advised any readers to make sure they have a loved one nearby just in case they lapse into a vegetative state by the time they get to page 19. Tell-tale signs of this including dribbling, an inability to move and a propensity to say things like 'You know, it's actually not that bad."

TV to be turned into one long advert

Product placement will be allowed on British programmes under new regulations that ensure that viewers won't go two seconds without missing a plug for hoovers. The new move will calm audiences that are confused by nature documentaries that feature frogs, rabbits and bears who are refuse to sing about chocolate, beer and pensions. Concerned parent Dominic Briers said, "I mean those things are just sitting there, eating, burping and licking themselves. My children come up and ask me why the monkeys aren't dancing in a synchronised formation to a catchy tune. Like they do in real life. I feel like going ahead and cancelling my order for a zebra right now."

Television chiefs have been quick to point out that any product placement that goes on will sensitively handled and in keeping with the content of the programme. The first product that will be showcased is Rustles Horse Manure which will feature in Katie Price's What Katie Did Next. A spokesperson for the dung said "It's a win-win situation for both of us. You've got a barrel load of the most pungent, foul-smelling, fetid crap you could ever imagine and Rustles Horse Manure. You couldn't think of a better combination. Well, other than Hollyoaks and Kleenex have already nabbed that one."

Is Hitler as bad as AIDS?

Given the controversy surrounding the latest AIDS prevention adverts featuring a woman having sex with a man who turns out to be Adolf Hitler, we ask our hard hitting columnist Rod Littlejohn to give his views on whether it is right to equate one of the biggest killers of yesteryear to one of the biggest killers of today. Note to readers - the offensive and gratuitously stupid views expressed by Mr. Littlejohn do not reflect the views of the Chum Bucket. Even though we thought he would be a good person to write an op-ed piece on this very subject.

RL: The first thing to say about to say about this advert is that it is outrageous. To have fifty seconds of Adolf Hitler having sex with a pretty young filly offends me. It's not enough. It's a deliberate ploy by the people behind the ad to get its viewers to watch it over and over and over again. Fine - you won.

It also does a disservice to the great man's legacy (watch it - Ed). The advert features the great Fuhrer being really quite agressive in the act of copulation. But by all accounts, Adolf was a sensitive lover, happy to burn scented candles and spend endless hours just stroking thighs and giving back rubs. At least, that's what I do when I dress up as Hitler and - (please just stick to the topic - Ed).

But to say that Hitler is the same as AIDS is repellant in the extreme. Some say that he was a bad man. And I would say, 'Sure, he killed six million people but at the end of the day, there was a guiding principle behind it'. AIDS kills for no reason. Adolf Hitler killed for a greater Germany and the known superiority of the Aryan people (this is your last warning - Ed). Also, another mistake is that death by AIDS is a long, agonising process. Death by being rigorously shagged by Adolf Hitler would surely be one of the purest, sweetest and most ecstacy-inducing experiences - (right, that's it, you're fired - Ed).

Murdoch to make serial masturbators pay for content

Media tycoon Rupert Murdoch is used to being a revolutionary force within media, constantly pushing boundaries and jumping up and down on standards until they are lower than anyone ever thought possible. He was the first person to come up with the ingenious combination of sensationalist, poorly researched journalism with soft-core pornography. He has copied this model across the world and is only seconded by Richard Desmond whose own collection of publications includes Asian Babes, Indo-European Sluts and Marine Biologists In The Nip.

Murdoch has taken the step of charging his readers for the content that can be found in his array of titles. “High quality journalism isn’t cheap,” said Murdoch, “so we’ve abandoned that and put together shots of birds in the altogether with some stuff about bogus asylum seekers eating swans.” The tariffs for the sites are yet to be announced but is expected to use a system dependent on the number of bums and nipples viewed. Media analyst Tony Ferret said, “We expect that one pound gets you either ten nipples, thirty bums or eighty thousand pieces of political analysis. Of course, I expect you’ll be able to mix and match.”

However, onanists across the world are up in arms about the move. “I can’t believe that they’re doing this,” said Gary Trimble, speaking to The Chum Bucket on what sounded like a hands-free telephone. “The Sun has always been the best newspaper to beat off to. The ones in the Star always look grumpy and don’t get me started about the Daily Sport. Oh, oh, yes, yes that's right. And I’m done.” However, Murdoch has defended his decision, saying, “Do you know how many years’ training it takes to be able to get those up the skirt shots? It’s an art I’m telling you, an art.”

Radio One unveils all-cock line-up

The BBC has moved quickly to ensure that it is keeping up with the youth of today by completing a line-up of attention-deficient divs to present shows on Radio 1. The new rota of DJs will see Chris Moyles guff on in his usual manner, followed by Fearne Cotton (who's clearly got one) testing the listeners’ faith in a just universe. Filling up the afternoon slots will be work experience boy Reg James before the nation holds its nose whilst the flow of excrement and sewage that is the Scott Mills Show fills the airwaves.

The run of talentless voids is unparalleled in the radio station’s history. Radio analyst Terry Hirst remarked that, “No matter how bad things got at Radio One, there was always someone decent on. Like Mark & Lard or the rare occasions when Jo Whiley wasn’t trying to give her guests a reacharound under the table. Now the line-up makes you want to retch, over and over again.

Radio One controller Andy Parfitt defended the changes to the station’s programming saying, “As kids become more techno-savvy and more nuanced in their choice of media output, we need more dicks on Radio One.”

The move will see 68 year old Jo Whiley move to Radio Two, a move that she did not seem happy to make. Speaking to reporters outside Broadcasting House, the veteran broadcaster said, “Hey dudes, I’m still fresh and I’ve got some fat grooves to lay down. Wiggy, wiggy, wiggy. Let’s all get down to the new sounds of the Isley Brothers.” Whiley then tried to speed off on a skateboard and fell over and fractured everything.

Entertainment World joined in sorrow by Feminist Movement as Mollie Sugden dies

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BBC to reveal how much money Graham Norton “earns”

The BBC is to be compelled to reveal its finances so the public can precisely see how their money is being allocated to utter drivel. Though the corporation is to continue in its apprehension at disclosing how much it pays individual oxygen thieves such as Chris Moyles. The reason being that the figures involved would destroy the concept of a fair and just universe in which financial remuneration is congruent with either talent or originality. This in turn would hand ammunition to the BBC’s competitors, who would discover how much license fee loot is dished out to persons that would even be looked down on by a pair of Buckfast-swigging bums. One BBC insider confessed, “It is absolutely vital that we don’t let on how much we pay Marcus Brigstock. You just couldn’t look your children in the face and tell them that people are essentially good inside.”

One intriguing revelation coming from the newly released figures is that the Scott Mills show on Radio 1, requires a weekly payment of £100,000 in order to purge his studio of the stench of failed humanity and piss poor entertainment. Director General Mark Thompson defended the outlay, saying, “If we don’t clean it after Mills has been in, the place is just an utter write-off. Everywhere he goes, he leaves behind this trail of rancid chat and soulless rubbish. But we think he’s worth it. I mean who else could do those wacky prank phone calls, that crass innuendo and er, those hilarious wacky phone calls? Your average child? Oh, I see your point.”

The BBC also plans to cut down on the swearing in its programs before the watershed, although it does now encourage its viewers to swear at what’s on if so moved to do. The announcement has come as a relief to many viewers, some of whom feel an unbearable urge to shout “This is utter sheep’s balls!” whenever Working Lunch comes on. Others, such as Harriet Frimsdale have expressed delight at being allowed to repeatedly yell “goose turd” at the screen whenever Bill Oddie appears, “Now that’s what I call interactivity,” she said, “never mind all this ‘press the red button now’ bollocks.”