What will happen in 2010

In its last post for 2009, the Chum Bucket will peer into the crystal ball, gaze into the future and then write some crap about tossers. The following predictions are not legally binding and are subject to alterations after actual events have happened.

January

Celebrity Big Brother faces ruin as the lack of any viewers means that no contestants are voted out for the first eight weeks. The entire nation is too busy working overtime to pay off their credit card debts whilst the core audience of unemployed sociopaths find more enjoyment in staring at a puddle.

February

Sick of being lambasted for trying to save the planet in his private jet, Sting leaves Earth to try and save Mars. "It's a desolate wasteground now," says Sting, "but with a lick of paint and some Mongolian folk music, we should be able to turn it around." He spends eight months trying to fix the planet but his efforts are in ruins after a NASA probe finds no signs of intelligent life.

March

The world is taken hostage after Eddie Murphy threatens to release more films. Despite the global recession, nations scramble around to meet the ransom. This stops Murphy from appearing in a British comedy with Horne and Corden, a combination scientists claim would have been the perfect storm of crap cinema.

April

Not only is Michael Owen left of England's World Cup squad, he is left out of his own house. Owen is determined to force his way back but breaks both legs whilst trying to put the key in the lock. "I'm not a quitter," says Owen, "although if it goes on much longer, I'll just buy another house."

May

Gordon Brown's attempt to call a general election fails. The Prime Minister dials the wrong number five times before throwing the phone at the wall. British law states that in the absence of a general election, the next Prime Minister must be a member of parliament who can show integrity and conviction. Due to the lack of any candidates, the country is ruled by mice.

June

Andy Murray is thrown out of Wimbledon after complaints over his excessive shouting. After winning every point, Murray is heard to be exclaiming, "You may break my service but you'll never take my freedom!"

July

England are knocked out of the World Cup after a last minute goal consigns them to an 8-0 defeat against Brazil. The Sun reacts with a headline of "Kill All Gypsies!"

August

A nationwide heatwave leads to Sharon Osbourne's face melting. Steve Lamacq promises to provide water to any home who can remember what he does.

September

David Cameron takes over the country with swift and crushing coup d'etat against the ruling mice. "I can't believe it's taken us this long to realise that they are an inch in size." Most of the mice are kept on in administrative capacities.

October

Katie Price kidnaps the Pope in order to hold onto her dwindling fame. When this doesn't work after the Pope magics himself away, Price changes her name to "Cure for AIDS." The AIDS virus sues for bringing its name into disrepute.

November

The climate change conference in Oslo is successful. All of the countries' leaders sign a binding agreement that they will turn up to a climate change conference next year.

December

The X-Factor is once again denied the number one slot at Christmas. An internet campaign succeeds in getting NWA's 'Fuck Tha Police' to the top spot. Cowell is magnanimous in defeat, "Fair play to them, it's a great record and the market for crap schmalz has run its course." The X-Factor winner is then put down.

Student's attempt to blow up plane makes planned reunion awkward

The ex-UCL student who failed in his attempt blow up a plane in America has succeeded in ripping apart his classmates' plans for a meet-up. The actions of Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab have made it increasingly difficult for the class of 2008 to get together. Danny Simpson, the graduate who had organised the meet-up, expressed his frustration at the ongoing situation. "I'm seriously pissed off. I had booked a table in Brown's, managed to get confirmations from everyone and then everyone is now backing out because Umar tried to blow up a plane." The spokesperson for the restaurant confirmed that Simpson would be losing his deposit.

Those who knew Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab are amazed at their former classmate's actions. The head of the engineering department in which Abdulmutallab was enrolled described the 23 year old as a "hard working student althought quiet. The only sign of any trouble was when he asked whether he could sign up for the Explosives in Pants workshop. We don't normally get many people interested."

Fellow student Alan Wicker remembers Abdulmutallab as a diligent worker although prone to eccentricity. "I remember he came up to me one day and said, 'I've got a bomb in my pants.' I said, 'Yeah, I also need to get laid.' He said, 'No seriously, I'm packing explosives.' I replied, 'Damn right, I call mine the Wrathful Cobra.'"

Copenhagen summit chooses spiders to rule after humanity's collapse

It's the agreement that no-one thought would happen. The world's leaders have gathered together in Copenhagen and come up with a binding agreement. It has nothing to do with climate change but they have concluded that it will be spiders who are the Earth's dominant creature after humanity throws itself into the abyss. Gordon Brown announced the choice in a small cupboard whilst people's attention was focused elsewhere. "Although we won't be able to save ourselves, we have put a lot of work into making sure that the spider will reign supreme. All hail the spider, the new devastator of Planet Earth!"

The summit had started off on a good note with inconsequential matters quickly brushed aside. Helen Taylor, working as an aide, reported how the issue of global warming was quickly dealt with. "Everyone just decided that humanity is doomed to failure due to its inability to form an equilibrium with its natural surroundings. We're just a virus with a nose. Which it uses to give itself the impression that its shit doesn't stink."

However, for the animals that didn't get the nod for global domination, the summit was something of a failure. Heading up the bear lobby was Michael, a great bear from Canada. "We put together a great package about our ability to be top of the food chain whilst still remaining cuddly. But then they brought up the issue of Yoggie Bear's continued thieving of picnics plus Winnie the Pooh's addiction to honey and the whole thing collapsed. Plus the spiders did give great giftbags."

Al Gore's new eco-film is a masterpiece say converted

It was the cinematic warning of the oncoming apocalypse, a portent so terrifying that it launched a million recycling campaigns, brought about Live Earth but didn't really do that much to stop us f**king up the planet. So now, celebrity eco-campaigner and winner of American Airlines Accumulated Air Miles 2006, 2007, 2008 and 2009 Al Gore will present his latest attempt at persuading humanity to lead a more environmentally friendly lifestyle. And those that have seen Our Choice: A Plan To Keep St. Tropez Nice are declaring it to be a film that concurs with their fundamental beliefs.

In his new film, Gore attempts to reach those who are not influenced by scientific fact but whose level of self-satisfied smugness means that they think that they are capable of changing the world by themselves. "Laying out the facts just won't work," said Gore, "which means we've got to rely on fiction and fairy stories to try and persuade them. Although a lot of people believe in a big man in the sky created the world, we need to make them think that he is telling them to recycle teabags."

Viewers of the film are ecstatic at the message that they themselves agree with. Richard Pilsby, a member of the Green party and part time tree said, "I'm going to go out right now and keep doing the things I was doing before. But even more so!" Claire Danns, a keen eco-warrior said, "It has honestly changed my life. Not that it has influenced me in any way but that I wasted two hours of my life on that drivel."

Swine flu pandemic forces footballers to confront real life

The spread of swine flu amongst the Premier League's top teams is threatening to derail the rest of the football season with many of the league's top stars laid low after having to confront reality. The knock-on effect of catching the virus is that many of the players no longer have any hiding place from things that they thought only affected the poor. Peter Crouch, of Tottenham Hotspur, was in shock over the revelations. "This sort of thing does make you think, which I pay a lot of money to people so that they can do that for me."

Such is the impact that swine flu has made on footballers' consciousnesses that it has led to question every aspect of their existence. James Beattie, of Stoke City, spoke of the epiphany that he had recently undergone. "It was amazing. One morning I woke up and I suddenly realised that I had no idea of how to dress myself. Normally my eagle butler does that for me but ever since Mr. Tuttle has been put in quarantine, it's been a real struggle. If anybody does have any idea about to put clothes on, could you get in touch?"

The Premier League however is confident that footballers will soon be able to return to the bubble in which they live. A spokesman for the organisation said that measures have been taken to stop the spread of reality impacting on its members. From now on all football changing rooms are to sealed off from anyone who has tested positive for earning less than forty grand a week.

Pope: Turn Catholic and win a fridge!

The Catholic church has announced its largest recruiting drive in a generation with the Vatican offering members of the Anglican community wholesale conversions in Rome and the chance to win big, big prizes. The items on offer range from teatowels to all-ivory cutlery to sewing accessories.

In his statement, the pontiff Pope Benedict XVI made his message about the chance to join the papacy. Speaking on the QVC Shopping and Religious Affairs Channel, the Pope said, "Hi, I'm Joseph and I'm here to talk to you today about the wonderful benefits of Catholicism. You know, people often say to me 'Hey Jo, I want to get to heaven but I belong to a branch of Christianity that does not hold to a literal interpretation of the Bible. There's got to be an easier way!' Well help is at hand.

"Our conversions to the Catholic faith are out of this world. If you're not satisfied with the acceptance of transubstantiation and the promotion of the Tridentine mass, I'll whip a monkey. I like the product so much, I run the whole damn business!"

The invitation by the Pope has drawn criticism from the Anglican Church who are desperate not to lose any more believers from their dwindling flock. The Archbishop of Canterbury said, "Catholicism may offer many things such as moral absolutism, hotter women and the chance to win a new kitchen in the colour of your choice.

"But the Church of England can offer a great deal of things to any interested worshipper. Things such as cup of tea plus the chance to opt back in when you're faced with imminent death. Name me one other branch of Christianity that does that. Other than the Unitarians, the Baptists and the one where they worship Jesus in the form of a leopard."

However, many within the Church of England fear the pull of the papacy, especially given the Catholic church's unveiling of its new slogan: "The Catholic church: Because we know what you've done."

Beckham's man of the match award 'an affront to God'

Giving David Beckham the man of the match award for his performance against Belarus will surely bring about a wave of annihilation and pestilence of biblical proportions according to top football pundits. Floods, locusts and pillars of fire raining down upon the country from a great height are the best that the nation can hope for given the offence caused.

The award has invoked such an almighty furore that the only way for Western civilisation to save itself is to sacrifice Owen Hargreaves by burning him at the stake whilst Peter Crouch does his robot celebration to the tune of Will Young's cover of Light My Fire.

Jeff Powell, of the Daily You're Not From Around Here Are You? insisted that the award given to the man who had been kicking a football around a field should have gone to another man who had been kicking a football around a field for a bit longer and had probably done a bit better. Yet the man who had been kicking a football around a field and had done some good kicking had got the award instead. "It's a travesty," said Powell, "If we don't give the award to the right man kicking a ball around a field then where are we as a nation? I'll tell you where. The Island of Dung, that's where."

Steve Bruce, the man who has brought the almighty wrath of God upon the nation, defended his choice of player. "For me, David Beckham was the best kicker of the ball on the rectanglar piece of grass. I know Peter Crouch kicked the ball into the net twice but I just felt that David's kicking on the grass gave him the edge. So I'm sorry that we'll all burn in an almighty flood of fire and sulphur but I stand by my choice of good kicker."

A spokesperson for the Almighty confirmed that the Blessed Lord who is all-knowing, all-seeing and all-loving would have gone for Gareth Barry.

Celebrities in mad rush to be photographed with disappearing Arctic ice

It is the crisis that everyone feared but never thought would come crashing down like a twat's fist in Leona Lewis's face. Now the worse fears of a generation have been realised. How will Madonna find time for a photoshoot with the Arctic's vanishing ice caps whilst continuing to pump out disco anthems for gay men in their forties? It seems like the frozen wasteland has refused to reschedule its imminent destruction, which has put the perfectly set nose of many today's celebrity ecowarriors out of joint.

Sting is said to be particularly irate at what is going on. "We've got to do something before it's too late. I am willing to make a sacrifice never previously seen before in the history of mankind. Forget Oscar Schindler, forget Jesus and forget Mother Theresa. If the ice caps start growing again, I'll delay recording my next album featuring Albanian orphans on spoons and which ever ethnic music is fashionable at the moment."

The inhabitants of the Arctic have also become anxious over their future. One polar bear named Vince Cornfoy confirmed his worries about his imminent demise. "This is my livelihood. I've got a shoot with Vogue to get done plus there's the 2010 cutsie wutsie calendar to get finished off.

"There's the next series of Blue Planet to fit in plus I'm told that Woody Allen wants to set his next movie here. Apparently I'm up for a neurotic misanthrope who constantly has sex with younger female polar bears. If these ice caps go, where am I going to go? The only place that's whiter than the Arctic is Kensington. And that's not cheap." Mr. Cornfoy did confirm that he remains available for acting work, corporate events and collaborations with Damon Albarn.

Brown to give the most mental speech ever

Ahead of what will be the most speech of his political career, Prime Minister Gordon Brown has revealed to his aides that his speech at the Labour Conference will be one of the most ludicrous pieces of rhetoric ever heard. One aide revealed that Brown has asked for five hundred chickens to be released as he takes to the stage. The collected poultry will then join Brown in a hearty rendition of showtunes whilst a troupe of schoolchildren arm wrestle. After the chickens have been cleared, Brown will construct a harp out of fudge before kicking a lion's head off.

Brown's plans have left many observers keen to see what happens. Alex Cho, a delegate at the conference said, "It's one thing fixing the economy but it's another thing entirely to remember all the lyrics from Cats."

The content of Brown's speech is intended to focus on crime, public spending cuts and his imaginary adventures as one of the Three Musketeers. One of Brown's aides said, "Throughout his tenure as Prime Minister, Gordon has had a real affinity with Porthos, the cool one, and he wants to tell people about it."

For the second half of his speech, Brown will acknowledge the continued for investment in education. He will follow this by stripping off and taking to a jacuzzi filled up with yoghurt. Pundits predict he will use this opportunity to splash around and shout, "It's like liquid clouds! Clouds! Clouds! So pretty!" Brown will then dry himself off and return to the podium to talk about corporate responsibility.

The dramatic switch by Brown from his normal saturnine disposition is a desperate attempt to try and convince people that he is not a corpse roaming the Earth and turning up in children's nightmares. He will acknowledge the numerous failures of his premiership and attempt to position himself as the underdog for the upcoming election, stating, "I'm a bit sh*t, aren't I?" Pundits predict that this will strike a chord with the voting public when they vote for David Cameron next spring.

Scientists claim breakthrough against the need for Bono

Researchers have announced a startling discovery that could possibly rid the world of do-gooders forever. The scientists behind the study are pressing the need for caution but have suggested that their results could reduce the need for a celebrity to visit Africa by up to a third. Professor Henry Finkel of the Institute of Ersatz Academia said, "It is truly astonishing. In our control group, which had people given a placebo, we had Chris Martin, Natalie Portman and Susan Sarandon with their faces pressed up against the glass, looking at the subjects and shouting that 'Something must be done!'

In the group that received the new treatment, we found that only Peaches Geldof stopped by before she got bored and went to buy a dog."

The team behind the research hope that their work will lead to the erradication of U2 singer Bono or at least contain him to a music studio where his cloying, emotionally hollow dirges about the importance of tax avoidance can be kept to a minimum.

The frontman has been a scourge of African countries since the Eighties, frequently unleashing economic and political advice despite having no grounding in the complexities of governance. Examples of his unwanted intervention include the massive famine he brought about in the Congo in 1989 as a result of his insistence that the country's agricultural policy should be based around a four-bar blues riff.

Congan agricultural minister Claude Mandanda said, "Sure it was catchy but it caused the death of millions. For the love of god, just stick to tax havens and trying to get Obama on speed dial."

Tragedy strikes as those reading Dan Brown forget to breathe

Readers of Dan Brown's latest novel way of conning people out of money have been warned that they face possible death through reading the book. Research has found that the average Dan Brown reader making their way through the contrived hokum will probably forget to keep breathing as their utter lack of mental faculties mean that they can only concentrate on one or the other. One such person was Elliott Lockhead who fell into a coma after getting through just 17 chapters or six minutes reading.

"I really enjoyed the last book and I thought I'd give this one a bash. I like the way you can just turn your brain off when reading it. Unfortunately, this then rendered me braindead for six days. It was only when someone waved a copy of Dante's Inferno under my nose that I regained consciousness."

Doctors are keen to stress the underlying dangers of reading the author. Dr Gumbo of the Institute of Ersatz Academia advised readers to only read the book in small doses. "The problem is that if you read it for any longer than six pages, you have to dampen down any mental processes to enable you not to take it seriously. Anyone actually paying any attention to what is going on will immediately come to the conclusion that it is utter bunkum read by simple-minded goons. So they've got to shut everything down including the power to operate basic bodily functions. I've lost count of the number of people coming in here after reading Dan Brown, having soiled themselves silly."

A spokesperson for Brown's publishers advised any readers to make sure they have a loved one nearby just in case they lapse into a vegetative state by the time they get to page 19. Tell-tale signs of this including dribbling, an inability to move and a propensity to say things like 'You know, it's actually not that bad."

Hell reports slight drop in temperature

Chancellor of the Exchequer and Office Support Manager to the Underworld, Alistair Darling, has announced that sulphurous chambers of hell are slightly cooler than usual. The last year has seen the fiery pits of eternal damnation maintain a consistent temperature of insufferable ranging to face-meltingly hot. Yet Darling is confident that measures put in by the government will see the temperature continue to fall from a blistering one million degrees to a balmy nine hundred and ninety nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety eight. "And that's Fahrenheit!" exclaimed Darling, applying some salve to a particularly charred hand.

The news will come as some relief to those who have seen their homes and businesses swallowed up by the raging inferno. Bob Tickoff, whose central heating supply went under last year, is confident of a pick-up in business in the new year. "There's always money in central heating," said Tickoff, "even if you are surrounded by insufferable heat for the rest of eternity. I know things are looking bad at the moment but once the temperature of hell reaches a frosty nine hundred and ninety nine thousand, nine hundred and seventy degrees, I'll be laughing."

BNP success due to ‘dickhead vote’ claim

In picking up two seats in the European elections, the British National Party have been the fortunate recipients of what experts have termed the ‘dickhead vote’. This is a phenomenon where an economic downturn combines with disillusionment with mainstream politics to turn people into right twerps. Professor Alan McGregor of the University of Ersatz Academia explains why so many people came to vote BNP. “What happens in these situations is that people’s anger and bitterness become so great as to turn off the part of the brain that stops you being a dickhead. You know, the part of the brain that stops you from getting tattoos and talking about ringtones. What a bunch of pricks.”

One such prat was Thomas Johnson. His decision was based on the fact that he thought he was making a protest vote. “I was really sticking it to the political process, you know what I mean? I went in there and do you know what I did? I completely participated in the political process. Yeah! Stick that up your arse politics. Oh wait. You know what I’ve gone and done? I’ve only gone and been a complete dickhead. What was I thinking? A protest? Standing in front of tanks in Tiananmen Square, that’s a protest. Voting for a barely coherent bunch of thugs? That’s being a complete and utter div!”

Part of the BNP’s appeal is said to be that they claim they are protecting the rights of Britain’s indigenous people, a move welcomed by druids, sprites and those that make merry in glades and copses. One of the BNP’s supporters, a pig rustler named Ug Crint explained his reasons. “It’s about time someone spoke up for us. I mean, those dragons, they come over here and take our princesses. But it not be politically correct to make conversation pertaining to these deeds. I don’t know, it’s the feudal system gone mad.”

Swine flu “a better conversation topic than the recession”

Reports show that office chatter is undergoing a massive revival due to the outbreak of swine flu. Up until recently, watercooler based nattering had been unable to avoid the topic of the recession, leading to a decrease in the length of conversations due to the fact that “it’s so f**king depressing and will you shut the c**k up already?” But now swine flu has come along and its mixture of exoticism and possible portent of the apocalypse has sent tongues wagging once again.

Darren Phillips, a systems analyst in Durham, explains its appeal. “It’s new, it’s fresh and it’s going to kill us all. So people love to talk about it. It’s creeping ever closer to our workplace so when I start talking about it, people want know. I missed out on bird flu and harping on about global warming has got really boring. But this stuff is gold. Even the office hottie wants in. And she thinks I’m scum.”

The key to swine flu’s popularity is the general ignorance about what it actually is and how it claims its victims. This has led to wild, unfounded but popular rumours about the disease. Stories abound of the virus being able to cut holes in walls and turn kitchen appliances against their owners

The government has gone out of its way to reassure people that it will be no help whatsoever in the face of the oncoming pandemic. Spokesman Robert Wesall said, “We’re honestly about as useful as that makeover for Susan Boyle. We couldn’t cope with a couple of inches of snow. How are we going to deal with a rampaging virus like this? Do you know it can make your own blender want to kill you?”

Pope: Water Useless Against Fires

In a statement that has drawn criticism around the world, Pope Benedict XVI has urged firemen to stop trying to put out fires with water.

The papal edict came ahead of the Pope’s visit to Africa where he is set to open eighty new franchises of Catholicism. The trip is seen as key in bolstering the church’s market share in the region. A papal spokesman said, “Africa is a really exciting place for us at the moment. You’ve got this wonderful lack of education plus a general hopelessness in people’s lives, which does make accepting Catholic teaching an attractive proposition. Promise people a front row seat at the Rapture, and you’d be amazed at what you can get them to do.”

However, the trip has been overshadowed by the Pope’s claim about the ability of water to extinguish fires, which he says has no appreciable effect and can actually make fires worse. Asked what measures firemen should take when confronted with raging infernos, the Pope replied that, “Reading a bit of scripture to the flames and billowing smoke, whilst they continue to rise up into the sky, usually does the trick.”

The Pope has also countered any allegations of pontifical inflexibility by offering a variety of solutions to combustible masses. “If you’ve got a chip pan fire, the passage from Leviticus about not eating shellfish normally works a treat. And if it’s a simple wood fire, I always find that reading Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians can be a great help in these sorts of situations.

But if you find your boiler’s blown up like an evangelist at a gay pride march, then it’s best to say ten Hail Mary’s, click your heels three times… then run like hell.” The Pope was later seen trying to converse with a snake, chasing the reptile as it attempted to wriggle away from his questions.