French philosophers to debate 'What is a handball?'

Thierry Henry's intervention in the vital World Cup playoff in Paris has provoked the entire nation of France to debate the question of 'Can one really handle a ball or is it just a state of mind?' Some of France's most celebrated minds are pondering the issue of whether Henry was committing an egregious foul or simply posing a metaphysical conundrum. Robert Gignac, of the Institute de Flimflam, described what happened as a political gesture, "For me, the handball is a revolutionary act. I don't know how but if we look through a glass and we see a spider knitting itself into a wasp, who is to say that is wrong? I rest my case."

Other Gallic penseurs have come forward with their own theories. Alain Dubedubedoo said, "In my estimation, he was providing us with an essential truth. Because we are descended from Adam, a fallen man, we are all guilty of a handball during all of our lives. So when we touch the ball with our hands and then do it again, and then pretend that we did nothing of the sort until we are confronted with the proof, what we are really doing is confirming ourselves as individuals. But if the Irish players had done it, they would be knobs."

Swine flu pandemic forces footballers to confront real life

The spread of swine flu amongst the Premier League's top teams is threatening to derail the rest of the football season with many of the league's top stars laid low after having to confront reality. The knock-on effect of catching the virus is that many of the players no longer have any hiding place from things that they thought only affected the poor. Peter Crouch, of Tottenham Hotspur, was in shock over the revelations. "This sort of thing does make you think, which I pay a lot of money to people so that they can do that for me."

Such is the impact that swine flu has made on footballers' consciousnesses that it has led to question every aspect of their existence. James Beattie, of Stoke City, spoke of the epiphany that he had recently undergone. "It was amazing. One morning I woke up and I suddenly realised that I had no idea of how to dress myself. Normally my eagle butler does that for me but ever since Mr. Tuttle has been put in quarantine, it's been a real struggle. If anybody does have any idea about to put clothes on, could you get in touch?"

The Premier League however is confident that footballers will soon be able to return to the bubble in which they live. A spokesman for the organisation said that measures have been taken to stop the spread of reality impacting on its members. From now on all football changing rooms are to sealed off from anyone who has tested positive for earning less than forty grand a week.

Chelsea left reliant on something called 'tactics'

The world of Chelsea Football Club has been turned upside down with the news that they are to be banned from splurging out monstrous sums equivalent to a Third World nation's debt. The ban is a result of encouraging a 17-year old youngster to break his contract on the promise of cheap cider and a go at steering Chairman Roman Abramovich's yacht. Head of recruitment Frank Arnesen was astounded by the news. "I honestly didn't think it was a bad thing to break a contract," said Arnesen, looking around nervously for any sign of Russian henchmen in the vicinity, "I've done it loads of times. Contracts are like houses. If you don't like them, set fire to them and walk away to a better one."

The ruling means that Chelsea are unable to buy any new players until 2011 leading to a massive drop in confidence within the squad. Training has been a nightmare with players confused as to how to win matches without spending £80,000 each time someone takes a corner. Head coach Carlo Ancelotti tells of his frustration at trying to get his instructions across. "I say to Frank Lampard 'Cross the ball into the box' and he says 'All right then. Fifty quid.' I try to explain to him that crossing is his job and he moans 'Can't we just buy someone to do instead? I'm tired.' Then there's Didier Drogba who keeps on missing the ball. I asked him why he was doing it and he just says 'I thought Cristiano Ronaldo was going to hit it.' I try to explain that Ronaldo doesn't play for us. He sighs and says 'Well then just buy him then.'"

Suu Kyi: It’s a fair cop

Burma has announced to the world that it can now sleep easy at night thanks to the capture of notorious criminal Aung San Suu Kyi. The former leader was tracked down and arrested for failing to stay in her house, the place where she has been kept for the past fourteen years. Suu Kyi handed herself over but was unrepentant about her crimes of violating her house arrest whilst remaining in her house. “Do you think you keep me outside?” she said, being dragged away back to her house, “I’ve stayed inside this house for years and I can stay inside for plenty more. They haven’t built the house that can keep me from not breaking out whatsoever.”

The arrest comes after one of the biggest manhunts in Burma’s history. Dogs, helicopters and speedboats were all used as the search for Suu Kyi went on for months. It was only after the police received an anonymous tip-off that she was finally brought to justice. Police chief Than Anan revealed that Suu Kyi made the fatal mistake of coming out in public. “It was your classic criminal error,” said Anan, “coming out of your house and telling some utter cretin to stop swimming across a lake into your house.”

Suu Kyi is said to be adjusting well to her new life in prison. She has even started a gang which dominates the prison yard although numbers are said to be low. Given that she will in place for a considerable amount of time, she is making the most of her new and familiar surroundings. “Yeah, I know all the screws in this place,” said Kyi, “slip them a couple of smokes and they’re no trouble at all.”

Teenager breaks up boyfriend after she sees his naked text

It’s the phenomenon amongst teenagers that is causing parents to reach for their copies of Reefer Madness and scream “Is this what you want end up like?” Sexting is the latest craze popular amongst young 'uns along with skinny jeans, happy slapping and a repudiation of the concept of vowels. It involves horny teenagers sending naked pictures of themselves to each other. It is also known as fuxting, screxting and making the beast with two baxting. However, police are warning teenage boys that they risk humiliating themselves through showing the world their under-endowed genitals. Constable Alan Peters said, “If it’s anything less than four inches, for the love of god just keep it in your pants.”

This was the advice that Jared Hornsby failed to take heed of. He has been dumped after sending his own roll in the hext, which caused his girlfriend considerable disappointment and utter devastation. Thinking that he was being romantic, Hornsby only expedited the break-up of the relationship that had previously showed considerable promise. Lisa Rogers, the distraught recipient of the copulext, explained her reasoning for the split. “I hadn’t seen Jared naked because we thought we should wait. Then I saw the photo and I thought ‘That’s what I’m saving myself for? It’s like a button mushroom on two M&Ms.’ I don’t want to embarrass him but if I were him, I’d start putting a cucumber down there.”

Hornsby has hit back at the accusations of not measuring up, saying, “It’s not small at all. It’s just that the camera wasn’t working properly, I’d just got out of the shower, it was a cold day, I had just gone for a run, I’ve had the measles and my cat died the day before. It really isn’t that small.” Objective tests however, are at odds with Mr. Hornsby’s assessment.