MOD calls for less enemies in Afghanistan

The defence secretary, Bob Ainsworth, has made a plea for fewer insurgents attacking British soldiers in the wake of rising casualties in the war-torn country. It is being reported that the British army is unable to cope with the sheer number of blood-thirsty rebels trying to blow the crap out of them. “It’s almost like they don’t want us to be in their country,” said Ainsworth. The MOD has launched an initiative to encourage would-be attackers to do other things with their time. The “Don’t Hurt Our Boys, Hurt Our Toys” scheme is being rolled out across the country and encourages angry militants to blow up teddy bears and Scalextrix tracks instead of members of the armed forces. Uptake of the scheme is said to be “slow”.

The news comes as soldiers complain about the substandard equipment that they are having to use in the face of increasing budget cuts. One soldier revealed that their body armour consisted of nothing but baking trays and pillows stuffed down their shirt. “It might work for the A-Team,” said the anonymous source, “but against guys with rocket launchers and grenades, you tend to come off second best. And that’s generally not what you want to be doing.”

Ainsworth has insisted that progress is being made in Afghanistan. He pointed to Sangin, a town that was in disarray but now has a thriving market. “I’m told you can get all kinds of nicknacks and goodies there,” said Ainsworth, “you can get fruit, cheese, bullets, anti-aircraft missiles, all the components needed for explosive devices, ah. That’s probably why they’re so successful.”

Confirmed: Transformers 3 to make no sense whatsoever

Michael Bay has reassured fans of the Transformers franchise that the final part of his trilogy will contain absolutely no story or indeed any kind of plot. The auteur’s directorial decision was made in order to avoid the pitfalls which have beset other celebrated sequels to sequels, such as, The Matrix Revolutions, Back to the Future III and Are You Being Served 3: Bender in Benidorm. “We’re certainly not going to make the same mistakes those guys did, with their stories, their characterisations and all that trying to tie everything together nonsense. This one is for the fans, you know, guys who get headaches if they don’t see something blown up within the first minute.”

The action is due to be set in a dystopian near-future in which the U.S. is taking part in an intergalactic missile-firing contest. It will see the hero firing as many missiles as he can whilst running in slow motion to dodge the missiles fired at him by gigantic killer robots, that like to fire missiles. “The climax is a beautifully poignant scene,” said Bay, “just at the point where it looks like the hero might have given up all hope and lost the battle, he picks himself up and launches twenty thousand missiles whilst singing the Star Spangled Banner and wrapping himself in an American flag.”

Bay was also asked how he had managed to top the original Transformers movie with his forthcoming sequel Transformers 2: Bang Bang Whoosh Whoosh. “It definitely wasn’t easy,” said Bay, “what you’ve got here is a franchise that a lot of people have a great personal attachment to, and making the second movie even better is a tough job. We looked at everything, character development, narrative evolution, even making the whole thing more believable, but in the end we settled on seeing a bit more of Megan Fox’s breasts.”

Iranian Voters Torn Between Nutjobs

Voting has begun all over Iran with mounting speculation over which fundamentalist will win the right to deny the existence of Israel. Present incumbent Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is the strong favourite but faces a testing challenge from Mir-Hossein Mousavi over who gets to waffle on about Western imperialism and the Great Satan.

Ahmadinejad is a figure of some controversy given his energy policy, which aims to move from nuclear power stations to those powered by burning infidels and enemies of Allah. In contrast, former Prime Minister Mousavi is seen as a more moderate figure which has been made use of by Ahmadinejad who has played on voters’ fears over the consequences of a liberal agenda. The election slogan of “To keep your neighbours Israeli, vote Mousavi” has drawn the ire of many. Some quarters believe his views are too lenient towards non-gentiles while others have criticised them for not being sufficiently anti-Semitic.

Mousavi has hit back with a campaign of his own, based around the threat of foreign invasion. “To get bombed like Baghdad, vote Ahmadinejad” has proved popular with some and has been repeatedly stoned by others. Other policies put forward by Mousavi are indicative of his progressive agenda. “We have to move forward and look at ways of using 21st century technology to keep women at home and away from centres of learning.”

However, the weighty significance of the poll has been brightened up by the presence of several eccentrics standing for office. Among them is Zadir Deghgan a candidate for the George W Bush Appreciation Party. “It’s all a bit of a laugh really,” said Deghgan, speaking from a heavily fortified bunker. “We’ve got policies like National Custard Day, the mandatory wearing of a banana in both ears and an end to the stoning of gays. It’s just a bit of a giggle.” Other parties taking a less than serious approach include the Silly Secularists and the Popular Zionist Front.