French philosophers to debate 'What is a handball?'

Thierry Henry's intervention in the vital World Cup playoff in Paris has provoked the entire nation of France to debate the question of 'Can one really handle a ball or is it just a state of mind?' Some of France's most celebrated minds are pondering the issue of whether Henry was committing an egregious foul or simply posing a metaphysical conundrum. Robert Gignac, of the Institute de Flimflam, described what happened as a political gesture, "For me, the handball is a revolutionary act. I don't know how but if we look through a glass and we see a spider knitting itself into a wasp, who is to say that is wrong? I rest my case."

Other Gallic penseurs have come forward with their own theories. Alain Dubedubedoo said, "In my estimation, he was providing us with an essential truth. Because we are descended from Adam, a fallen man, we are all guilty of a handball during all of our lives. So when we touch the ball with our hands and then do it again, and then pretend that we did nothing of the sort until we are confronted with the proof, what we are really doing is confirming ourselves as individuals. But if the Irish players had done it, they would be knobs."

FA 'must up its game' say freeloading parasites

It's the handbag that might derail England's chance of getting the World Cup in 2018. A seemingly innocuous gift to the visiting members of the FIFA committee has angered one delegate so much that he has been unable to hold onto all his freebies. "It is an insult to my honour and my dignity," said Warner, stuffing his pockets with vol au vents, "I could not look at myself in the new mirror I was given by Japan."

Warner's wife is sad to be distraught at losing the handbag but the FIFA official stands by his principles. "To be treated like this is a sham. In Brazil, they sacrificed a goat in my honour and named a sewage treatment plant after me. In England, they gave a fricking purse. Do they know who I am? I'm the guy that does stuff."

Another FIFA delegate agreed with Warner's stance, insisting that while England had the infrastructure, the stadiums and the capabilities to host a World Cup, they still had a long way to go in greasing up the jobsworths that make up the voting committee. "We're used to the finer things in life, I want to see cheeks on my bottom."

Warner gave a hint of the standards that the FA had to meet. "I want a pony, a tricycle, two houses made out of diamond and my own island that is dedicated to street theatre. Also, I want a parade each day where people say how lovely I am and everyone to be covered in glitter and there to be fireworks at the end that spell out 'Jack Warner is special and we all love him'. And I want another pony."

Asked if that would finally persuade him to vote for England, Warner replied, "No. Australia said they would give a ride in a fire engine."

Media hype over Arsenal's youngsters the best yet, say experts

A narrow 2-1 victory over Liverpool's reserves completed and the verdict is in. Those who saw the game all agree to a man that the media hype surrounding Arsenal's second XI could be one of the finest that the country has ever produced. Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger has urged fans not to get too excited about the hyperbole although he himself admits that the over-exaggeration of some young people kicking a ball around a field could go on to do great things.

"We've had some great knee-jerk reactions in the past," said Wenger, "and if you're going to blow smoke up someone's arse, you need time to develop that level of overblown copy. But I have to say that this sensationalism could surpass them all. I'm talking tabloid coverage of an England World Cup campaign here."

The reasons to get excited about the level of hot air are many. Examples include The Daily Telegraph's Bob Newby who is the heartbeat of the side, spraying out glib platitudes from his position in centre midfield. Up front is the livewire forward from The Sun Eric 'The Hack' Webber. Although temperamental, Webber is capable of unleashing a barrage of effusive descriptions that may or may not have any kind of inherent meaning.

Many who were at the game will fondly remember his praise for Arsenal's Aaron Ramsey. "He's got hawk DNA!" yelled Webber, blowing away anyone who tried to comprehend what he was saying.

Media commentator on media commentary, Professor Julia Evincer of the University of Ersatz Academia said that these journalists were indeed on their way to being the biggest bunch of windbags in a generation. "We won't see their like again. Well, until next year."

Swine flu pandemic forces footballers to confront real life

The spread of swine flu amongst the Premier League's top teams is threatening to derail the rest of the football season with many of the league's top stars laid low after having to confront reality. The knock-on effect of catching the virus is that many of the players no longer have any hiding place from things that they thought only affected the poor. Peter Crouch, of Tottenham Hotspur, was in shock over the revelations. "This sort of thing does make you think, which I pay a lot of money to people so that they can do that for me."

Such is the impact that swine flu has made on footballers' consciousnesses that it has led to question every aspect of their existence. James Beattie, of Stoke City, spoke of the epiphany that he had recently undergone. "It was amazing. One morning I woke up and I suddenly realised that I had no idea of how to dress myself. Normally my eagle butler does that for me but ever since Mr. Tuttle has been put in quarantine, it's been a real struggle. If anybody does have any idea about to put clothes on, could you get in touch?"

The Premier League however is confident that footballers will soon be able to return to the bubble in which they live. A spokesman for the organisation said that measures have been taken to stop the spread of reality impacting on its members. From now on all football changing rooms are to sealed off from anyone who has tested positive for earning less than forty grand a week.

Beckham's man of the match award 'an affront to God'

Giving David Beckham the man of the match award for his performance against Belarus will surely bring about a wave of annihilation and pestilence of biblical proportions according to top football pundits. Floods, locusts and pillars of fire raining down upon the country from a great height are the best that the nation can hope for given the offence caused.

The award has invoked such an almighty furore that the only way for Western civilisation to save itself is to sacrifice Owen Hargreaves by burning him at the stake whilst Peter Crouch does his robot celebration to the tune of Will Young's cover of Light My Fire.

Jeff Powell, of the Daily You're Not From Around Here Are You? insisted that the award given to the man who had been kicking a football around a field should have gone to another man who had been kicking a football around a field for a bit longer and had probably done a bit better. Yet the man who had been kicking a football around a field and had done some good kicking had got the award instead. "It's a travesty," said Powell, "If we don't give the award to the right man kicking a ball around a field then where are we as a nation? I'll tell you where. The Island of Dung, that's where."

Steve Bruce, the man who has brought the almighty wrath of God upon the nation, defended his choice of player. "For me, David Beckham was the best kicker of the ball on the rectanglar piece of grass. I know Peter Crouch kicked the ball into the net twice but I just felt that David's kicking on the grass gave him the edge. So I'm sorry that we'll all burn in an almighty flood of fire and sulphur but I stand by my choice of good kicker."

A spokesperson for the Almighty confirmed that the Blessed Lord who is all-knowing, all-seeing and all-loving would have gone for Gareth Barry.

England ecstatic about being the next British team to lose in South Africa

On a warm September night, the English football team put their Euro 2008 heartache behind them to ensure they would be next in a long line of British sporting teams to be beaten by a overwhelming superior side in South Africa. Captain John Terry could not contain his delight at the prospect of joining the rugby and cricket teams that have had fallen before. "The Lions pioneered the tradition of glorious failure and the cricket team are about to run into the best team in the world right now. So it's spankings a go-go for them. We just hope we can emulate their complete lack of any kind of success." Double goal scorer Steven Gerrard also invited the nation to dream, saying, "This will basically be a cheap holiday for me and the wife."

Tabloid expectation is also simmering nicely, hopefully coming to the boil some time in June. Darren Sozzled, the chief football writer for The Daily You Ain't From Around Here, Are You? previews England's chances. "Basically, they're the perfect team. They've got everything covered in all areas. Well, apart from goalkeeper. And right back's a bit of an issue. Plus the two central defenders aren't what you'd call world class and are a bit of a liability against top teams. Plus we're reliant on one or two players and we've got a centre forward who is less reliable than a personal loan company fronted by Carol Vorderman. But other than that, we're pretty much there."

Chelsea left reliant on something called 'tactics'

The world of Chelsea Football Club has been turned upside down with the news that they are to be banned from splurging out monstrous sums equivalent to a Third World nation's debt. The ban is a result of encouraging a 17-year old youngster to break his contract on the promise of cheap cider and a go at steering Chairman Roman Abramovich's yacht. Head of recruitment Frank Arnesen was astounded by the news. "I honestly didn't think it was a bad thing to break a contract," said Arnesen, looking around nervously for any sign of Russian henchmen in the vicinity, "I've done it loads of times. Contracts are like houses. If you don't like them, set fire to them and walk away to a better one."

The ruling means that Chelsea are unable to buy any new players until 2011 leading to a massive drop in confidence within the squad. Training has been a nightmare with players confused as to how to win matches without spending £80,000 each time someone takes a corner. Head coach Carlo Ancelotti tells of his frustration at trying to get his instructions across. "I say to Frank Lampard 'Cross the ball into the box' and he says 'All right then. Fifty quid.' I try to explain to him that crossing is his job and he moans 'Can't we just buy someone to do instead? I'm tired.' Then there's Didier Drogba who keeps on missing the ball. I asked him why he was doing it and he just says 'I thought Cristiano Ronaldo was going to hit it.' I try to explain that Ronaldo doesn't play for us. He sighs and says 'Well then just buy him then.'"

Real Madrid Take The Lead In Pissing Away Money Contest

Real Madrid have surprised the rest of European soccer by pissing away nearly £140 million on two people who play football. The surprise move has helped Madrid establish a considerable lead in the annual pissing away money contest held amongst Europe’s football club elite.

However, rumours abound that Chelsea will also be pissing away an obscene amount on some blokes who can kick a ball about. As for other challengers, Manchester United cannot be ruled out of taking the kidney crown given the amount they now have to piss away themselves. Elsewhere, Liverpool will be struggling to match Madrid’s extraordinary gush whilst Arsenal will only be able to put together a modest piddle in this summer’s transfer season. Though a consistent pisser away of money, Real Madrid has found itself out-spritzed in recent times, but this year saw a positively incontinent return to form.

President Florentino Perez’ pissing away of £59 million on Brazilian Kaka and £80 million on Cristiano ‘Human Jenga’ Ronaldo was described as an almighty pissing away of money; twice shattering the amount that someone has slashed away on one single player. “It was a crazy amount,” said one onlooker, “Florentino was there for about twenty-two minutes. It was one of those where you have to prop yourself up against the wall, just to keep yourself from falling over.”

However, the sound now reverberating around Europe is that of Chelsea chairman Roman Abramovich unzipping his flies and getting set for potentially one of the biggest pissings away of money the world has ever seen.