Government to base its drugs policy on things overheard down the pub

Following the sacking of the government's chief drugs adviser, David Nutt, the Home Secretary Alan Johnson has announced that it will be formulating a new drugs policy based on hearsay, old wives' tales and a story about how some geezer took speed and got turned into a fire extinguisher.

Nutt was forced out of his job on Friday after insisting that facts be used as a guide to reality. "The man was a troublemaker from the start," said Johnson, "On my first day, I asked him to make me a hoverboard and an ice-cream maker in the shape of a lion's head. He said that he didn't do that sort of thing and I told that made him a pretty awful scientist."

Nutt was responsbile for a series of public relations disasters, such as insisting that taking ecstacy was less dangerous than horse riding. Top equestrian Erica Lotterby questioned the findings. "Horse riding is indeed dangerous as is taking ecstacy. However, if you combine the two, they actually cancel each other out. Because if you're on a horse and on ecstacy, you're likely to hold the horse closer to you because it's just so lovely."

Johnson has promised that he will no longer be reliant on the dogma of scientific fact and will be sticking to rehashing sensationalist bunkum from the red tops. "It's important that people don't take drugs," said Johnson, "the untaxed drugs of course. For instance, if you take cocaine, your whole body becomes like a giant whistle. Smoking marajuana makes your spine homesick and every time you take a tab of LSD, part of the Pacific Ocean is executed by lethal injection. Fact."

Stem Cell Sperm Hell

Newcastle is a city renowned for spunking money up the wall. It is either done by lager-swilling overeaters on teams full of overpriced football players, or, by the overpriced football players themselves in nightclubs that wouldn’t look out of place in Kabul. Following this trend, scientists at Newcastle University have this week achieved synergy, by creating human sperm cells from tiny bits of baby and then spunking that up the wall instead.

Currently only used for spilling on the trousers of colleagues in cruel practical jokes, the research team have promised that once they exhaust the humour value of throwing factory-fresh baby-gravy at their Lab assistant, they will find something useful to do with it. Honest. Like make an entire gender obsolete. Scientists have advised those tempted to play around with sperm that it does not in fact make an adequate replacement for hair gel. Professor Biker Grove gravely warned, “I was watching that There’s Something About Mary and thought that that bit with the sperm as hair gel might just work. It turns out that you just give yourself really smelly hair. This is the kind of serious research we’ve been conducting here.”

However, the recent breakthroughs in population-porridge studies have not been greeted with unqualified enthusiasm throughout the University. Hugh Chillblain, the head of the demographic ethics department struck a cautious note at the prospect of men becoming redundant, “Sure, everyone knows women are clearly the superior gender. Have you seen this month’s Razzle? But it’s these useless men competing against each other, to get their hands on totty, that have created all the trappings of civilization.

“Our projections have shown that a world without men would certainly be a more peaceful place, but we’ve also conclusively proven that within 3 years each household will need its own personal Ray Mears. And anyway what’s the point? It’s not like there’s a shortage of the stuff; my wife and I have three teenage sons, you know. The only thing we could use more of is shares in Persil.”