Nutt was forced out of his job on Friday after insisting that facts be used as a guide to reality. "The man was a troublemaker from the start," said Johnson, "On my first day, I asked him to make me a hoverboard and an ice-cream maker in the shape of a lion's head. He said that he didn't do that sort of thing and I told that made him a pretty awful scientist."
Nutt was responsbile for a series of public relations disasters, such as insisting that taking ecstacy was less dangerous than horse riding. Top equestrian Erica Lotterby questioned the findings. "Horse riding is indeed dangerous as is taking ecstacy. However, if you combine the two, they actually cancel each other out. Because if you're on a horse and on ecstacy, you're likely to hold the horse closer to you because it's just so lovely."
Johnson has promised that he will no longer be reliant on the dogma of scientific fact and will be sticking to rehashing sensationalist bunkum from the red tops. "It's important that people don't take drugs," said Johnson, "the untaxed drugs of course. For instance, if you take cocaine, your whole body becomes like a giant whistle. Smoking marajuana makes your spine homesick and every time you take a tab of LSD, part of the Pacific Ocean is executed by lethal injection. Fact."
