Sun’s fury over child’s letter to Santa

We are in the midst of Christmas season and children are beginning to beg Santa for presents. Some are wishing for X-Boxes, some are wishing for remote control cars and some are wishing that some politician would have the balls to have the conviction to enact social change in spite of corporate interests that stipulate that all of Western society must be born and remain as passive consumers who believe that forever purchasing commodities will provide some temporary happiness rather than having to develop any kind of adult faculties which are necessary to confront the desolate waste of existence, which previous civilisations have engaged with rather than going down the route of deluding itself with Ben Stiller movies.

But the whole nature of Christmas has been thrown into disrepair after the revelation of a child’s letter to Santa. The missive in question detailed the wishes to Santa but has been shown to be replete with mistakes. Father Christmas was dismayed at the lack of spelling and grammar in the letter sent to him. In a special report, the Sun newspaper reported the scandal as “Kidz Take Santa 4 A Wanka”. The letter which has been posted in the newspaper, reveals the level of ineptitude including such errors as “I waana ponee and sheeut.”

Editor of the Sun Dominic Lackey said, “We are doing are duty as highlighting the abuse that someone like Father Christmas suffers in a way that boosts our sales. No-one like Santa who helps all those that have been nice should ever have to suffer non-coverage in our paper.”

Father Christmas said, “She just got some spelling wrong, who gives a sheeut?”

Media hype over Arsenal's youngsters the best yet, say experts

A narrow 2-1 victory over Liverpool's reserves completed and the verdict is in. Those who saw the game all agree to a man that the media hype surrounding Arsenal's second XI could be one of the finest that the country has ever produced. Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger has urged fans not to get too excited about the hyperbole although he himself admits that the over-exaggeration of some young people kicking a ball around a field could go on to do great things.

"We've had some great knee-jerk reactions in the past," said Wenger, "and if you're going to blow smoke up someone's arse, you need time to develop that level of overblown copy. But I have to say that this sensationalism could surpass them all. I'm talking tabloid coverage of an England World Cup campaign here."

The reasons to get excited about the level of hot air are many. Examples include The Daily Telegraph's Bob Newby who is the heartbeat of the side, spraying out glib platitudes from his position in centre midfield. Up front is the livewire forward from The Sun Eric 'The Hack' Webber. Although temperamental, Webber is capable of unleashing a barrage of effusive descriptions that may or may not have any kind of inherent meaning.

Many who were at the game will fondly remember his praise for Arsenal's Aaron Ramsey. "He's got hawk DNA!" yelled Webber, blowing away anyone who tried to comprehend what he was saying.

Media commentator on media commentary, Professor Julia Evincer of the University of Ersatz Academia said that these journalists were indeed on their way to being the biggest bunch of windbags in a generation. "We won't see their like again. Well, until next year."

Bandwagon jumper jumps on the bandwagon of bandwagon jumper

The Sun newspaper has come out in favour of Conservative leader David Cameron as well as Manchester United, cute puppies and Keeley Hazell. The editor of the paper, Dominic Monahan, explained the decision to back the Tories was based on the fact taht their leader was as shallow and superficial as The Sun. "He'll do anything for a vote like we'll do anything for a sale. Buy tomorrow's paper for a free DVD about how to get a cheap holiday with guaranteed Premiership footballers' tits."

The Sun has a history of backing winners in general elections although it is notoriously cautious when giving its endorsement. It only came out for Tony Blair just six weeks before the 1997 election and was cagey on Robert Mugabe's chances of getting re-elected last year. The previous editor of the paper, Rebekah Wade, famously ummed and ahed before coming out with the headline 'Mugabe: he's not torturing that many!"

However, the Sun has got it wrong on one occasion. Its endorsement of F.W. de Klerk over Nelson Mandela in the 1994 South African general election was one of the biggest editorial gaffes of all time. Mike Hack, political editor of the paper at the time, gave his reasons for his support of the leader of the racist National Party. "I just thought he had the mood of the people."

Murdoch to make serial masturbators pay for content

Media tycoon Rupert Murdoch is used to being a revolutionary force within media, constantly pushing boundaries and jumping up and down on standards until they are lower than anyone ever thought possible. He was the first person to come up with the ingenious combination of sensationalist, poorly researched journalism with soft-core pornography. He has copied this model across the world and is only seconded by Richard Desmond whose own collection of publications includes Asian Babes, Indo-European Sluts and Marine Biologists In The Nip.

Murdoch has taken the step of charging his readers for the content that can be found in his array of titles. “High quality journalism isn’t cheap,” said Murdoch, “so we’ve abandoned that and put together shots of birds in the altogether with some stuff about bogus asylum seekers eating swans.” The tariffs for the sites are yet to be announced but is expected to use a system dependent on the number of bums and nipples viewed. Media analyst Tony Ferret said, “We expect that one pound gets you either ten nipples, thirty bums or eighty thousand pieces of political analysis. Of course, I expect you’ll be able to mix and match.”

However, onanists across the world are up in arms about the move. “I can’t believe that they’re doing this,” said Gary Trimble, speaking to The Chum Bucket on what sounded like a hands-free telephone. “The Sun has always been the best newspaper to beat off to. The ones in the Star always look grumpy and don’t get me started about the Daily Sport. Oh, oh, yes, yes that's right. And I’m done.” However, Murdoch has defended his decision, saying, “Do you know how many years’ training it takes to be able to get those up the skirt shots? It’s an art I’m telling you, an art.”

Immigrants must show that they can put up with the Sun

According to government sources, people applying for immigrant status in future will have to demonstrate a wide-ranging acceptance of British values such as queuing, a penchant for glorious failure in sport and a tolerance for self-righteous, rabble-rousing, piss-poor journalism. Immigration minister Phil Woolas confirmed that stringent measures would be taken to ensure that those coming to live in the United Kingdom adhere to British customs including sneering at one’s neighbours and obsessing over house prices.

The new system will be a points-based system with greater rewards given for those who can demonstrate extra proficiency at mastering the English language. Classes will be given and those that have already attended have shown the progress that can be made. Lebanese hopeful Roda Khan said, “I never knew there were so many words to insult women but now I have learned them all. Now as you say in your language, get the fahk out of my face or I is gawn to merk you blood. Is this right?”

New migrants will also be sent on compulsory orientation days in which they will be taught about British history and social customs. However, the project has been criticised for giving a skewed take on British history due to a lack of funds. One example was a recreation of the invasion of the Spanish Armada which featured a gang of hoodies setting fire to a Nando’s. One onlooker was appalled. “It’s just completely unacceptable. I mean, everyone knows that Nando’s is Portugese.”

News of the World shamefaced as phone tapping still results in crap stories

The News of the World is coming under increasing pressure to explain its continued output of bunkum, despite having access to prominent people’s phone calls. Though the newspaper had tapped into the phones of John Prescott, Elle MacPherson, Gordon Taylor and other public figures, they were only been able to come up with such “exclusives” as “Prescott: My Pie Hell” and “Boobs are nice”. Journalist Mike Hack offered an apology to the newspaper’s readers, insisting that they had deserved more given the illegal underhand tactics used. “You would’ve expected us to come up with some really juicy stuff given that we’ve been invading privacy like British tourists invade the Costa del Sol. But we’ve failed. We’re a disgrace to lowlife journoscum.”

The scheme perpetrated by the newspaper could potentially involve hundreds of ministers, celebrities and other officials. One such person being Boris Johnson who posed numerous problems for those listening in on his phone calls. An anonymous reporter described his difficulties at trying to understand what the hell the Mayor of London was saying. “It took him about an hour just to complete a sentence. It was full of ‘Y’know’s’ and ‘Ah, looks like I’ve got myself into a bit of a tither here.’

“I ended up shouting ‘Just try and go two seconds without saying Gosh!’ down the line. He overheard me and was a bit shocked at what I was up to. Thankfully I had my wits about me and reassured him it was just a crossed line, and he carried on oblivious about owing somebody called Asclepius a bit of cock action. But this turned out to be not quite as juicy as we had initially hoped.”

Another public figure outraged at the scandal is Lewis Hamilton, who is furious that his phone calls are not being tapped in any way whatsoever. “Look, I’m a celebrity, the Formula One world champion and have got the second fittest bird in the Pussycat Dolls for a girlfriend,” moaned Hamilton, “Why don’t people want to listen to what I’ve got to say?” Asked to explain their omission, the News of the World replied, “’Cos Hamilton is just such a boring wankstain. Fact.”