Fans of Twilight warned that not all vampires are pussies

With the release of the new vampire film Twilight, teenagers are being warned that not all creatures of the undead are limp-wristed, pale-faced wimps who collect flower petals and cry at sunsets. Experts foresee an entire generation growing up with the notion that vampires and werewolves are just misunderstood pansies who prefer going clothes shopping to defiling young virgins.

Fantasy expert Nigel Plummer said, "Twilight promotes the notion that the most fiercesome and brutal creatures are kind, considerate people. The sort who spend hours on the phone, going 'You hang up, no, you hang up,' But that just isn't it the case. The truth is that they would rather be kicking down your door and sucking you drier than a HSBC pension fund."

The Twlight saga has been praised for its portrayal of the dilemmas that most teenagers face. And then slammed for doing it with such bad writing. Writing expert Anna Liverman gave her opinion of the book. "It reads like a drunk trying to give road directions to a town in Wales."

There has also been considerable upset amongst the werewolf and vampire community over their portrayal in the film. The ire is due to them being depicted as weepy drips who use their muscled bodies to help grannies across the road and collect litter in parks. One vampire spoke out against the film, saying, "I'm a loathsome creature of the night. I'm evil, I'm despicable and I feast on the blood of the young. But now the wife has seen New Moon I'm expected to take her out for dinner and go shopping at Topman."

Trafalgar Square plinth breaks barrier of a million shouts of "Prick!"

It happened at 3:29 this morning. Derek Combes, a video clerk from Hounslow who had been on the lash in celebration of his friend's eleventh divorce in six years, was walking through Trafalgar Square. Up on the plinth was Eric Potter, an amateur magician from Rickmansworth as part of the 'Aren't Common People Interesting Too?' installation by Anthony Gormley. Eric's allotted hour had not been going well. The doves he had intended to release had already been eaten by the pigeons and his card trick had been a failure due someone taking fifteen minutes to overcome the twenty foot drop between the plinth and the ground to "take a card, any card."

It was at this point that Combes made his own inadvertent piece of history. Casually walking by he happened to look up and see Potter's attempts to make a hat disappear. The botched job meant that the only missing item was Potter's dignity. Expressing his contempt for the entire operation, Combes emitted the millionth "Prick!" delivered at the performers on the plinth. To mark this piece of history, a firework display was unleashed and a thousand doves took to the sky to spell out PRICK in synchronised formation.

Chief curator of the installation, Michael Billingham, was delighted to have reached the million prick mark. "We've had a phenomenal response from the general public. They've been really imaginative with their choice of insults. We had four thousand 'arseholes' on the first day alone, we're about to cross the one hundred thousand 'twat' line and it's been another bumper day for 'turdlicker'."

Republicans to thwart Obama’s health plans by showing clips of Eastenders

It is the debate that it is dividing America into two separate camps. One side is trying to establish a healthcare system for all whilst the other side see this as the vilest incarnation of socialism since Bill Clinton’s Equal Opportunities for Interns programme of the Nineties. As usual, the issue is being debated on the airwaves and on national television with scaremongering adverts showing the potential dangers of using socialised medicine. One campaign shows Shane McGowan singing and features the tagline ‘Is This What You Want For Your Children?’

However, it is the use of clips of the popular soap opera Eastenders that has stirred up the most debate amongst Americans. Those against Obama’s healthcare plans say that the people featured in the programme are the perfect example of how socialised medicine fails to treat the most hideous of injuries. Chuck Beasley said, “This Ian Beale guy, he’s clearly been in a car accident. The treatment he got means that he can’t talk right and his face is still a complete mess. Then there’s Alfie Moon, that guy must have taken a lot of blows to the head that have gone completely untreated. He looks like a monkey who’s constantly surprised.”

Other notable British have been targeted by the American right to support their cause of the dangers of socialised medicine. Peter Crouch, Chris Moyles and Jeremy Clarkson have all been pinpointed on the assumption that they have had bad experiences with the NHS rather than just being plain ugly. Wesley Pinchmore, a lobbyist for a health insurance firm said, “I mean no disrespect to the Queen but she looks like she’s been throttled by a horse.”

Suu Kyi: It’s a fair cop

Burma has announced to the world that it can now sleep easy at night thanks to the capture of notorious criminal Aung San Suu Kyi. The former leader was tracked down and arrested for failing to stay in her house, the place where she has been kept for the past fourteen years. Suu Kyi handed herself over but was unrepentant about her crimes of violating her house arrest whilst remaining in her house. “Do you think you keep me outside?” she said, being dragged away back to her house, “I’ve stayed inside this house for years and I can stay inside for plenty more. They haven’t built the house that can keep me from not breaking out whatsoever.”

The arrest comes after one of the biggest manhunts in Burma’s history. Dogs, helicopters and speedboats were all used as the search for Suu Kyi went on for months. It was only after the police received an anonymous tip-off that she was finally brought to justice. Police chief Than Anan revealed that Suu Kyi made the fatal mistake of coming out in public. “It was your classic criminal error,” said Anan, “coming out of your house and telling some utter cretin to stop swimming across a lake into your house.”

Suu Kyi is said to be adjusting well to her new life in prison. She has even started a gang which dominates the prison yard although numbers are said to be low. Given that she will in place for a considerable amount of time, she is making the most of her new and familiar surroundings. “Yeah, I know all the screws in this place,” said Kyi, “slip them a couple of smokes and they’re no trouble at all.”

Brown: “We Are Sorry For Getting Caught”

Prime Minister Gordon Brown apologised on behalf of all politicians today, for the row over expenses; claiming that it was never their intention for anyone to find out. The apology has been triggered by the revelation of MPs claims in several newspapers, detailing the level of gorging that has been going on for years. “It was an honest mistake,” said Brown, “a mistake that was made hundreds and hundreds of times, over and over again, with no intention of trying to correct the procedure that meant this mistake couldn’t be stopped from happening again.”

The apology follows on from the expenses claims made by members of parliament for seemingly trivial items. Cheryl Gillian, the shadow Welsh secretary claimed for dog food, a dog collar, visits to the vet in order to treat her sick dog and a kennel in to house her dog in. Cheryl Gillian does not have a dog. Speaking inside her newly renovated house, Gillian confirmed that she would be paying the money back, although this would then be claimed back in expenses.

Other politicians include Michael Gove who claimed £5,000 for “stuff and shit”. Asked what was entailed in this particular claim, Gove replied, “You know, like, stuff, stuff stuff. Stuff you need and shit. Just stuff and all that kind of stuff. Listen, I’m keeping the money. Cameron claims a fiver a day for ‘his magic fingers’, whatever the hell that means. Why can’t I get in on some of that action?” Gordon Brown went on to say that he would be regulating the expenses system so that it would be harder to find out about these sorts of details in future.