The Daily Mail to accept 50% cut in outrage

The Daily Mail has announced that it will be reducing its sense of self-righteousness and moral grand-standing by half. Editor of the paper, Paul Dacre said, "We like to think that we are line with public thinking and also, we're not going to allow that bastard Jonathan Ross to get one up on us." The move has been prompted by Ross's new deal with the BBC with both sides agreeing that he could be replaced by a bunch of schoolkids who knew how to come up with clever twists on the idea of two people having sexual intercourse.

The new regime at the Daily Mail will feature old favourites such as European bureaucrats, house prices and everything causing cancer but done in a much more restrained way. Columnist Richard Littlejohn was one quick to adopt to the new methods. "It's an absolute disgrace," said Littlejohn, "it's all a bunch of jobsworths telling us what we can and can't do. You couldn't make it up. Although I did saw a rainbow today and it made my heart swell with love. I skipped down the street and hugged a tree." A spokesperson for the paper did confirm that it still viewed single mothers as scum.

Millions expected to watch Question Time pantomime special

The BBC is looking forward to bumper viewing figures ahead of its Question Time pantomime special. Normally home to plodding political debate, this week's programme will tell the story of evil BNP leader Nick Griffin and his quest to steal a magic lamp from a sleeping beauty giant with a magic beanstalk. In boots. The programme will have the familiar interactive element with the audience able to boo every time Griffin says, "Now I'm not a racist but...', to which the audience will shout, "Oh yes you are!"

Other roles include Jack Straw who will play a brave but feeble-minded prince whilst his floundering and even more feeble-minded sidekick will feature Liberal Democrat Home Affairs spokesman Chris Huhne.

The roles of the Aesthetically-challenged Sisters will be taken by Bonnie Greer and Baronness Warsi. Veteran broadcaster David Dimbleby will take up the role of Buttons, the lovable scamp who will finish the night with a song.

A BBC insider said, "We're really excited about this. We're getting candy floss, toffee apples and everything. Some might say that this just shows how pathetic mainstream politics has become, that we're reduced to some childish bantering backwards and forwards without actually discussing the vital issues of the day. But those people I would say this, there's fricking candy floss!"

There has been a fair amount of controversy over Griffin's appearance but the BNP leader seems unfazed by it all. "Listen darling," said Griffin, "I've been in this game for a long time and I've seen it all. I've had eggs thrown at me, been jeered and do you know what, I've loved every minute of it. That's what it's all about, getting a rise out of people. You don't think I believe all that stuff about racial segregation do you? It's a laugh darling, I'll do a little goose step, casually drop in a reference to Oswald Moseley and make a joke about wearing a brown shirt. It's all giggles luvvie, just giggles."

One person working on the programme who asked to remain anonymous said, "This is a f**king travesty."

Bandwagon jumper jumps on the bandwagon of bandwagon jumper

The Sun newspaper has come out in favour of Conservative leader David Cameron as well as Manchester United, cute puppies and Keeley Hazell. The editor of the paper, Dominic Monahan, explained the decision to back the Tories was based on the fact taht their leader was as shallow and superficial as The Sun. "He'll do anything for a vote like we'll do anything for a sale. Buy tomorrow's paper for a free DVD about how to get a cheap holiday with guaranteed Premiership footballers' tits."

The Sun has a history of backing winners in general elections although it is notoriously cautious when giving its endorsement. It only came out for Tony Blair just six weeks before the 1997 election and was cagey on Robert Mugabe's chances of getting re-elected last year. The previous editor of the paper, Rebekah Wade, famously ummed and ahed before coming out with the headline 'Mugabe: he's not torturing that many!"

However, the Sun has got it wrong on one occasion. Its endorsement of F.W. de Klerk over Nelson Mandela in the 1994 South African general election was one of the biggest editorial gaffes of all time. Mike Hack, political editor of the paper at the time, gave his reasons for his support of the leader of the racist National Party. "I just thought he had the mood of the people."

BNP success due to ‘dickhead vote’ claim

In picking up two seats in the European elections, the British National Party have been the fortunate recipients of what experts have termed the ‘dickhead vote’. This is a phenomenon where an economic downturn combines with disillusionment with mainstream politics to turn people into right twerps. Professor Alan McGregor of the University of Ersatz Academia explains why so many people came to vote BNP. “What happens in these situations is that people’s anger and bitterness become so great as to turn off the part of the brain that stops you being a dickhead. You know, the part of the brain that stops you from getting tattoos and talking about ringtones. What a bunch of pricks.”

One such prat was Thomas Johnson. His decision was based on the fact that he thought he was making a protest vote. “I was really sticking it to the political process, you know what I mean? I went in there and do you know what I did? I completely participated in the political process. Yeah! Stick that up your arse politics. Oh wait. You know what I’ve gone and done? I’ve only gone and been a complete dickhead. What was I thinking? A protest? Standing in front of tanks in Tiananmen Square, that’s a protest. Voting for a barely coherent bunch of thugs? That’s being a complete and utter div!”

Part of the BNP’s appeal is said to be that they claim they are protecting the rights of Britain’s indigenous people, a move welcomed by druids, sprites and those that make merry in glades and copses. One of the BNP’s supporters, a pig rustler named Ug Crint explained his reasons. “It’s about time someone spoke up for us. I mean, those dragons, they come over here and take our princesses. But it not be politically correct to make conversation pertaining to these deeds. I don’t know, it’s the feudal system gone mad.”