The Daily Mail to accept 50% cut in outrage

The Daily Mail has announced that it will be reducing its sense of self-righteousness and moral grand-standing by half. Editor of the paper, Paul Dacre said, "We like to think that we are line with public thinking and also, we're not going to allow that bastard Jonathan Ross to get one up on us." The move has been prompted by Ross's new deal with the BBC with both sides agreeing that he could be replaced by a bunch of schoolkids who knew how to come up with clever twists on the idea of two people having sexual intercourse.

The new regime at the Daily Mail will feature old favourites such as European bureaucrats, house prices and everything causing cancer but done in a much more restrained way. Columnist Richard Littlejohn was one quick to adopt to the new methods. "It's an absolute disgrace," said Littlejohn, "it's all a bunch of jobsworths telling us what we can and can't do. You couldn't make it up. Although I did saw a rainbow today and it made my heart swell with love. I skipped down the street and hugged a tree." A spokesperson for the paper did confirm that it still viewed single mothers as scum.