January
Celebrity Big Brother faces ruin as the lack of any viewers means that no contestants are voted out for the first eight weeks. The entire nation is too busy working overtime to pay off their credit card debts whilst the core audience of unemployed sociopaths find more enjoyment in staring at a puddle.
February
Sick of being lambasted for trying to save the planet in his private jet, Sting leaves Earth to try and save Mars. "It's a desolate wasteground now," says Sting, "but with a lick of paint and some Mongolian folk music, we should be able to turn it around." He spends eight months trying to fix the planet but his efforts are in ruins after a NASA probe finds no signs of intelligent life.
March
The world is taken hostage after Eddie Murphy threatens to release more films. Despite the global recession, nations scramble around to meet the ransom. This stops Murphy from appearing in a British comedy with Horne and Corden, a combination scientists claim would have been the perfect storm of crap cinema.
April
Not only is Michael Owen left of England's World Cup squad, he is left out of his own house. Owen is determined to force his way back but breaks both legs whilst trying to put the key in the lock. "I'm not a quitter," says Owen, "although if it goes on much longer, I'll just buy another house."
May
Gordon Brown's attempt to call a general election fails. The Prime Minister dials the wrong number five times before throwing the phone at the wall. British law states that in the absence of a general election, the next Prime Minister must be a member of parliament who can show integrity and conviction. Due to the lack of any candidates, the country is ruled by mice.
June
Andy Murray is thrown out of Wimbledon after complaints over his excessive shouting. After winning every point, Murray is heard to be exclaiming, "You may break my service but you'll never take my freedom!"
July
England are knocked out of the World Cup after a last minute goal consigns them to an 8-0 defeat against Brazil. The Sun reacts with a headline of "Kill All Gypsies!"
August
A nationwide heatwave leads to Sharon Osbourne's face melting. Steve Lamacq promises to provide water to any home who can remember what he does.
September
David Cameron takes over the country with swift and crushing coup d'etat against the ruling mice. "I can't believe it's taken us this long to realise that they are an inch in size." Most of the mice are kept on in administrative capacities.
October
Katie Price kidnaps the Pope in order to hold onto her dwindling fame. When this doesn't work after the Pope magics himself away, Price changes her name to "Cure for AIDS." The AIDS virus sues for bringing its name into disrepute.
November
The climate change conference in Oslo is successful. All of the countries' leaders sign a binding agreement that they will turn up to a climate change conference next year.
December
The X-Factor is once again denied the number one slot at Christmas. An internet campaign succeeds in getting NWA's 'Fuck Tha Police' to the top spot. Cowell is magnanimous in defeat, "Fair play to them, it's a great record and the market for crap schmalz has run its course." The X-Factor winner is then put down.
