Travel chaos reeks havoc with Britain's doggers

The large amounts of snow and ice on Britain's roads have made life hell for the British public. The dangerous weather conditions have made life precarious for those looking to get to relatives, those delivering presents and those spazzing off to people banging each other in cars. Britian's doggers are facing numerous problems over the festive period such as traffic jams, black ice and frostbite of the knackers.

Experienced dogger Mike Turner recalls one such incident. "We were watching a couple going at it in a layby near the turn-off for the M6. This was classic dogging. It was bloody cold but everyone was getting into it. I was on the bonnet looking in when I realised that my ballbag had got frozen onto the windscreen. I had to tap on the window and ask if the couple had any de-icer. They didn't. In the end, I had to chip it off with a credit card."

Mr. Turner's ill-fortune is symptomatic of the luck befalling those who get off from watching gang bangs in trucks. Police constable Trevor Gibbs reports on the trouble doggers have got themselves into. "We had a man who was simply trying to get some sleep in a car park after a long journey. Suddenly he is confronted by the sight of tens of people dropping their trousers and rubbing themselves up agaisnt the car. When he explained his situation, I'm told that there were tears. Angry, angry tears."

Tiger Woods' midlife crisis as boring as expected

The current scandal surrounding golfer Tiger Woods is exactly as dull as expected, claim experts. Woods has been involved in a minor car outside his house and is currently denying having affairs with two women who are both just averagely good looking. Relationship expert Ruth Varnish gave her opinion on the tedious shenanigans. "When most men hit their mid-thirties, they go a phase of worrying that they have lost their youth. They do things like buy fast cars, date younger women and do stuff like bungee jumping. What we're seeing from Woods is basically a really boring version of this."

Woods has always maintained a steady lifestyle. His idea of danger is not washing an apple before he eats it. And his moderate manner of messing up is entirely in keeping with his public image, something that his fans appreciate. Eric Newby, a golfing fan from Salt Lake City, said, "I went through a similar phase myself when I hit thirty-six. I just felt that I had lost my vigour and so I went on an eight day meths bender, during which time I destroyed two acres worth of corn and danced naked at an ice hockey game, inviting the players to shove the puck where the sun don't shine.

"I also put two bishops in hospital and ended up becoming a chief of a lost Amazonian tribe. So to see Tiger just crash his car and get off with two women who are both about a seven, it makes you feel good about the world."

Nurses to be patronised to degree level

A radical new shake up of Britain’s nursing system means that any doctor wishing to patronise a nurse with either “Sweetheart”, “Honeycheeks” or “Saucy thighs” will have to add the suffix “BA (Hons)” at the end. The new regulations also mean that nurses can no longer be chased around hospital wards to the sounds of the Benny Hill theme tune.

Chief of nursing Deborah Barnhart praised the new levels of professionalism. “I’m delighted about the advances that are being made. I gather that in the new Carry on film, Carry On Administering Care Whilst Appreciating the Financial Constraints Under Which the NHS is Operating, the Kenneth Williams stand-in will exclaim such things as ‘Oh Matron, I say, that's a bit of a big one. By one I mean the funding for your MPhil.’”

The heightened stringency of the new regulations has filtered down to the wards with patients getting used to the new levels of professionalism. Nurse Beth Cartwright told her story about her experiences. “I had one chap, an elderly gentleman, who I was tending to. I turned around and felt him slap me on the bum. I turned back and he said, ‘Nice thesis darling. I thought your examination of the effect of improved food production in post-industrial Britain on infant mortality rates was smashing.’ I smiled, turned away and then withdrew his sodium drip when he wasn’t looking. He completely missed the point of my paper.”

Ryanair passengers to power their own flights

He has proposed a charge for using the toilet, a tax on those that cannot avoid stuffing their mouth with chips and asks for money for the simple task of checking in. Now Ryanair boss Michael O'Leary has unveiled his lastest plan for annoying every other single airline on the planet. From next year, Ryanair passengers will be allowed to remain in their seats or be able to take advantage of a discount and power their flight through an extensive session on a treadmill.

O'Leary defended the proposed venture saying, "Have you seen the price of fuel these days? It's ridiculous. And you see all these people on the plane, just sitting there, not doing a fecking thing apart from reading or desperately holding on whilst the only toilet is in use.

"I thought to myself, the plane's doing all the work here. These lazy feckers are having the time of the lives, buying crappy sandwiches and paying over the odds for drinks. Let's get 'em working."

Trial runs of the new scheme have already been tried with some success. Around one hundred and forty people were able to give a Boeing 747 a jump start and the galleys that keep the wings flapping have been operating at near full efficiency.

Less successful have been the attempts to replace the breaking devices with people holding their hands against the ground as they try and bring the plane to a stop. One passenger Edward Bridges told of his attempts to scrimp money back. "I was one of the people trying to make the plane skid to a halt by dragging my feet outside the window. But all we ended up doing was crashing into the terminal and taking several layers of skin off my hand. But I did save thirty quid. Nice one!"

Police and protesters to compromise on degree of beatings

New guidelines have been recommended for future protests so that those participating will know in advance about the leathering they are about to take from the police. The move is being undertaken in the wake of the G20 protests. The violence that erupted brought antagonism about the tactics that the police used which included kettling, excessive beatings and death being meted out. The report into the police tactics praised the police's conduct although did make the recommendation that less death should be used in future. Justice Haversham who oversaw the inquiry insisted that death should only used as a last resort.

Therefore in future, protesters and police will meet before any sort of protest to discuss the range of punishments open to those with a cause. Edward Tunton of the Stop Climate Change Coalition revealed the bartering process now in operation. “I went to the police station and said that I wanted to organise a protest, very peaceful and with no radical fringe groups present. And the policeman said 'Right, how's about a couple of kicks to the old nutsack?' I said I just wanted to protest and make my views clear but he wasn't having it. He said the lowest amount he could come down to was duffing me up with his baton. Eventually we settled on a couple of wallops to the noggin and a kick up the arse.”