England ecstatic about being the next British team to lose in South Africa

On a warm September night, the English football team put their Euro 2008 heartache behind them to ensure they would be next in a long line of British sporting teams to be beaten by a overwhelming superior side in South Africa. Captain John Terry could not contain his delight at the prospect of joining the rugby and cricket teams that have had fallen before. "The Lions pioneered the tradition of glorious failure and the cricket team are about to run into the best team in the world right now. So it's spankings a go-go for them. We just hope we can emulate their complete lack of any kind of success." Double goal scorer Steven Gerrard also invited the nation to dream, saying, "This will basically be a cheap holiday for me and the wife."

Tabloid expectation is also simmering nicely, hopefully coming to the boil some time in June. Darren Sozzled, the chief football writer for The Daily You Ain't From Around Here, Are You? previews England's chances. "Basically, they're the perfect team. They've got everything covered in all areas. Well, apart from goalkeeper. And right back's a bit of an issue. Plus the two central defenders aren't what you'd call world class and are a bit of a liability against top teams. Plus we're reliant on one or two players and we've got a centre forward who is less reliable than a personal loan company fronted by Carol Vorderman. But other than that, we're pretty much there."

Eriksson takes job as Notts County toilet cleaner

Amongst the huge transfers taking place in the football world this summer, one deal has outdone them all. Notts County have appointed former England boss Sven Goran Eriksson to clean their latrines for the coming season. However, at his unveiling at the League Two club, Eriksson appeared to be a little confused at his role at the club. “I don’t think I will be cleaning any toilets at all. I am the director of football and my aim is to take this club into the Premiership.” Notts County chairman Peter Trembling was keen to puncture Eriksson’s enthusiasm. “The Premiership? You’ve got more chance of unblocking the U-bend in the gents. Speaking of which, here’s some gloves and a mop.” Asked about the financial risk that a big hitter like Eriksson brings, Trembling replied, "Yeah sure, he's got a some end-of contract pay out clause but you should see the shine he gets on that shower head."

The transfer is one in an increasing trend as the world recession bites into the corpulent and bloated flesh of football. Professionals previously at the top of their game now have to look for alternative employment as the cash dries up. Former Newcastle and Fulham boss Kevin Keegan is now learning to train seals at the Kings Lynn Water Park. “I’ve come here with a point to prove,” said Keegan. “People think that you can’t train seals to do much but I’ll tell you right now, I would love it, I would love it if Benji can jump through that hoop and eat the fish, I would love it.”

Back at Notts County, Eriksson has been immersing himself in his new duties. “I’ve got so much on here, it is really exciting. At first I was hoping to take charge of the football academy and oversee transfers. Then they told me that they had much more ambitious plans for me. Apparently the showers are backed up with huge lumps of hair and they need me to get in there and reach it all out.” Asked whether this was a step down in terms of his career, Eriksson replied, “It could be worse, I could be employed at Newcastle.”

Manchester United latest club to fall for Owen swindle

The football world is in shock after learning that Manchester United are the latest in a long line of clubs to fall for one of the oldest tricks in the book: signing Michael Owen. The Police Fraud Office have frequently warned clubs about handing over money to the 29 year-old, on account of his habit of taking the money and then lying on the floor for three years saying, “I’ve got a sore everything.” One such victim, a Mr. Ashley of Newcastle, recalls, “He said he would score so many goals that it would be an affront to God. But it turned out all we got was an affront to the concept of hard work and money being properly earned.”

The complicated confidence scam involves Owen turning up at a football club’s gift shop and getting a shirt printed with his name on the back. Wearing this, he will wander around until someone recognises him as “that bloke what scored that amazing goal against the Argies in ’98.” It is then only a matter of time before a director assumes that he is already playing for their club, and ends up handing over a new contract to the tune of £100,000 a week. Rumours abound that Owen learned this technique off his old Liverpool teammate Robbie Fowler.

Owen himself, however, is very pleased with his new set of surroundings. “It really is the pinnacle of any player’s career to be injured at Manchester United. They have had so many great players and I really am very excited about looking at their pictures on the wall whilst I’m getting treatment for chapped lips.” Asked to reassure his new fans about his long-term fitness, Owen said, “Er, yeah, sure. Why not? I’m getting a prosthetic foot after the last one dropped off. But once that’s glued on, who knows?”

Murray on verge of historic disappointment

After fluffing the nation’s expectations with his 3-set victory over some bloke the UK had never heard of, Andy Murray stands on the verge of cementing his place in Wimbledon history. The formidable Scotsman appears all set to be the next in a long line of British tennis players to make the Wimbledon Semi-finals, only to flap around like a sloth with Downs. Many experts are suggesting this will be the most outstanding display of disappointment since that Thai chick you took home turned out to be a bloke.

Mike Burnley, a gobby fair-weather fan amongst the ticket-dodgers stationed on the Wimbledon Hill, dug into his annual reserves of tennis expertise and came up with the following piece of analysis: “For me, this is really showing us a glimpse of the great player he has become. Any Brit player can just crash out in the early rounds, but look at how Andy’s built up our hopes. He even found spectacular form in the tournaments preceding this one, to consolidate this whole façade of brilliance.

“With Tim, our disappointments felt so cheap, you never truly thought that he’d actually go the distance. But Murray, well, he’s got everyone really believing he can win. So his 3-set tonking at the hands of some greasy Yank will be an absolute corker of a let-down. I’m gonna have to get some Xanax on stand-by.”

Previous scourge of the Nation’s hopes and dreams, Tim Henman, was reticent about the Scot’s chances in the tournament’s later stages, commenting, “Yeah… he’s alright, s’pose.” The boring Hugh Grant wannabe then added, “I know everyone’s saying he could be on the verge of making history, but what is history anyway apart from, ‘this one time, this guy, did some stuff’? Still it’ll probably beat the thrill of watching one of those fat retards win 50p on that Deal or No Deal. It’s just picking boxes at random for Christ’s sake.”

Flintoff no “drunken hobo” assures Strauss

With all the excitement of The Ashes series set for an imminent return to these shores, our cricketing correspondent, Reg Yorker, reports on an increasing sense of unease within the home team’s camp.

England captain Andrew Strauss has been unequivocal in his eagerness to scotch rumours that the Cricketing all-rounder, and all-round good egg, Freddie Flintoff, is destined for a life dancing the Macarena at night-bus stops at four in the morning. Concern had been growing over Flintoff’s future after he was spotted stuffing his personal effects into plastic bags and leering at women from a park bench in Doncaster while reeking of Special Brew. He was also reprimanded for missing the coach to Normandy for a D-Day commemorative event. Having staggered in six hours late to find Strauss addressing a group of veterans he was heard to say, “I love you soldier guys, you’re all sooo awesome. Who’s the daddy? You’re the daddy. Who’s the daddy? You’re the daddy. Who’s the daddy? I’M THE F*CKIN’ DADDY! None of you can bat for shit.” before collapsing.

This isn’t the first time that Flintoff has got into hot water over his affinity for the falling down water. In 2007 he sank Mick Jagger’s yacht after ramming it repeatedly with a pedalo, a stunt which lost him the vice-captaincy. He was also rumoured to have turned up to training sessions for the 06/07 Ashes series still “steaming boats,” the result was a 5-0 defeat and most of the batting order losing their testicles to the Australian bowling attack. One teammate reported seeing Flintoff turn up at the WACA Ground with a case of champagne, two crates of bitter and a small jar of glacé cherries, shouting “Look lads, we’re going to lose anyway, let’s just have a bit of a party. Eh?”

However, the England captain has gone out of his way to calm the concerns of those who fear Flintoff will be the target of concerted Australian sledging. There is talk that the Aussies plan to get Flintoff out by putting a cheeky Stella Artois on a good length just outside his off-stump: which might prove irresistible. But England’s training has been actively geared to eliminating this kind of threat. Strauss has revealed that England’s fast bowlers have been bombarding Flintoff with full length shooters and in-swinging pitchers of San Miguel. “It’s been going really well,” said Strauss, “although he did get caught behind off a large nick from a pitched-up double of Bells.”

Flintoff himself was keen to put worries over his dipsomania to rest, by attending a press conference once he had risen from his slumbers beneath the team bus. Steadying himself with an arm around the nearest reporter, and speaking into his shoulder, he announced, “Look… if ai can shee off twenny-foor cans of that aussie-pish Fosters in a morning, I’ll have no worries with this bunch of pansies on the pitch, so shuddup.”

“Of course,” he added, “this could jus’ be the booze talkin’.”

GRANITE: Decapitation “too good” for the likes of Burger

It's another game and another defeat for The British and Irish Lions. Once again The Chum Bucket asked former Durham Daredevils fly-half and established Sky Sports News commentator Reg Granite to give his verdict on the match; and to ask whether The Lions have a future as a touring team.

The Chum Bucket: It's another case of heartbreak for the Lions, losing the series with the last kick of the game. How are they going to cope with yet another Test Series defeat?

Reg Granite: Defeat is an ugly thing. It gnaws at you, you keep thinking about the mistakes you’ve made and the teammates you've let down. But you mustn’t get disheartened. You have to pick yourself up, get out onto the field, and do the same things all over again.

TCB: It certainly was a physical match, with the Springboks’ intentions apparent right from the start.

GRANITE: It was a damn disgrace what Burger did. There are some things you just don’t do on a rugby field. Throwing a punch, a boot to the ballbag, or a carefully concealed sock full of pool balls to the head? These are all part of the game; and I’ve got a sock full of pool balls for anyone who says any different. But what Burger did was a travesty.

TCB: Should he be banned?

GRANITE: He should be given hard labour and have his legs sawn off. He should be cut up and made into beef cutlets. He should be involved in a motorway pile up and be trapped for twelve hours just bleeding away like a leaking bottle of vermouth. Banning is just too good for him. He should be tried in a court of law and then sent to a rusty guillotine.

TCB: That sounds a bit harsh.

GRANITE: You've simply got to enforce discipline! This is rugby for crying out loud, not an organised barney between eight men outside The Barrels in Hereford after they’ve had one too many pints of rough of a Saturday night. Now there are occasions when you've got to kick, bite and chew all you can. And of course there are situations where it’s right and proper that your mouth be filled with blood, your ears be filled with screams and your hands be filled with bits of chin. We all know that there’s a time and a place for the mindless bloody evisceration of your fellow human beings and the homicidally violent extraction of psychopathically merciless revenge; but a Rugby field on a pleasant summer’s afternoon just isn’t one of them.

TCB: The injuries are mounting up for the Lions. Who do you think they’ll bring in?

GRANITE: They've got to go for class, someone who can make a real difference, someone who has that star quality which can turn a match.

TCB: Who will that be?

GRANITE: I've got no idea.

TCB: Finally, given that the Lions last won a Test Series a full eight years ago, can further tours really go ahead?

GRANITE: Absolutely. Playing on regardless is the measure of a team’s real character. You know, holding in there despite the embarrassment, the loss of pride, and the unending ridicule. Being able to carry on even though you’re being pointed and laughed at by pensioners and passing children in the street; that certainly was the hallmark of my career, and it’s what being a Lion is all about. The boys won’t be in any mood to give up, I can tell you, they’ll be just as confident as I am that they’ve got many a crushing defeat still left in them.

First Wimbledon twat to ‘ironically’ shout “Come on Tim” unmasked

A Mr Darren Hatton has been named as the first spectator at Wimbledon to shout out “Come on Tim,” thereby ensuring his status as an utter plank. The incident happened during the first round singles match between Elya Teenpornova and Vya Aydontnoweartolukaytha, both of whom are seventeen-year old Latvians who have been playing professional tennis for about sixteen years. At match point, Mr Hatton stood up and shouted “Come on Tiger Timmy!” before laughing in a world now filled only with silence and an increasing awareness of his own shame. In glancing around for moral support, Mr Hatton’s eyes were met only by a toddler, who spontaneously burst into tears; and an elderly All England Club member who merely shook his head slowly with his eyes tightly shut, silently mouthing the words “stupid, stupid, stupid.”

Though Mr Hatton’s malapropism was intended to cause mirth, Wimbledon officials were keen to stress that such remarks are at best either, totally unfunny, or at worst, completely confusing for those who have no idea who serial loser Tim Henman was. An umpire was heard to remark, “It might have been funny a couple of years ago. But this year? It’s like listening to some div reciting Monty Python routines at you for hours on end. And getting them wrong.”

But such perplexity appears rife at Wimbledon this year, with officials also growing increasingly concerned at the apparent conflation of ‘plucky’ with ‘shit.’ Senior steward, Leslie Knowles said, “It’s getting stupid now. Every time a British player goes out in straight sets to a one-armed dwarf that spends every other month of the year living underground, it’s described as plucky. When actually, they should be admitting that it’s shit. I saw one gentleman saying ‘Oh no, I’ve just stepped in some dog pluck. Would you mind awfully holding my strawberries? I shit them myself, you know.’ Lunacy!”

Horror as Top Gear’s ‘Stig’ revealed to be “murderous arsonist”

After a period of intense speculation, Top Gear’s Jeremy Clarkson has revealed that the driver known as the Stig, is in fact a serial arsonist responsible for the deaths of up to forty-six people. The announcement came on Sunday’s edition of the program where the Stig was confronted with photographs showing him throwing a crudely made Molotov cocktail through the window of a home for the elderly. He was then pictured running away from the scene and ultimately giggling in a shed. Asked to explain his actions, the Stig replied simply, “I am who I am.”

The revelation prompted several complaints from irate viewers demanding that the Stig be sacked. Though these were subsequently withdrawn after Clarkson had assured fans that a lot of the people burnt to death had French-sounding names and that others had definitely been vegetarians. Though no stranger to controversy in the past, the BBC’s flagship motoring show has continued to entertain the nation with its characteristic combination of amusing stunts and good natured high jinks.

This year these have included an amusing review of the latest Range Rover, which revealed how eagerly the French had collaborated with the Nazis during the Second World War, entitled “An examination of why all French cars and people are rubbish.” The whimsical new title sequence showing a pair of actors dressed up like President Sarkozy and his wife being repeatedly mown down by a four-door Morris Marina has also proven very popular.

However, such japery has not been welcomed by all, and the most recent programme which featured Richard Hammond racing the latest Volkswagen beetle from Berlin to Paris against James May in a 1942 model Henschel & Sohn Waffen-SS Tiger MkII tank came under fire from a Maurice Gourdault-Montagne who phoned into Points of View calling himself the French Ambassador. “It was in very bad taste and should never have been given the go ahead,” said His Excellency, “though it was good that the Hamster won, ses cheveux sont très beaux et longs...”

Breaking playground news: boys refuse to play nice, or together

In a move that has shocked playgrounds around the country, the prefects of the F1 School have refused to play with the boys in the lower years, because the latter’s toys weren't good enough. The renegade boys have turned their noses up at the offer of playing racing cars, sword fights and marbles, as the younger boys had refused to either spend over forty million pounds on a jungle gym, or relinquish their right to one hand one bounce.

The group of rich toffs including Sebastian Ferrari, Oscar McLaren and Quentin Toyota, decided last week that they were fed up with the spotty Herberts getting in the way of their fun: and broke away to form their own playground. It is rumoured that their new rules will allow them to go first on the swings and ensure that no oiks are on the seesaw by the time they come out from double Maths.

Though the spokesperson for the group was unavailable given the need for his daily money-bath in preparation for a chukka of unicorn polo, the F1 bursar was willing to make a statement. He summarised the disagreement between the boys as coming down to one point of principle, “basically most teams want to flaunt their wealth like Lady Gaga flaunts her genitals. However, the breakaway teams also want the right to whip out their massive wads of cash and stuff it into people’s face going ‘Yeah, you’d like some of that, wouldn’t you, you smelly peasant?’ Y'see?"

Speaking from a golden throne carried on the shoulders of twelve lingerie-clad ‘close personal friends’ the F1 headmaster, Max Moseley, declared that he didn’t really give six shits about who did what as long as he “still got invited to all the after race parties.” He later returned to the press conference to add “...wink wink.”

EXCLUSIVE: “Training and Tactics Crucial” if Lions to pull off test series win

After today’s nail-biter of a match and ahead of the second British and Irish Lions Test, The Chum Bucket asked former Durham Daredevils fly-half and established Sky Sports News commentator, Reg Granite, to assess the Lions’ chances.

The Chum Bucket: The Lions came so close to winning in the first test, but were beaten nonetheless. What can they do to lift their spirits?

Reg Granite: I wouldn’t worry about being beaten. The best lesson I ever learned came from being smashed in the face with a pool cue and then held down whilst a man took a power sander to my face.

TCB: What lesson was that?

GRANITE: Never give away possession in your own half.

TCB: Class makes all the difference when results are so tight. What could Phil O’Donnell say to his teammates to make them raise their game?

GRANITE: If I were him, I’d be telling Phil Vickery to find a dog and then headbutt it until it fell into a coma. The ref might give him ten minutes in the bin, but he’d send a powerful message. The mental toughness that international-level play requires just demands this kind of commitment. Though if you are going to assault a dog, you do need to be careful. I’ve had some fights with some pretty persistent canines in my time, I can tell you. Once there were these two Dachshunds waiting for me outside a bookies with a brick: I never stood a chance.

TCB: Which Springbok players should the Lions be most worried about?

GRANITE: I would say the good ones. In my experience, good players tend to be the ones that hurt you. Bad players often mess up and on occasion play like truckers after a three-day meths binge. My approach has always been to wait, see which players have scored more than three tries and then concentrate on them. If they’d only scored one or two, I didn’t see them as much of a threat. After I’d identified who the good player was, I’d tell all fifteen of us to run towards that player to try and stop him.

TCB: And does the tactic work?

GRANITE: Absolutely. The good player’s efforts end up completely nullified. Although it is noticeable that the bad players do tend to suddenly step up a gear.

TCB: Tom Croft is a surprise inclusion in the pack. Has he come too far, too fast do you think?

GRANITE: No no, he’ll be an unknown quantity which is often an advantage. I don’t believe any of his teammates have even met him yet, and I think he’s been kept in a sack so that no-one knows what he looks like.

TCB: So finally Reg, would you care to hazard a prediction for the second Test?

GRANITE: Well the great beauty of the game is juts how unpredictable it can be! Though I will say that to guarantee victory the Lions have got to put themselves in a position where they are at least twenty points ahead by the 79th minute. But as I said there’s no such thing as a “sure thing” in rugby, I’ve been subbed on to teams 38 points clear two minutes from time that still ended up losing.

Wii Torture Game Branded “Obscene”

Controversy has erupted over the release of a game for the Nintendo Wii in which players can simulate the torture handed out to terrorist suspects; and workers in the Wolverhampton branch of Dixons. The game allows those that play to recreate notorious torture techniques such as sensory deprivation, waterboarding and attaching electrodes to the testes. However, despite the outrage expressed by human rights groups, industry insiders believe that the game, Extraordinary Rendition: Pulling Out Teeth For Truth, will be a massive hit.

In the game, the player takes on the role of a government agent who only has 72 hours to prevent a terrorist attack. The player must interrogate different suspects and get the information necessary to foil a terrorist plot. The sooner the player gets the information, the more time he has to stop the plot (and score freedom points). The game can be played at a range of difficulties ranging from Easy and Medium to We Keep On Getting The Wrong Guy. The game's authors are keen to stress that they are in no way trading on stereotypes as the villains in the game are in fact many different types of Muslim.

The creators have also defended the game against allegations of treating the issue of torture too lightly, insisting that the ramifications of “enhanced interrogation” are actually shown in the game. Chuck Woodhead, the chief designer, said, “There is a definite moral message to the game. For instance, let's say you have to get information from some guy, say, Mohammed Jihadiman. You need to get the information, but if you torture him too much, he might die and you won't be able to complete the game without going back and torturing him all over again, even though he's dead. So there's a degree of restraint you have to employ. If you want.”