Delight as I’m A Celebrity contestants work out why each other is famous

It is the Eureka moment that could set the series of ‘I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here’ to be one of the defining television shows of the year as the contestants finally work out how on earth they are deemed to be celebrities. Creator of the show, Vince Nevor, explained why this year’s show appeared to be consisting of bag ladies and people purloined from chicken sexing plants. “We had to shake up the whole system. We’ve got to question the whole nature of celebrity and get people to ask, ‘Are these celebrities or simply people who have been on TV?’. It’s very Samuel Becket. According to my researcher.“

The series exploded into life with the arrival of Katie Price, the model formerly known as Jordan who formerly was quite pretty until she took a scalpel to her face. Until then, the cast had been stalking each other like panthers, unsure whether they were in the presence of celebrity or just a dick in a cork hat. With the introduction of Katie Price, Lucy Benjamin stammered, “It’s that one, the one who has got massive funbags and pretends to write books. This must be a reality TV show!”

This set off a spiral of discoveries as each began to recognise one another. Kim Woodburn was the next to be worked out and formerly unmasked as the person who is filmed telling other people that they are living in filth. Questions still remain over Justin Ryan who keeps on telling the others that he is the star of the BBC Three documentary, My Inguinal Hernia and Me. But the others are not so sure. The one that used to be in Mystique but now sells hats has her doubts. “I’m sure he’s served in me in KFC,” said the one that used to be in Mystique but now sells hats.

Al Gore's new eco-film is a masterpiece say converted

It was the cinematic warning of the oncoming apocalypse, a portent so terrifying that it launched a million recycling campaigns, brought about Live Earth but didn't really do that much to stop us f**king up the planet. So now, celebrity eco-campaigner and winner of American Airlines Accumulated Air Miles 2006, 2007, 2008 and 2009 Al Gore will present his latest attempt at persuading humanity to lead a more environmentally friendly lifestyle. And those that have seen Our Choice: A Plan To Keep St. Tropez Nice are declaring it to be a film that concurs with their fundamental beliefs.

In his new film, Gore attempts to reach those who are not influenced by scientific fact but whose level of self-satisfied smugness means that they think that they are capable of changing the world by themselves. "Laying out the facts just won't work," said Gore, "which means we've got to rely on fiction and fairy stories to try and persuade them. Although a lot of people believe in a big man in the sky created the world, we need to make them think that he is telling them to recycle teabags."

Viewers of the film are ecstatic at the message that they themselves agree with. Richard Pilsby, a member of the Green party and part time tree said, "I'm going to go out right now and keep doing the things I was doing before. But even more so!" Claire Danns, a keen eco-warrior said, "It has honestly changed my life. Not that it has influenced me in any way but that I wasted two hours of my life on that drivel."

Celebrities in mad rush to be photographed with disappearing Arctic ice

It is the crisis that everyone feared but never thought would come crashing down like a twat's fist in Leona Lewis's face. Now the worse fears of a generation have been realised. How will Madonna find time for a photoshoot with the Arctic's vanishing ice caps whilst continuing to pump out disco anthems for gay men in their forties? It seems like the frozen wasteland has refused to reschedule its imminent destruction, which has put the perfectly set nose of many today's celebrity ecowarriors out of joint.

Sting is said to be particularly irate at what is going on. "We've got to do something before it's too late. I am willing to make a sacrifice never previously seen before in the history of mankind. Forget Oscar Schindler, forget Jesus and forget Mother Theresa. If the ice caps start growing again, I'll delay recording my next album featuring Albanian orphans on spoons and which ever ethnic music is fashionable at the moment."

The inhabitants of the Arctic have also become anxious over their future. One polar bear named Vince Cornfoy confirmed his worries about his imminent demise. "This is my livelihood. I've got a shoot with Vogue to get done plus there's the 2010 cutsie wutsie calendar to get finished off.

"There's the next series of Blue Planet to fit in plus I'm told that Woody Allen wants to set his next movie here. Apparently I'm up for a neurotic misanthrope who constantly has sex with younger female polar bears. If these ice caps go, where am I going to go? The only place that's whiter than the Arctic is Kensington. And that's not cheap." Mr. Cornfoy did confirm that he remains available for acting work, corporate events and collaborations with Damon Albarn.

News of the World shamefaced as phone tapping still results in crap stories

The News of the World is coming under increasing pressure to explain its continued output of bunkum, despite having access to prominent people’s phone calls. Though the newspaper had tapped into the phones of John Prescott, Elle MacPherson, Gordon Taylor and other public figures, they were only been able to come up with such “exclusives” as “Prescott: My Pie Hell” and “Boobs are nice”. Journalist Mike Hack offered an apology to the newspaper’s readers, insisting that they had deserved more given the illegal underhand tactics used. “You would’ve expected us to come up with some really juicy stuff given that we’ve been invading privacy like British tourists invade the Costa del Sol. But we’ve failed. We’re a disgrace to lowlife journoscum.”

The scheme perpetrated by the newspaper could potentially involve hundreds of ministers, celebrities and other officials. One such person being Boris Johnson who posed numerous problems for those listening in on his phone calls. An anonymous reporter described his difficulties at trying to understand what the hell the Mayor of London was saying. “It took him about an hour just to complete a sentence. It was full of ‘Y’know’s’ and ‘Ah, looks like I’ve got myself into a bit of a tither here.’

“I ended up shouting ‘Just try and go two seconds without saying Gosh!’ down the line. He overheard me and was a bit shocked at what I was up to. Thankfully I had my wits about me and reassured him it was just a crossed line, and he carried on oblivious about owing somebody called Asclepius a bit of cock action. But this turned out to be not quite as juicy as we had initially hoped.”

Another public figure outraged at the scandal is Lewis Hamilton, who is furious that his phone calls are not being tapped in any way whatsoever. “Look, I’m a celebrity, the Formula One world champion and have got the second fittest bird in the Pussycat Dolls for a girlfriend,” moaned Hamilton, “Why don’t people want to listen to what I’ve got to say?” Asked to explain their omission, the News of the World replied, “’Cos Hamilton is just such a boring wankstain. Fact.”

World’s Lawyers “devastated” at Michael Jackson’s Passing

Tributes to Michael Jackson have been flooding in from law firms across the world, all praising the former pop star for the considerable amount of work he consistently put their way over the years. Herbert Dean of Weston, Blythe and Dean struggled to hold back the tears as he said, “To think that I'll never be able to see him again, to try not to laugh as I write down his version of events and say ‘Sure, sure, you just happened to be in bed with some children’ and never be able to send him an invoice for time spent on the toilet. I'm sorry, this is just all too draining. Financially I mean.”

Dubbed “The King of Pop” for his exploits in music, in the legal world he was known as “The High Priest of High Court Injunctions.” Jackson would attract a lawsuit at an average of one every twenty minutes. Due to having to give numerous depositions whilst recording his music, he would often become confused as to where he was and what he was supposed to be saying. The little known result of this was that the popular song Billie Jean had originally been given in response to a subpoena for an unpaid parking ticket.

Jackson's unerring ability to be sued over completely baseless allegations that would somehow keep returning, earned the admiration and salaries of many a legal firm. Christine Holmes senior litigator at Earth, Wind and Fire said, “That man put my kids through college and supported my two grand a day coke habit. He wasn't just there for me when everyone was doing it and the price fell. I mean during the 80s when it was pretty exclusive and you had to pay through the nose for it. And then put it up your nose.”

The world’s press is also grieving Jackson’s loss, even in the UK, where the papers are hardly famed for looking kindly on individuals who share what was Mr Jackson’s most persistently legally inconvenient “hobby.” The head of the United Kingdom's consular office in Los Angeles, when asked to explain this staggering volte-face on the part of the British media, replied, "Well, it probably wouldn't be fair to put the onus of responsibility entirely on the sunshine, apportioning blame should neither necessarily be placed exclusively on the moonlight..."

Madonna: Orphans’ Blood Keeps Me Young

Malawian authorities were facing further criticism of their decision to fast track Madonna’s adoption application after it emerged that she merely intends using the child to extend her youth. Concerns were raised over the process, when she told a court that she would be looking to give the child a good home in return for "its essence, its lovely, pure essence." Asked to elaborate further on what she had said, the actress and part-time singer replied, "I must fly," before disappearing in a cloud of black smoke.

Madonna already has one African child named David who has only once been seen in public. Those that saw him allege they observed marks on his arms that could only be explained if he was going through a process of monthly blood-letting under a full moon in worship of Hebe, the Greek goddess of youth. Adopting orphans seems to be the latest of Madonna’s attempts to hold on to her craggy, gap-toothed looks. In the past she has tried ingesting the spleens of werewolves, drinking the urine of hawks and divorcing Guy Ritchie.

Yet Madonna is not the only grade-A mediocrity alleged to be going through a wacky process of attempted rejuvenation. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are reported to hold weekly bacchanalia in which they dance around naked with their sprogs, whilst Max Mosely is flogged by a Vulcan priest and three peacocks re-enact various tales of mystery. However, a spokesperson for the couple strenuously denied any peacocks were present, while Madonna’s press secretary dismissed as "ludicrous" the idea that his client would get mixed up in any form of pseudo-religious mumbo jumbo.