Teenager breaks up boyfriend after she sees his naked text

It’s the phenomenon amongst teenagers that is causing parents to reach for their copies of Reefer Madness and scream “Is this what you want end up like?” Sexting is the latest craze popular amongst young 'uns along with skinny jeans, happy slapping and a repudiation of the concept of vowels. It involves horny teenagers sending naked pictures of themselves to each other. It is also known as fuxting, screxting and making the beast with two baxting. However, police are warning teenage boys that they risk humiliating themselves through showing the world their under-endowed genitals. Constable Alan Peters said, “If it’s anything less than four inches, for the love of god just keep it in your pants.”

This was the advice that Jared Hornsby failed to take heed of. He has been dumped after sending his own roll in the hext, which caused his girlfriend considerable disappointment and utter devastation. Thinking that he was being romantic, Hornsby only expedited the break-up of the relationship that had previously showed considerable promise. Lisa Rogers, the distraught recipient of the copulext, explained her reasoning for the split. “I hadn’t seen Jared naked because we thought we should wait. Then I saw the photo and I thought ‘That’s what I’m saving myself for? It’s like a button mushroom on two M&Ms.’ I don’t want to embarrass him but if I were him, I’d start putting a cucumber down there.”

Hornsby has hit back at the accusations of not measuring up, saying, “It’s not small at all. It’s just that the camera wasn’t working properly, I’d just got out of the shower, it was a cold day, I had just gone for a run, I’ve had the measles and my cat died the day before. It really isn’t that small.” Objective tests however, are at odds with Mr. Hornsby’s assessment.

Internet kicks itself in the brain, again.

Some people are angry at other people in charge, for their wanting to look at stuff they put out for everyone else to look at.

The internet today took another great evolutionary step towards its hallowed destiny (known only as the "Monkey/Typewriters" scenario) as whinging techno-tards bashed their faces against their keyboards in response to the government asking to do something that will probably only affect self-publicising, amateur criminals.

Once again the Internetters completely forgot that they’ve already given the government their details with every passport, driving licence and jobseekers allowance application; and then also completely failed to recall they’ve already handed their details across to umpteen different sites simply because of a flashy web-page and a catchy jingle.

Home Office spokesman, Vernon Coaker, defended the possibility of the government’s access to such online personal details. "I think what’s been overlooked by those complaining is that Social Network sites are the internet equivalent of shouting an ongoing personal commentary in the street whilst showing your photo album to passers-by. These Webmongs have somehow endowed themselves with a God-given right to total privacy despite wanting to fart out minute-by-minute updates and photos of EVERY-F*CKING-LITTLE-THING THEY DO into the public domain."

"I can’t understand what the fuss is about. Google and Yahoo already have all the information about those dirty sites you’re looking at. If anything we’re pretty late to the party. We really couldn’t give a shit about those photos of thing that happened that one time, with that geezer and the bottle of vodka. Of course it’s still great fun to find those attractive girlies who are friends-of-friends, that’s why we really love these sites. We're excluding Twitter of course, f*ck knows what value that has. It’s like listening to the Earth vomit”

Also asked to comment was Mark Zionberg, founder of Facebook. His first comment was simply "Oh for friggsakes..."

"First you’re shouting at us about your privacy, then the application designers, now the sodding government?! May I remind you that you don’t have to put all that shit out there in the first place. If we gave you a pad of paper, and you draw a willy on it, you can’t blame us when you get in trouble for showing it to a policeman, can you? Oh, right… well give me my pen back then.

Jacqui Smith like this article

Google's New “Street View” Makes Hide And Seek Extinct

Youngsters across the world were facing a further erosion of their childhood with the news that Google’s new Street View has rendered the old favourite of Hide and Seek utterly pointless. There are also fears about the future of Sardines, though officials are confident that the implicit sexual possibilities may see it survive amongst randy teenagers.

The game had already been facing an uncertain future due to the increasing size of children, making the finding of those hiding much easier. Hide and Seek expert, Jeremy Parkin, said, "It’s a dying art. I remember some of the great Hide and Seekers: Adolf Hitler, Lord Lucan, James Corden’s sense of shame. But with today’s kids unable to fit into small spaces and having to try and hide around whole houses, it’s really gone downhill. This Street View thing is just the last nail in the coffin."

Hide and Seek isn’t the only traditional pursuit to be threatened by Street View. The near-omniscient detail that it provides means paranoid onanists are now adding Google to the list of things that they fear may be watching over them, whilst they indulge in acts of self-abuse. Previously, such lists were primarily limited to spiritual or non-existent entities, such as the ghosts of deceased family members, various monotheistic deities, or that creepy man from down the road that Mum calls "Uncle Jim".

Google’s inclusion in the list marks the return of technology as a source of masturbatory anxiety, after it was conclusively proved in the early-90’s that trouser-presses in scabby Travelodge motels possessed neither the ability to record a marathon flagellation session, nor the inclination to morally judge a being on their choice of personal leisure pursuit enhancing daytime TV.

YouTube to pull music videos: Ninja Cat issues condemnation

Teenage girls and socially impotent men living with their parents were facing devastation at the news that YouTube plans to pull thousands of music videos over a royalties row. In a coruscating indictment of the move, one user, MrShOOtweasel, posted, “Wat am I gun do wit mi time now? Red a book? Dat is gay.”

The legal move inspired a number of commentary videos, including a woman crying on a bed screaming “LEAVE YOUTUBE ALONE! JUST LEAVE IT ALONE!” However, such videos have failed to capture the mood of users, with comments including “what a bunch of douche” and “u shud go n sit on a tack n bleed frm ur ass,” being not uncommon.

In a bold statement of unity by the YouTube mainstream, several novelty acts have spoken out against the decision, believing it to be an affront to artistic expression. The star of ‘Cat attacks washing machine’ said, “I appreciate that this row is a result of the difficulties of trying to protect artists’ rights in what is essentially a developing medium on a digital platform, which has yet to be structured along traditional capitalist models. But seriously, no Sk8er Boi, that sucks!”