Iran cuts off all contact with Loose Women

The regime in Iran has severed all ties with Western broadcasting, insisting that the Iranian population is at risk of being corrupted by the satanic influence of Location, Location, Location. An official spokesperson for the government outlined the reasons why they are shutting themselves off from The One Show. Gholamhossein Elham, the official spokesman for Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's government condemned those whom he accused of waging a "soft war" against the regime.

"I see these programmes as having a clear intent on subverting the ideals of our government. One such example is Deal or No Deal, which espouses the idea that we can be in control of our fate. This is poisonous as we all know that our lives are controlled by the will of Allah. That, and Noel Edmonds is an utter anus."

The Iranian regime is widely known for being suspicious about outside influences. It has previously lashed out at the producers of the Hollywood film 300, accusing it of negatively portraying the Persians in a negative light. However, the producers hit back, saying that their film portrayed the medium of cinema in a bad light.

Iranian Voters Torn Between Nutjobs

Voting has begun all over Iran with mounting speculation over which fundamentalist will win the right to deny the existence of Israel. Present incumbent Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is the strong favourite but faces a testing challenge from Mir-Hossein Mousavi over who gets to waffle on about Western imperialism and the Great Satan.

Ahmadinejad is a figure of some controversy given his energy policy, which aims to move from nuclear power stations to those powered by burning infidels and enemies of Allah. In contrast, former Prime Minister Mousavi is seen as a more moderate figure which has been made use of by Ahmadinejad who has played on voters’ fears over the consequences of a liberal agenda. The election slogan of “To keep your neighbours Israeli, vote Mousavi” has drawn the ire of many. Some quarters believe his views are too lenient towards non-gentiles while others have criticised them for not being sufficiently anti-Semitic.

Mousavi has hit back with a campaign of his own, based around the threat of foreign invasion. “To get bombed like Baghdad, vote Ahmadinejad” has proved popular with some and has been repeatedly stoned by others. Other policies put forward by Mousavi are indicative of his progressive agenda. “We have to move forward and look at ways of using 21st century technology to keep women at home and away from centres of learning.”

However, the weighty significance of the poll has been brightened up by the presence of several eccentrics standing for office. Among them is Zadir Deghgan a candidate for the George W Bush Appreciation Party. “It’s all a bit of a laugh really,” said Deghgan, speaking from a heavily fortified bunker. “We’ve got policies like National Custard Day, the mandatory wearing of a banana in both ears and an end to the stoning of gays. It’s just a bit of a giggle.” Other parties taking a less than serious approach include the Silly Secularists and the Popular Zionist Front.