Jacqui Smith “Claimed Gimp” On Expenses

The future of the Home Secretary was looking increasingly bleak as it has emerged that she had hired a gimp, and tried to claim Mr. Must Be Punished on government expenses. The revelation comes only days after Smith's husband admitted invoicing the taxpayer for such porno flicks as Bananarama Eat Carpet and Animal Farm.

Jacqui Smith initially claimed that her slave was hired to help in the office and to make sure that constituents had a point of contact. However, Mrs. Smith has now been forced to admit that the gimp did no such kind of work and was only there to be the subject of Smith's deranged peccadilloes.

In the aftermath of the revelations, Mr. Must Be Punished has been the subject of intense media scrutiny, of which he has said, "Yes, more, please more." In an interview that could be potentially disastrous for the Home Secretary, Mr. Must Be Punished described Smith's proclivities and what he would be forced to do when complying with her wishes. "She's a very angry woman," he said, speaking whilst handcuffed to a radiator, "she would call me all kinds of insults. She said I had the nipples of a dwarf, that I was diseased beyond decency and that I was nothing but a wet fart destined for failure. However, I had to draw a line when she said I had a face like a sad Jack Straw. There're some forms of degradation even I won't take."

Sex in Commons “Cost-Saving Initiative” says Shamed MP

Nigel Griffiths, the MP at the centre of the Parliamentary sex scandal, has defended his tryst at his Commons office; claiming that it was more cost-effective than making whoopee in a hotel and therefore provided “value for taxpayers’ money.” Griffiths had previously denied the affair until he was confronted with photographic proof of his liaison with a mystery brunette. When faced with the photos, he is reported to have said "Ah."

However, Griffiths has robustly defended himself against allegations of bringing the House of Commons into disrepute. He stressed that using his office for his midnight bonkfest curtailed the need to go elsewhere, and thereby avoided the incurring of expenses that would otherwise have to be footed by the taxpayer. In a statement made from outside the Wycombe Travelodge, he said, "At a time when money and black lace stockings are tight, I made what I believe to be the right decision. Making the beast with two backs in my office has showed that I am committed to saving my constituents’ money. Even if it does get in the way of my commitment to the sanctity of marriage just a smidge. Oh, and you might want to tell the Speaker to wipe down his chair."

Outrage has also greeted the revelation that Griffiths’ love marathon happened on Remembrance Sunday. But as is clear from the photographs, at no time during the lust-filled session did the sordid MP wear his poppy. Veterans Association President, Roger Harper, said, "Millions died during two World Wars so that Mr. Griffiths could be free to get conkers deep in the House of Commons. The least he could have done when he had her bent over his desk and about to receive a good seeing to, was to have had his poppy on. Blue-tac, selotape, put behind an ear, whatever. We’re not asking much."