Sun’s fury over child’s letter to Santa

We are in the midst of Christmas season and children are beginning to beg Santa for presents. Some are wishing for X-Boxes, some are wishing for remote control cars and some are wishing that some politician would have the balls to have the conviction to enact social change in spite of corporate interests that stipulate that all of Western society must be born and remain as passive consumers who believe that forever purchasing commodities will provide some temporary happiness rather than having to develop any kind of adult faculties which are necessary to confront the desolate waste of existence, which previous civilisations have engaged with rather than going down the route of deluding itself with Ben Stiller movies.

But the whole nature of Christmas has been thrown into disrepair after the revelation of a child’s letter to Santa. The missive in question detailed the wishes to Santa but has been shown to be replete with mistakes. Father Christmas was dismayed at the lack of spelling and grammar in the letter sent to him. In a special report, the Sun newspaper reported the scandal as “Kidz Take Santa 4 A Wanka”. The letter which has been posted in the newspaper, reveals the level of ineptitude including such errors as “I waana ponee and sheeut.”

Editor of the Sun Dominic Lackey said, “We are doing are duty as highlighting the abuse that someone like Father Christmas suffers in a way that boosts our sales. No-one like Santa who helps all those that have been nice should ever have to suffer non-coverage in our paper.”

Father Christmas said, “She just got some spelling wrong, who gives a sheeut?”

Goldman Sachs: Society worth destroying in pursuit of bonuses

Chairman of Goldman Sachs, Lord Griffiths, has insisted that society must be willing to collapse to allow bankers their rightful bonuses. The chairman of the bank told a captive audience that the public must learn to tolerate inequality in bankers' pay for a greater investment in the economy.

Speaking at the dinner, Griffiths said, "Say I am pissing in your face and laughing as I do it. Now, you may say to me, 'Excuse me but you've urinated in my face and are giggling whilst continuing to spew forth a large amount of piss into my face.' I would say to you that yes, I am soaking your face in effulent and having a riotous time whilst I'm at it. But at least I am taking the time to give you a golden shower and then possibly crap in your hair afterwards. I could be doing this with someone else you lucky, lucky devil.

"If we are to go forward as a society, those of us not pressing buttons and hoping numbers go up must be prepared to accept a large amount of piss coming their way. It's the only fair way. Although I'm not immune to the pains of society. It pains me to see a child out on the streets. Because that child could be working down a mine or in a clothing factory. But yet it's just lying there, wasting its time and not being economically viable."

Mr Griffiths finished his remarks before heading onto London's streets with a large net on a reported "recruitment drive."

Policewomen asked to arrest themselves

One of the country's biggest crackdowns on potential child cruelty has resulted in an entire police squadron arresting themselves. Eight constables and six detectives stormed their own houses and wrestled themselves to the ground before leading themselves away to their own car. "The whole operation has been a massive success," said Constable Ruth Williams, "but I haven't got one single piece of evidence against me. I'm innocent and until I make myself confess to myself, I ain't got nothing. So suck it pig."

There have been accusations that the police were heavy-handed in their approach to themselves but the Thames Valley Police force have been quick to deny any wrongdoing to themselves. "We were very thorough and very fair in the treatment that we took to ourselves," said Detective Anne Barnett, sporting two black eyes, a broken ankle and a distinct lack of arms.

The operation was put together after it emerged that several policewomen were looking after each other's children for more than two hours, resulting in immediate suspicion of rampant child molestation. Those wishing to look after children for more than two hours must register as childminders and complete an extensive course in how not to be a paedophile.

The course covers all aspects of how not to have sex with children. Course attendee Mike Wallace spoke about his progress. "I've been through not having sex with children in a car. I did really well on the not having sex with children whilst on a day out at the zoo and I'm pretty hopeful about getting through the next part which is about not having sex with children in the Greater Manchester area." Asked to give his opinion on the general helpfulness of the course, Wallace replied, "It really is f**king retarded."

Teenager breaks up boyfriend after she sees his naked text

It’s the phenomenon amongst teenagers that is causing parents to reach for their copies of Reefer Madness and scream “Is this what you want end up like?” Sexting is the latest craze popular amongst young 'uns along with skinny jeans, happy slapping and a repudiation of the concept of vowels. It involves horny teenagers sending naked pictures of themselves to each other. It is also known as fuxting, screxting and making the beast with two baxting. However, police are warning teenage boys that they risk humiliating themselves through showing the world their under-endowed genitals. Constable Alan Peters said, “If it’s anything less than four inches, for the love of god just keep it in your pants.”

This was the advice that Jared Hornsby failed to take heed of. He has been dumped after sending his own roll in the hext, which caused his girlfriend considerable disappointment and utter devastation. Thinking that he was being romantic, Hornsby only expedited the break-up of the relationship that had previously showed considerable promise. Lisa Rogers, the distraught recipient of the copulext, explained her reasoning for the split. “I hadn’t seen Jared naked because we thought we should wait. Then I saw the photo and I thought ‘That’s what I’m saving myself for? It’s like a button mushroom on two M&Ms.’ I don’t want to embarrass him but if I were him, I’d start putting a cucumber down there.”

Hornsby has hit back at the accusations of not measuring up, saying, “It’s not small at all. It’s just that the camera wasn’t working properly, I’d just got out of the shower, it was a cold day, I had just gone for a run, I’ve had the measles and my cat died the day before. It really isn’t that small.” Objective tests however, are at odds with Mr. Hornsby’s assessment.