Student's attempt to blow up plane makes planned reunion awkward

The ex-UCL student who failed in his attempt blow up a plane in America has succeeded in ripping apart his classmates' plans for a meet-up. The actions of Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab have made it increasingly difficult for the class of 2008 to get together. Danny Simpson, the graduate who had organised the meet-up, expressed his frustration at the ongoing situation. "I'm seriously pissed off. I had booked a table in Brown's, managed to get confirmations from everyone and then everyone is now backing out because Umar tried to blow up a plane." The spokesperson for the restaurant confirmed that Simpson would be losing his deposit.

Those who knew Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab are amazed at their former classmate's actions. The head of the engineering department in which Abdulmutallab was enrolled described the 23 year old as a "hard working student althought quiet. The only sign of any trouble was when he asked whether he could sign up for the Explosives in Pants workshop. We don't normally get many people interested."

Fellow student Alan Wicker remembers Abdulmutallab as a diligent worker although prone to eccentricity. "I remember he came up to me one day and said, 'I've got a bomb in my pants.' I said, 'Yeah, I also need to get laid.' He said, 'No seriously, I'm packing explosives.' I replied, 'Damn right, I call mine the Wrathful Cobra.'"

Alarming development in deepening Graduate Joblessness crisis

It is late evening in Dagenham. In a disused warehouse a large crowd has gathered. They are a raucous congregation, whose jeering and shouting echo around the bare warehouse walls as they follow the spectacle that is going on in front of them. Above a floor covered with specks of blood hangs an atmosphere thick with swearing, goading, recrimination and the acrid stench of stale sweat and fresh fear.

This isolated location used to be famous for its weekly cockfights, where successive braces of feathered foul would be pitted against one another in a disturbing contest to the death. But this evening is different. No one will witness a chicken wing raised in anger. Tonight’s brutal face-off will see Jemma Saunders, a recent history graduate from Durham, knocking seven bells out of Peter Wardle who has just completed a Masters in International Relations at Trinity College, Dublin.

The growing phenomenon is being seen more and more across the country as increasing numbers of graduates find themselves unable to secure employment. With the promise of easy money, they are being lured into the murky world of fighting each other in the dead of night in car parks, on urban waste ground and in disused Victorian swimming pools. One organiser of these events explained the appeal of using graduates instead of poultry. “Well the risk is a lot smaller. If you get caught organising cock fights, you can do a long stretch. But graduates? That’s different. I’ve seen people with an MPhil in Medieval Poetry lose a couple of teeth and be grateful for the work.”

Jemma is no different. Speaking after she had finished Wardle off with a headbutt and a kick to the knackers, she explained her reasons for accepting such a shady proposition. “The money’s good and it gets you out of the house. I can make eighty pounds a night from kicking the crap out of the cream of this country’s academic elite. Plus, if I keep at it long enough, I’m promised an entry-level position at Saatchi & Saatchi.” Asked why she had chosen to use her degree to pursue a life of pugilism, she replies, “Well really, it was either this or temping.”