MOD calls for less enemies in Afghanistan

The defence secretary, Bob Ainsworth, has made a plea for fewer insurgents attacking British soldiers in the wake of rising casualties in the war-torn country. It is being reported that the British army is unable to cope with the sheer number of blood-thirsty rebels trying to blow the crap out of them. “It’s almost like they don’t want us to be in their country,” said Ainsworth. The MOD has launched an initiative to encourage would-be attackers to do other things with their time. The “Don’t Hurt Our Boys, Hurt Our Toys” scheme is being rolled out across the country and encourages angry militants to blow up teddy bears and Scalextrix tracks instead of members of the armed forces. Uptake of the scheme is said to be “slow”.

The news comes as soldiers complain about the substandard equipment that they are having to use in the face of increasing budget cuts. One soldier revealed that their body armour consisted of nothing but baking trays and pillows stuffed down their shirt. “It might work for the A-Team,” said the anonymous source, “but against guys with rocket launchers and grenades, you tend to come off second best. And that’s generally not what you want to be doing.”

Ainsworth has insisted that progress is being made in Afghanistan. He pointed to Sangin, a town that was in disarray but now has a thriving market. “I’m told you can get all kinds of nicknacks and goodies there,” said Ainsworth, “you can get fruit, cheese, bullets, anti-aircraft missiles, all the components needed for explosive devices, ah. That’s probably why they’re so successful.”

Brown’s Reshuffled Cabinet To Consist Solely Of Naïve Optimists

With election results predicted to push Labour behind the Let’s Wear Spaghetti On Our Heads party, Gordon Brown has sought to secure his own political future by appointing a cabal of deluded bumpkins to the Cabinet. Insiders have revealed that Brown had become fed up with being referred to as the “ex-Prime Minister” in meetings; and how the Cabinet would always be one chair short, meaning that he had to sit on the floor. Details from a leaked document have shown the barely concealed animosity that Brown has had to deal with. The document is a card signed by all the members of the Cabinet that reads “Well done on completely destroying all that we hoped to achieve.”

James Hoyte, a former aide, recounts one particular incident. “Jacqui Smith stood up and said she wanted to read a poem. It went, ‘Roses are red, violets are blue, faeces are brown, so Brown smells like poo.’ The rest of the meeting was a little tense.”

In response, Brown has promoted several new members to his team, hoping that their happy-go-lucky dispositions would make them immune to the wreck that the country has become. That their buoyancy might mean that they are less keen to stab the PM in the back at the first opportunity: is considered an added bonus. The new Home Secretary will be Polly Sunshine, a former primary school teacher and florist. “I’m super keen to take on this jolly job,” she said. Asked about the problems of knife crime, she replied, “Why carry a knife when you can just carry a smile? Let’s all have a singsong.”

The new Transport Secretary will be Mike Dazzle, whose background is in children’s television and the new Defence Secretary, Zoë Honeydrizzle, when quizzed on her policy about dealing with Afghan insurgents replied, “Cuddles and sponge cake.”

Darling’s £15 bn efficiency drive: Cabinet to be outsourced

Faced with a growing financial disaster, that is reported to be on the same scale as Mel Gibson’s; Chancellor Alistair Darling has announced that the job of running the country will be outsourced to workers in Chennai. The move comes as a report into the efficiency of Whitehall found that most cabinet members were a complete and utter waste of space. “Although I was surprised by the results,” said Darling, packing his belongings into a cardboard box, “when you think about it, you realise what complete carbuncles most of us truly are.

“For me the most revealing insight was Tessa Jowell’s Facebook photos of a cabinet meeting that apparently disintegrated into a game of Monopoly; followed by Gordon sitting on an office chair and being spun by government officials until he sicked out of his nose... I mean she shouldn’t really have time to spend posting on Facebook!”

The report concluded that there was no real point to Hazel Blears, that Ed Milliband was in need of a good slap and a duck sitting on a beanbag could easily do the work of Jacqui Smith. “It’s probably the most brilliant idea I’ve had so far,” exclaimed Darling, setting up his new home underneath Blackfriars Bridge, “in order to save money, get rid of the biggest wasters of cash: us.”

The operation in Chennai will consist of a team of 800 workers who will formulate and implement policy at all levels of government. This has led to accusations that the new cabinet will be run by a sweatshop. However, Darling has countered the accusations saying, “It is not a sweatshop. The official name for our operation is a perspiration boutique.” Mr Darling was last seen rummaging through bins, scrapping cheese off a pizza box and mumbling “Oh yes, Papa’s hit gooey gold. Now, will you be main course or dessert?”