With election results predicted to push Labour behind the Let’s Wear Spaghetti On Our Heads party, Gordon Brown has sought to secure his own political future by appointing a cabal of deluded bumpkins to the Cabinet. Insiders have revealed that Brown had become fed up with being referred to as the “ex-Prime Minister” in meetings; and how the Cabinet would always be one chair short, meaning that he had to sit on the floor. Details from a leaked document have shown the barely concealed animosity that Brown has had to deal with. The document is a card signed by all the members of the Cabinet that reads “Well done on completely destroying all that we hoped to achieve.”
James Hoyte, a former aide, recounts one particular incident. “Jacqui Smith stood up and said she wanted to read a poem. It went, ‘Roses are red, violets are blue, faeces are brown, so Brown smells like poo.’ The rest of the meeting was a little tense.”
In response, Brown has promoted several new members to his team, hoping that their happy-go-lucky dispositions would make them immune to the wreck that the country has become. That their buoyancy might mean that they are less keen to stab the PM in the back at the first opportunity: is considered an added bonus. The new Home Secretary will be Polly Sunshine, a former primary school teacher and florist. “I’m super keen to take on this jolly job,” she said. Asked about the problems of knife crime, she replied, “Why carry a knife when you can just carry a smile? Let’s all have a singsong.”
The new Transport Secretary will be Mike Dazzle, whose background is in children’s television and the new Defence Secretary, Zoë Honeydrizzle, when quizzed on her policy about dealing with Afghan insurgents replied, “Cuddles and sponge cake.”
James Hoyte, a former aide, recounts one particular incident. “Jacqui Smith stood up and said she wanted to read a poem. It went, ‘Roses are red, violets are blue, faeces are brown, so Brown smells like poo.’ The rest of the meeting was a little tense.”
In response, Brown has promoted several new members to his team, hoping that their happy-go-lucky dispositions would make them immune to the wreck that the country has become. That their buoyancy might mean that they are less keen to stab the PM in the back at the first opportunity: is considered an added bonus. The new Home Secretary will be Polly Sunshine, a former primary school teacher and florist. “I’m super keen to take on this jolly job,” she said. Asked about the problems of knife crime, she replied, “Why carry a knife when you can just carry a smile? Let’s all have a singsong.”
The new Transport Secretary will be Mike Dazzle, whose background is in children’s television and the new Defence Secretary, Zoë Honeydrizzle, when quizzed on her policy about dealing with Afghan insurgents replied, “Cuddles and sponge cake.”
