Gordon Brown has unleashed an almighty shit-storm given his appointment of the chairman of the independent inquiry into the Iraq War: one hit wonder Chesney Hawkes. Introducing the has-been singer in front of the Rat and Gruyère pub in Bromley-by-Bow, where the inquiry is due to take place, Brown assured his detractors that “They’ve got a great conference room, you get two Thai food suppers for eight bob and they’ve one of the best fruit machines I’ve ever seen.” Hawkes was elated at the chance to take a role befitting his national prestige, “It’s not my usual thing. You know, I’m still pumping out hits, alongside running the petting zoo of course. I can claim the feed bill on expenses, right?”
The enquiry’s purpose is establishing what, if anything, went right during the build up and occupation of Iraq. And the mole-faced songster has been instructed to leave no major stone unturned in his search for the truth. “They’re going to be looking at ties, cufflinks,” explained Brown, “were they matching? Did they at least go well with the suit jacket? But they certainly won’t be stopping at clothes, oh no. Another point worth investigating is: did people have a tasty lunch whilst completely bungling intelligence and lying to the public? People want answers to these questions. I know I do!”
For reasons of national security the enquiry is to be conducted behind closed doors, “It is paramount that potential enemies of this country are kept in the dark over our ignorance.” said Brown, “Just think, if people found out that the same jizbot who f**ked up so royally in the build-up to the invasion was still at his post, terrorists would ...ooh." Even the results of the inquiry are expected to be kept absolutely top secret, Hawkes confirmed, “unless of course they prove embarrassing to Tony Blair, in which case they’ll be left on a train.”
The enquiry’s purpose is establishing what, if anything, went right during the build up and occupation of Iraq. And the mole-faced songster has been instructed to leave no major stone unturned in his search for the truth. “They’re going to be looking at ties, cufflinks,” explained Brown, “were they matching? Did they at least go well with the suit jacket? But they certainly won’t be stopping at clothes, oh no. Another point worth investigating is: did people have a tasty lunch whilst completely bungling intelligence and lying to the public? People want answers to these questions. I know I do!”
For reasons of national security the enquiry is to be conducted behind closed doors, “It is paramount that potential enemies of this country are kept in the dark over our ignorance.” said Brown, “Just think, if people found out that the same jizbot who f**ked up so royally in the build-up to the invasion was still at his post, terrorists would ...ooh." Even the results of the inquiry are expected to be kept absolutely top secret, Hawkes confirmed, “unless of course they prove embarrassing to Tony Blair, in which case they’ll be left on a train.”
