A Mr Darren Hatton has been named as the first spectator at Wimbledon to shout out “Come on Tim,” thereby ensuring his status as an utter plank. The incident happened during the first round singles match between Elya Teenpornova and Vya Aydontnoweartolukaytha, both of whom are seventeen-year old Latvians who have been playing professional tennis for about sixteen years. At match point, Mr Hatton stood up and shouted “Come on Tiger Timmy!” before laughing in a world now filled only with silence and an increasing awareness of his own shame. In glancing around for moral support, Mr Hatton’s eyes were met only by a toddler, who spontaneously burst into tears; and an elderly All England Club member who merely shook his head slowly with his eyes tightly shut, silently mouthing the words “stupid, stupid, stupid.”Though Mr Hatton’s malapropism was intended to cause mirth, Wimbledon officials were keen to stress that such remarks are at best either, totally unfunny, or at worst, completely confusing for those who have no idea who serial loser Tim Henman was. An umpire was heard to remark, “It might have been funny a couple of years ago. But this year? It’s like listening to some div reciting Monty Python routines at you for hours on end. And getting them wrong.”
But such perplexity appears rife at Wimbledon this year, with officials also growing increasingly concerned at the apparent conflation of ‘plucky’ with ‘shit.’ Senior steward, Leslie Knowles said, “It’s getting stupid now. Every time a British player goes out in straight sets to a one-armed dwarf that spends every other month of the year living underground, it’s described as plucky. When actually, they should be admitting that it’s shit. I saw one gentleman saying ‘Oh no, I’ve just stepped in some dog pluck. Would you mind awfully holding my strawberries? I shit them myself, you know.’ Lunacy!”
