French philosophers to debate 'What is a handball?'

Thierry Henry's intervention in the vital World Cup playoff in Paris has provoked the entire nation of France to debate the question of 'Can one really handle a ball or is it just a state of mind?' Some of France's most celebrated minds are pondering the issue of whether Henry was committing an egregious foul or simply posing a metaphysical conundrum. Robert Gignac, of the Institute de Flimflam, described what happened as a political gesture, "For me, the handball is a revolutionary act. I don't know how but if we look through a glass and we see a spider knitting itself into a wasp, who is to say that is wrong? I rest my case."

Other Gallic penseurs have come forward with their own theories. Alain Dubedubedoo said, "In my estimation, he was providing us with an essential truth. Because we are descended from Adam, a fallen man, we are all guilty of a handball during all of our lives. So when we touch the ball with our hands and then do it again, and then pretend that we did nothing of the sort until we are confronted with the proof, what we are really doing is confirming ourselves as individuals. But if the Irish players had done it, they would be knobs."

Brown to give the most mental speech ever

Ahead of what will be the most speech of his political career, Prime Minister Gordon Brown has revealed to his aides that his speech at the Labour Conference will be one of the most ludicrous pieces of rhetoric ever heard. One aide revealed that Brown has asked for five hundred chickens to be released as he takes to the stage. The collected poultry will then join Brown in a hearty rendition of showtunes whilst a troupe of schoolchildren arm wrestle. After the chickens have been cleared, Brown will construct a harp out of fudge before kicking a lion's head off.

Brown's plans have left many observers keen to see what happens. Alex Cho, a delegate at the conference said, "It's one thing fixing the economy but it's another thing entirely to remember all the lyrics from Cats."

The content of Brown's speech is intended to focus on crime, public spending cuts and his imaginary adventures as one of the Three Musketeers. One of Brown's aides said, "Throughout his tenure as Prime Minister, Gordon has had a real affinity with Porthos, the cool one, and he wants to tell people about it."

For the second half of his speech, Brown will acknowledge the continued for investment in education. He will follow this by stripping off and taking to a jacuzzi filled up with yoghurt. Pundits predict he will use this opportunity to splash around and shout, "It's like liquid clouds! Clouds! Clouds! So pretty!" Brown will then dry himself off and return to the podium to talk about corporate responsibility.

The dramatic switch by Brown from his normal saturnine disposition is a desperate attempt to try and convince people that he is not a corpse roaming the Earth and turning up in children's nightmares. He will acknowledge the numerous failures of his premiership and attempt to position himself as the underdog for the upcoming election, stating, "I'm a bit sh*t, aren't I?" Pundits predict that this will strike a chord with the voting public when they vote for David Cameron next spring.

Murray on verge of historic disappointment

After fluffing the nation’s expectations with his 3-set victory over some bloke the UK had never heard of, Andy Murray stands on the verge of cementing his place in Wimbledon history. The formidable Scotsman appears all set to be the next in a long line of British tennis players to make the Wimbledon Semi-finals, only to flap around like a sloth with Downs. Many experts are suggesting this will be the most outstanding display of disappointment since that Thai chick you took home turned out to be a bloke.

Mike Burnley, a gobby fair-weather fan amongst the ticket-dodgers stationed on the Wimbledon Hill, dug into his annual reserves of tennis expertise and came up with the following piece of analysis: “For me, this is really showing us a glimpse of the great player he has become. Any Brit player can just crash out in the early rounds, but look at how Andy’s built up our hopes. He even found spectacular form in the tournaments preceding this one, to consolidate this whole façade of brilliance.

“With Tim, our disappointments felt so cheap, you never truly thought that he’d actually go the distance. But Murray, well, he’s got everyone really believing he can win. So his 3-set tonking at the hands of some greasy Yank will be an absolute corker of a let-down. I’m gonna have to get some Xanax on stand-by.”

Previous scourge of the Nation’s hopes and dreams, Tim Henman, was reticent about the Scot’s chances in the tournament’s later stages, commenting, “Yeah… he’s alright, s’pose.” The boring Hugh Grant wannabe then added, “I know everyone’s saying he could be on the verge of making history, but what is history anyway apart from, ‘this one time, this guy, did some stuff’? Still it’ll probably beat the thrill of watching one of those fat retards win 50p on that Deal or No Deal. It’s just picking boxes at random for Christ’s sake.”

World “Too Jaded” For April Fool’s Day

Pranksters and merrymakers are reporting a massive downturn in japery and mischief this April Fool’s Day due to a universal general world-weariness. Professor Higgins of the Institute of Ersatz Academia gave his thoughts on the drop in gags, "The problem is that given the events of the previous year, people’s standards for nonsense are way down. They've seen a bloke given £17 million pounds for losing £20 billion pounds, they're expected to pay for someone’s porn habit and Britain's Got Talent has just got a new series. A story about prisoners being forced to wear nappies just isn’t going to cut it."

Office life is one area where the ramifications of all-pervading gloom have hit the hardest. Self-titled ‘Joker in the Pack’ Colin Trumby, a sales manager for a St. Albans tile business, describes his own forlorn situation. "I’m a bit of prankster, always pulling stuff that people find hilarious or exceptionally annoying. But this year, it’s been really hard. I went up to one person and told them that it was now office procedure to come in dressed up like you’re from the 1930s. They just nodded and said ‘Well at least I’ve still got a job,’ and walked off."

Susan Atkinson tells her story. "I pulled the old one about gullible being taken out of the dictionary. Later in the day I looked in the office dictionary and found that it had actually been removed. Along with hope, justice and remuneration."