Cadburys takeover forces Milk Tray Man to become a gigolo

The takeover of chocolate giant Cadburys by US food manufacturer Kraft will result in large job losses with many of the much loved figures associated with the company being given the boot. The news has hit the firm hard with many of the brands unable to come to terms with their fate. Early this morning, a Twirl bar was found to have hanged itself in the toilets. An accompanying note read, "Let's face it, I was always just a wannabe Flake."

The Caramel Bunny is one such new addition to the dole queue and she explained how the news was broken to her. "I was called into the head office and was told that I was being let go. It seems the new face of Cadburys Caramel will be a giant helicopter named Doug. He'll still have a seductive quality but apparently his sexual allure will be more helicopter-based."

Other noted changes of career include the Milk Tray man who will be a man hooker, paid to romance bored housewives and sexually curious farmhands. He seemed unsure about his new job although keen to get started. "On the plus side, it means I no longer have to climb through windows. But on the downside, I don't think I'll be able to make it through the day without crying."

The Americans' takeover means a new aggressive approach to advertising with old slogans given a bit more punch. One such example is the new campaign for Flake: "Only the crumbliest, flakiest chocolate, tastes like chocolate never tasted before. So buy it you faggot!"