Obama to snub William 'Braveheart' Wallace to appease the English

Following on from President Obama's snub of the Dalai Lama in order to ensure good tax breaks from China, the leader of the United States has confirmed that he will not be meeting with noted terroriser of the English armies, William 'Braveheart' Wallace. The reason behind this is a calculated endorsement of the relationship between the United States and the small island which sometimes proves useful as a military base in times of international conflict.

A spokesperson for the White House issued the following statement, "Although we are delighted to welcome Mr. Wallace and his band of pillagers and looters to our nation's capital, the President will be too busy dealing with other matters to talk to him about his issues of the importance of investing in shortbread and increased taxation on any food that isn't deep fried and covered in 'sos'."

Mr. Wallace was understandably furious at the snub saying, "Es tipical o these political c*nts. Ah got things to talk aboot but thae no wanna listen. Ah come all thus way by longboat to talk to the President but he's nae having it. Ah thot this wooz the land o the free boot it nae is. Youse all a bunch a c*nts."

EXCLUSIVE: “Training and Tactics Crucial” if Lions to pull off test series win

After today’s nail-biter of a match and ahead of the second British and Irish Lions Test, The Chum Bucket asked former Durham Daredevils fly-half and established Sky Sports News commentator, Reg Granite, to assess the Lions’ chances.

The Chum Bucket: The Lions came so close to winning in the first test, but were beaten nonetheless. What can they do to lift their spirits?

Reg Granite: I wouldn’t worry about being beaten. The best lesson I ever learned came from being smashed in the face with a pool cue and then held down whilst a man took a power sander to my face.

TCB: What lesson was that?

GRANITE: Never give away possession in your own half.

TCB: Class makes all the difference when results are so tight. What could Phil O’Donnell say to his teammates to make them raise their game?

GRANITE: If I were him, I’d be telling Phil Vickery to find a dog and then headbutt it until it fell into a coma. The ref might give him ten minutes in the bin, but he’d send a powerful message. The mental toughness that international-level play requires just demands this kind of commitment. Though if you are going to assault a dog, you do need to be careful. I’ve had some fights with some pretty persistent canines in my time, I can tell you. Once there were these two Dachshunds waiting for me outside a bookies with a brick: I never stood a chance.

TCB: Which Springbok players should the Lions be most worried about?

GRANITE: I would say the good ones. In my experience, good players tend to be the ones that hurt you. Bad players often mess up and on occasion play like truckers after a three-day meths binge. My approach has always been to wait, see which players have scored more than three tries and then concentrate on them. If they’d only scored one or two, I didn’t see them as much of a threat. After I’d identified who the good player was, I’d tell all fifteen of us to run towards that player to try and stop him.

TCB: And does the tactic work?

GRANITE: Absolutely. The good player’s efforts end up completely nullified. Although it is noticeable that the bad players do tend to suddenly step up a gear.

TCB: Tom Croft is a surprise inclusion in the pack. Has he come too far, too fast do you think?

GRANITE: No no, he’ll be an unknown quantity which is often an advantage. I don’t believe any of his teammates have even met him yet, and I think he’s been kept in a sack so that no-one knows what he looks like.

TCB: So finally Reg, would you care to hazard a prediction for the second Test?

GRANITE: Well the great beauty of the game is juts how unpredictable it can be! Though I will say that to guarantee victory the Lions have got to put themselves in a position where they are at least twenty points ahead by the 79th minute. But as I said there’s no such thing as a “sure thing” in rugby, I’ve been subbed on to teams 38 points clear two minutes from time that still ended up losing.