Zombies in failed coup against King of the Undead

A cabal of zombies has failed in its attempt to topple their leader, claiming that it was vital in order to prepare for the upcoming war against the vampires. Patricia Hewitt, a maggot-infested monster who has been roaming the Earth for eight thousand years, claimed that the King of the Undead was unfit to lead his armies into battle. "It's just an embarrassing situation," groaned Hewitt, "we all have flesh peeling off us but in order to secure victory against the vampires, we need someone who isn't just a mess of gibbering organs."

However, Hewitt's attempt to unseat the leader was cut off as the King's supporters came together to show their support. The king's financial adviser released a statement which read, "Dur, nur, grrrrr, full backing, dur, grrr, looking forward, venuh, blur, durr, dealing with the issues of today." The minister for zombie welfare was unable to comment due to feasting on brains.

But despite the failed coup, the move has raised the spirits of the Vampire hoardes. The confidence of the creatures of the night has been low after they revealed plans to bring in the private sector to increase blood sucking. But the news of the unsettled zombie army has brought a boost in their intent. "Surely now the night will draw in and our fangs will pierce the rancid necks of the undead," said a party aide.

Asked to comment on who out of the zombies or vampires will reign victorious, a member of the public replied, "Why can't they just sort out the f**king economy? Rather than this prancing around in fancy dress."

Anger as leaders' TV debate leaves public less time to disengage with politics

Britain's voting public have reacted with fury as a three way debate on TV between political leaders means that they'll have to watch politics instead of Britain's Dirtiest Urinals. Prime Minister Gordon Brown was delighted at the news. "Stick that in your voter apathy pipe and smoke it. I'm going to be all over your idiot box like Adrian Chiles. And there won't even be that fit one to look at either."

The three debates will take place on BBC, ITV and Sky. The Sky event will be hosted by Danny Dyer which is entitled Britain's Propa Naughtiest Politics Geezers and No Mistake Guv'nor. Dyer was enthralled at the prospect of engaging in the issues of the day. "This thing is going to go right off. I want Cameron coming in there and being like 'Bosh' and some geezer to get hit in the face with an iron bar. And then when they've all finished punching each other, I want all of them to address the national deficit."

Nick Clegg, leader of the Liberal Democrats, was excited at the promise of more national exposure. "They've said that if I am well behaved, I get to point the camera. But only for a minute."

Government to base its drugs policy on things overheard down the pub

Following the sacking of the government's chief drugs adviser, David Nutt, the Home Secretary Alan Johnson has announced that it will be formulating a new drugs policy based on hearsay, old wives' tales and a story about how some geezer took speed and got turned into a fire extinguisher.

Nutt was forced out of his job on Friday after insisting that facts be used as a guide to reality. "The man was a troublemaker from the start," said Johnson, "On my first day, I asked him to make me a hoverboard and an ice-cream maker in the shape of a lion's head. He said that he didn't do that sort of thing and I told that made him a pretty awful scientist."

Nutt was responsbile for a series of public relations disasters, such as insisting that taking ecstacy was less dangerous than horse riding. Top equestrian Erica Lotterby questioned the findings. "Horse riding is indeed dangerous as is taking ecstacy. However, if you combine the two, they actually cancel each other out. Because if you're on a horse and on ecstacy, you're likely to hold the horse closer to you because it's just so lovely."

Johnson has promised that he will no longer be reliant on the dogma of scientific fact and will be sticking to rehashing sensationalist bunkum from the red tops. "It's important that people don't take drugs," said Johnson, "the untaxed drugs of course. For instance, if you take cocaine, your whole body becomes like a giant whistle. Smoking marajuana makes your spine homesick and every time you take a tab of LSD, part of the Pacific Ocean is executed by lethal injection. Fact."

MPs fight for the right to employ the only people that don't hate them

The backlash against Christopher Kelly's report into MPs expsenses has begun with MPs insisting that they should be allowed to employ family members on the grounds that everyone else thinks that they are scum. MPs claim that they have tried to hire ordinary members of the public in the past but the results have disastrous. Minister for the Cabinet, Tessa Jowell, revealed her difficulties with the recommended practice. "It was a nightmare. I had one secretary work just one morning in my department. The next I heard, she had decided to jump off a bridge. It's only my daughter who can put up with me. And that's only because I'm putting her through nursery."

Tory MP David Wilshire told of his problems in hiring outside help. "I interviewed one promising secretary and things seemed to be going well. I said 'What are your strengths?' She said, 'Good typing, I'm diligent and I have a good phone manner.' When I asked her about her weaknesses, she replied, 'I'll be poisoning your tea.' Now my wife and I may have some disagreements such as her screaming 'I hate your fat, pudgy, good for nothing face!' every time she wakes up. But it's never gotten to the point where I thought she was going to do put mousetraps in the filing cabinet."

A compromise should hopefully be reached over the issue of expsense with Kelly expected to implement a quota of outright thievery. Kelly said, "Of course the public are angry about the amount of greed and trough-guzzling that has been going on. But then again there's been public anger over so many things that MPs are quite used to it now. The war, cash for honours, the recession, I could go on. So it's important that we set a level of permissible larceny so everyone can stop getting angry and concentrate on X-Factor or whatever plemogram is occupying their time."

MPs to reject report which claims they are utter shits

The auditor looking into the legitimacy of MPs expenses has compiled his report and the picture he has drawn is much the same as a seven year old's attempt to capture the Cornwall countryside; not pretty. Sir Thomas Legg's findings will show that a small minority of MPs are not taking advantage of their role as representatives of the people. However, the rest are the worst kind of scumbags known to humanity whose self-inflated sense of importance allows them to gorge on expenses because they feel they can pride themselves on twelve solid years of helping the country to go down the toilet.

But given that a large majority are contemptible jackasses whose only real talent is implementing mediocrity on a nationwide scale, most MPs are set to reject Legg's findings in order to keep themselves in gold-plated everything.

Ann Widdicombe, Conservative MP feels that she has done nothing wrong. "I have acted within the rules the entire time. Within the rules that I created obviously, which means that I decide what's right and wrong. So if I choose to be wrong, I will be. But I won't because I'm great."

Many of the MPs feel that the expenses are necessary for their work. John Mann, Labour MP, is insistent that they are required. "I have an exceptionally hard job to do and these expenses allow me to do that job. A job that requires not implementing regulation for the banking sector leading to the biggest recession ever seen in the Western world. A job that goes a long way to increasing the gap between rich and poor, leading to a more unequal society and a job that requires the continued loss of civil liberties. Which is why I need a swimming pool the size of Carlisle. In each wing. In each of my houses."

Brown to give the most mental speech ever

Ahead of what will be the most speech of his political career, Prime Minister Gordon Brown has revealed to his aides that his speech at the Labour Conference will be one of the most ludicrous pieces of rhetoric ever heard. One aide revealed that Brown has asked for five hundred chickens to be released as he takes to the stage. The collected poultry will then join Brown in a hearty rendition of showtunes whilst a troupe of schoolchildren arm wrestle. After the chickens have been cleared, Brown will construct a harp out of fudge before kicking a lion's head off.

Brown's plans have left many observers keen to see what happens. Alex Cho, a delegate at the conference said, "It's one thing fixing the economy but it's another thing entirely to remember all the lyrics from Cats."

The content of Brown's speech is intended to focus on crime, public spending cuts and his imaginary adventures as one of the Three Musketeers. One of Brown's aides said, "Throughout his tenure as Prime Minister, Gordon has had a real affinity with Porthos, the cool one, and he wants to tell people about it."

For the second half of his speech, Brown will acknowledge the continued for investment in education. He will follow this by stripping off and taking to a jacuzzi filled up with yoghurt. Pundits predict he will use this opportunity to splash around and shout, "It's like liquid clouds! Clouds! Clouds! So pretty!" Brown will then dry himself off and return to the podium to talk about corporate responsibility.

The dramatic switch by Brown from his normal saturnine disposition is a desperate attempt to try and convince people that he is not a corpse roaming the Earth and turning up in children's nightmares. He will acknowledge the numerous failures of his premiership and attempt to position himself as the underdog for the upcoming election, stating, "I'm a bit sh*t, aren't I?" Pundits predict that this will strike a chord with the voting public when they vote for David Cameron next spring.