What will happen in 2010

In its last post for 2009, the Chum Bucket will peer into the crystal ball, gaze into the future and then write some crap about tossers. The following predictions are not legally binding and are subject to alterations after actual events have happened.

January

Celebrity Big Brother faces ruin as the lack of any viewers means that no contestants are voted out for the first eight weeks. The entire nation is too busy working overtime to pay off their credit card debts whilst the core audience of unemployed sociopaths find more enjoyment in staring at a puddle.

February

Sick of being lambasted for trying to save the planet in his private jet, Sting leaves Earth to try and save Mars. "It's a desolate wasteground now," says Sting, "but with a lick of paint and some Mongolian folk music, we should be able to turn it around." He spends eight months trying to fix the planet but his efforts are in ruins after a NASA probe finds no signs of intelligent life.

March

The world is taken hostage after Eddie Murphy threatens to release more films. Despite the global recession, nations scramble around to meet the ransom. This stops Murphy from appearing in a British comedy with Horne and Corden, a combination scientists claim would have been the perfect storm of crap cinema.

April

Not only is Michael Owen left of England's World Cup squad, he is left out of his own house. Owen is determined to force his way back but breaks both legs whilst trying to put the key in the lock. "I'm not a quitter," says Owen, "although if it goes on much longer, I'll just buy another house."

May

Gordon Brown's attempt to call a general election fails. The Prime Minister dials the wrong number five times before throwing the phone at the wall. British law states that in the absence of a general election, the next Prime Minister must be a member of parliament who can show integrity and conviction. Due to the lack of any candidates, the country is ruled by mice.

June

Andy Murray is thrown out of Wimbledon after complaints over his excessive shouting. After winning every point, Murray is heard to be exclaiming, "You may break my service but you'll never take my freedom!"

July

England are knocked out of the World Cup after a last minute goal consigns them to an 8-0 defeat against Brazil. The Sun reacts with a headline of "Kill All Gypsies!"

August

A nationwide heatwave leads to Sharon Osbourne's face melting. Steve Lamacq promises to provide water to any home who can remember what he does.

September

David Cameron takes over the country with swift and crushing coup d'etat against the ruling mice. "I can't believe it's taken us this long to realise that they are an inch in size." Most of the mice are kept on in administrative capacities.

October

Katie Price kidnaps the Pope in order to hold onto her dwindling fame. When this doesn't work after the Pope magics himself away, Price changes her name to "Cure for AIDS." The AIDS virus sues for bringing its name into disrepute.

November

The climate change conference in Oslo is successful. All of the countries' leaders sign a binding agreement that they will turn up to a climate change conference next year.

December

The X-Factor is once again denied the number one slot at Christmas. An internet campaign succeeds in getting NWA's 'Fuck Tha Police' to the top spot. Cowell is magnanimous in defeat, "Fair play to them, it's a great record and the market for crap schmalz has run its course." The X-Factor winner is then put down.

Police raid on Jackson’s doctor’s house set to make their eBay fortunes

A dawn raid by FBI agents on the offices of Michael Jackson’s personal physician has revealed a whole load of junk that can be flogged to gullible saps, reports say. Many of the officers participating in the raid revealed that they will never have to work another day in their lives as a result of what they found. Officer Dwayne Jones held up a photo album containing some of Jackson’s most treasured pictures. “This obviously meant a lot to Michael,” said Jones, “so it’s goodbye to paperwork and hello to mucho, mucho bitches!” Operation Tat Grab was carried out in Conrad Murray’s Houston clinic as part of the ongoing investigation into how Jackson managed to live to the age of fifty.

Murray was responsible for Jackson’s physical well-being although the singer’s death has cast some slight doubts on Murray’s ability to carry out his job to any kind of decent standard. One of Murray’s colleagues defended the doctor saying, “Sudden death is a very hard thing to treat. I’ve lost count of the number of my patients who have succumbed to sudden death after being treated be me. It’s just utterly incomprehensible.”

The investigation was triggered by Jackson’s autopsy report which revealed traces of human tissue in amongst the metal, plastic, selotape and multiple motherboards that kept Jackson in working order. Chief investigator Larry Dunder remarked, “We were going to contact Microsoft and ask them what might have gone wrong with the operating system. Now there are other possibilities we need to follow up.” Asked if he would be dropping the technical lead, Dunder was hesitant. “We can’t rule it out as we now know that Jackson was using Windows Vista to run his body. So anything could have gone wrong at any time.”

Cohen's next target: bad sitcoms and their fans

His latest movie was a groundbreaking tour de force, which seemed to suggest that people working in fashion might be a bit deluded. Now, for his next project, Sacha Baron Cohen will use his satirical might to skewer those who are happy to watch average sitcoms. Cohen will travel the country before going to America after running out of ideas. Industry insiders are predicting the film to be a huge hit on the grounds that Cohen “is a lot smarter than other people and boy does he know it.”

Some advance footage has already been leaked on the net and features a rip-roaring exchange between Cohen and Benidorm fan Betty Forrester. Forrester was duped into appearing after thinking she was appearing on a channel 4 documentary, The 100 Best Ever Sitcoms Based In A Well-Known Spanish Resort. “I thought it would be one of those things presented by Jimmy Carr,” said Forrester, “but I thought something was up when he kept saying how bad the show was. I said ‘It’s not great but I like it’ and he just burst out laughing and kept saying ‘But it’s so terrible and you still watch it, you’re so stupid.’ He wouldn’t stop until I was crying. At that point he said cut and walked away.”

Another of Cohen’s victims was Simon Beaton who talked about his love of the often-maligned Two Pints of Lager and A Packet Of Crisps. Beaton admits the programme is not a work of genius but regularly tunes in on account of identifying with the characters. “I told this to the guy interviewing me,” said Beaton, “and he started laughing so hard that he was having trouble breathing. When I said that I found the stories to include a good mixture of humour and pathos, he got to giggling so much that he was in quite some pain.” The release date for the film is not known as Cohen is determined to find someone who actually likes My Family, which most comedy viewers agree on as being utter toilet.

Confirmed: Transformers 3 to make no sense whatsoever

Michael Bay has reassured fans of the Transformers franchise that the final part of his trilogy will contain absolutely no story or indeed any kind of plot. The auteur’s directorial decision was made in order to avoid the pitfalls which have beset other celebrated sequels to sequels, such as, The Matrix Revolutions, Back to the Future III and Are You Being Served 3: Bender in Benidorm. “We’re certainly not going to make the same mistakes those guys did, with their stories, their characterisations and all that trying to tie everything together nonsense. This one is for the fans, you know, guys who get headaches if they don’t see something blown up within the first minute.”

The action is due to be set in a dystopian near-future in which the U.S. is taking part in an intergalactic missile-firing contest. It will see the hero firing as many missiles as he can whilst running in slow motion to dodge the missiles fired at him by gigantic killer robots, that like to fire missiles. “The climax is a beautifully poignant scene,” said Bay, “just at the point where it looks like the hero might have given up all hope and lost the battle, he picks himself up and launches twenty thousand missiles whilst singing the Star Spangled Banner and wrapping himself in an American flag.”

Bay was also asked how he had managed to top the original Transformers movie with his forthcoming sequel Transformers 2: Bang Bang Whoosh Whoosh. “It definitely wasn’t easy,” said Bay, “what you’ve got here is a franchise that a lot of people have a great personal attachment to, and making the second movie even better is a tough job. We looked at everything, character development, narrative evolution, even making the whole thing more believable, but in the end we settled on seeing a bit more of Megan Fox’s breasts.”