Recession could be dispelled by morons' spending habits

The United Kingdom could soon find itself out of recession if idiots continue to spend money on crap, claim a panel of experts. The revelation comes as the high street chemist Boots admits that it sells homeopathic remedies even though they know that there is no evidence for them working. Keith Palmer, a manager of a Boots branch in Bromley said, "We're so lucky that our customers are mostly braindead spanners. We've been able to flog all kinds of tat on the grounds it'll improve your circulation and give you shinier toes. We're evening selling whistle oil. Apparently it gives your liver greater buoyancy."

The rate at which the tinctures of frog spittle are flying off the shelves has given Boots the idea of starting up other ventures with which to trap the gullible and the feeble-minded. Chief Executive of Boots Tug Bosendran give his outlook on the new winter collection. "We've got chocolate teapots, Katie Price novels and left elbow cream. If that doesn't draw in the punters, we've always got our back-up plan. I'm talking calendars with puppies dressed up as fireman together with the cast of Hollyoaks. It's a banker!"

The outlay of idiots on cheap crap currently accounts for 6.4% of the UK's GDP but experts expect this to rise as Christmas approaches. Professor Clive Bonnet of the Institute of Ersatz Academia gave his forecast for the coming season. "Although people have tended to rein in their spending as the recession has bitten, there is no accounting for divs. And as it gets closer to Christmas, people become ever more distant from reality. Expect to see perfectly people holding up hideous jumpers and saying 'Here, this would look nice on our Terry'. I know that I will."

T-Mobile to reveal your darkest fears

Mobile phone users across the country are being warned that their innermost anxieties and phobias are being used by mobile phone companies to increase the number of people signing up for their text message packages. Private data released by rogue T-Mobile staff means that all of their customers’ habits, dreams and desires are in the public domain. These can be used to manipulate those who would never ever sign up to any deal that features an association with something that scares them stiff. Hundreds of customers have reported instances of coercion based around the themes of “bat fury” and “a dawn raid from clowns.”

Gemma Pilsbury was a Vodafone customer coming to the end of her contract when she received a cold call from a person representing another company. “They told me that they could offer me a better deal. I said no, I was happy with Vodafone. Then they said that all Vodafone customers were required to do some public speaking as part of their contract renewal. I just froze up as I’ve never been able to speak in public. Ever since I saw Ricky Gervais at the Diana memorial concert.

“I signed up to Orange that very instant and ever since then my life has fallen apart. I’ve lost friends, I can’t sleep at night and I can never get any bloody signal.”

Joe Larkten was another such victim. “I got a call from Virgin who said that if I signed up to a two year deal, they would be able to rescue me from the swarm of bees who would lock me in a confined space. I can’t believe they would use such manipulative tactics like that. To target someone at their weakest and most vulnerable. Although the amount of free minutes I get each month is outstanding.”