Murdoch to make serial masturbators pay for content

Media tycoon Rupert Murdoch is used to being a revolutionary force within media, constantly pushing boundaries and jumping up and down on standards until they are lower than anyone ever thought possible. He was the first person to come up with the ingenious combination of sensationalist, poorly researched journalism with soft-core pornography. He has copied this model across the world and is only seconded by Richard Desmond whose own collection of publications includes Asian Babes, Indo-European Sluts and Marine Biologists In The Nip.

Murdoch has taken the step of charging his readers for the content that can be found in his array of titles. “High quality journalism isn’t cheap,” said Murdoch, “so we’ve abandoned that and put together shots of birds in the altogether with some stuff about bogus asylum seekers eating swans.” The tariffs for the sites are yet to be announced but is expected to use a system dependent on the number of bums and nipples viewed. Media analyst Tony Ferret said, “We expect that one pound gets you either ten nipples, thirty bums or eighty thousand pieces of political analysis. Of course, I expect you’ll be able to mix and match.”

However, onanists across the world are up in arms about the move. “I can’t believe that they’re doing this,” said Gary Trimble, speaking to The Chum Bucket on what sounded like a hands-free telephone. “The Sun has always been the best newspaper to beat off to. The ones in the Star always look grumpy and don’t get me started about the Daily Sport. Oh, oh, yes, yes that's right. And I’m done.” However, Murdoch has defended his decision, saying, “Do you know how many years’ training it takes to be able to get those up the skirt shots? It’s an art I’m telling you, an art.”

Entertainment World joined in sorrow by Feminist Movement as Mollie Sugden dies

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Tributes paid as “brave” Mama Cass loses fight with ham sandwich

The world was left mourning the loss of one of its greatest singers with the news that Mama Cass has lost her long fight with a ham sandwich. Paramedics were called to her London hotel room to discover that she had passed away in the early hours of the morning. Cass had had a very public and drawn out struggle with the ham sandwich, which many commentators called "brave" and "the bravest undertaking ever seen in the history of humanity."

Floral tributes were piled outside the hotel along with very small packets of ham. Messages that were left demanded to know how someone so brave could have been taken up to heaven. One mourner hoped that Cass was now on a cloud with wings with a choir of angels singing her favourite songs.

Cass’s brave struggle with the ham sandwich has inspired others to confront their own problems with ham and other porcine-derived meat products. David Chattle, a man with a Pepperami up his nose, said, "Zee waz zoo bave. Peepul sed dat zee waz juss milken it but zee inspared me to ged help with ma proplem."

Cass showed the world her brave struggle in the documentary My Ham Sandwich and Me, in which many people extolled her bravery. Before her death, Cass was determined that others should benefit from her struggle. She established The Mama Cass Ham Sandwich Institute, which is looking into ways in which ham-sandwich-related deaths can be avoided in future. No progress has been made so far but researchers are calling for more funds as they continue their "brave" investigations.