Eriksson takes job as Notts County toilet cleaner

Amongst the huge transfers taking place in the football world this summer, one deal has outdone them all. Notts County have appointed former England boss Sven Goran Eriksson to clean their latrines for the coming season. However, at his unveiling at the League Two club, Eriksson appeared to be a little confused at his role at the club. “I don’t think I will be cleaning any toilets at all. I am the director of football and my aim is to take this club into the Premiership.” Notts County chairman Peter Trembling was keen to puncture Eriksson’s enthusiasm. “The Premiership? You’ve got more chance of unblocking the U-bend in the gents. Speaking of which, here’s some gloves and a mop.” Asked about the financial risk that a big hitter like Eriksson brings, Trembling replied, "Yeah sure, he's got a some end-of contract pay out clause but you should see the shine he gets on that shower head."

The transfer is one in an increasing trend as the world recession bites into the corpulent and bloated flesh of football. Professionals previously at the top of their game now have to look for alternative employment as the cash dries up. Former Newcastle and Fulham boss Kevin Keegan is now learning to train seals at the Kings Lynn Water Park. “I’ve come here with a point to prove,” said Keegan. “People think that you can’t train seals to do much but I’ll tell you right now, I would love it, I would love it if Benji can jump through that hoop and eat the fish, I would love it.”

Back at Notts County, Eriksson has been immersing himself in his new duties. “I’ve got so much on here, it is really exciting. At first I was hoping to take charge of the football academy and oversee transfers. Then they told me that they had much more ambitious plans for me. Apparently the showers are backed up with huge lumps of hair and they need me to get in there and reach it all out.” Asked whether this was a step down in terms of his career, Eriksson replied, “It could be worse, I could be employed at Newcastle.”

Alarming development in deepening Graduate Joblessness crisis

It is late evening in Dagenham. In a disused warehouse a large crowd has gathered. They are a raucous congregation, whose jeering and shouting echo around the bare warehouse walls as they follow the spectacle that is going on in front of them. Above a floor covered with specks of blood hangs an atmosphere thick with swearing, goading, recrimination and the acrid stench of stale sweat and fresh fear.

This isolated location used to be famous for its weekly cockfights, where successive braces of feathered foul would be pitted against one another in a disturbing contest to the death. But this evening is different. No one will witness a chicken wing raised in anger. Tonight’s brutal face-off will see Jemma Saunders, a recent history graduate from Durham, knocking seven bells out of Peter Wardle who has just completed a Masters in International Relations at Trinity College, Dublin.

The growing phenomenon is being seen more and more across the country as increasing numbers of graduates find themselves unable to secure employment. With the promise of easy money, they are being lured into the murky world of fighting each other in the dead of night in car parks, on urban waste ground and in disused Victorian swimming pools. One organiser of these events explained the appeal of using graduates instead of poultry. “Well the risk is a lot smaller. If you get caught organising cock fights, you can do a long stretch. But graduates? That’s different. I’ve seen people with an MPhil in Medieval Poetry lose a couple of teeth and be grateful for the work.”

Jemma is no different. Speaking after she had finished Wardle off with a headbutt and a kick to the knackers, she explained her reasons for accepting such a shady proposition. “The money’s good and it gets you out of the house. I can make eighty pounds a night from kicking the crap out of the cream of this country’s academic elite. Plus, if I keep at it long enough, I’m promised an entry-level position at Saatchi & Saatchi.” Asked why she had chosen to use her degree to pursue a life of pugilism, she replies, “Well really, it was either this or temping.”

Swine flu “a better conversation topic than the recession”

Reports show that office chatter is undergoing a massive revival due to the outbreak of swine flu. Up until recently, watercooler based nattering had been unable to avoid the topic of the recession, leading to a decrease in the length of conversations due to the fact that “it’s so f**king depressing and will you shut the c**k up already?” But now swine flu has come along and its mixture of exoticism and possible portent of the apocalypse has sent tongues wagging once again.

Darren Phillips, a systems analyst in Durham, explains its appeal. “It’s new, it’s fresh and it’s going to kill us all. So people love to talk about it. It’s creeping ever closer to our workplace so when I start talking about it, people want know. I missed out on bird flu and harping on about global warming has got really boring. But this stuff is gold. Even the office hottie wants in. And she thinks I’m scum.”

The key to swine flu’s popularity is the general ignorance about what it actually is and how it claims its victims. This has led to wild, unfounded but popular rumours about the disease. Stories abound of the virus being able to cut holes in walls and turn kitchen appliances against their owners

The government has gone out of its way to reassure people that it will be no help whatsoever in the face of the oncoming pandemic. Spokesman Robert Wesall said, “We’re honestly about as useful as that makeover for Susan Boyle. We couldn’t cope with a couple of inches of snow. How are we going to deal with a rampaging virus like this? Do you know it can make your own blender want to kill you?”

Swan found on Sunday Times Rich list

The extent of Britain’s poverty was confirmed when the Sunday Times Rich List contained a surprising entry amongst the bankers and entrepreneurs; a swan.

The inclusion of the bird reflects the way in which the standards for entry onto the wealth-porn magazine have fallen in light of the economic downturn. Speaking about the swan’s position, editor of publication, Roger Harper said, “It shows the ruin we’ve landed in. Sugar’s been on the blower, giving it all that ‘cos he’s up to 59th. I told him that he’s only there ‘cos he managed to get away with only losing £100 million.”

The decline in Britain’s wealth meant that several unlikely candidates were close to making the cut. “There was Noddy, he’s had a great year. Sally Gunnell was close but she needed to do the shopping for the week and so she trailed off. My tip for next year is to expect to see a few cardinals get in. There’s always money in God-bothering, mark my words.”

Although the animal’s wealth is only estimated at £400,000, this is enough to put him at joint 892nd place. The recession has hit the majority of multimillionaires exceedingly hard although experts believe that they will be cushioned against the fall by the massive piles of money that they have accumulated over the years. One of the biggest losers on the list is Robbie Williams. He has not only seen his wealth shrink by £25 million pounds but he has also gone mental. Experts predict that he might be able to recover his earning power but only if he stops going on about UFOs and goes back to producing middle of the road hokum for berks.

Titanic Captain unveils new 'anti-sinking' measures.

Captain of the Titanic, Alistair Darling, has put forward a comprehensive plan in order to stave of what he has called “our relative downsizing in the middle of an aquatic environment.” Speaking at a seven degree incline, Captain Darling announced the ways in which he plans to stop water lapping around his feet and mackerel from getting in the drinks mixers. “This is a ship that faces a positive future. I predict that although the hull will sink another metre in the coming hour, I am certain that it will come back up again by three and a half metres in the hour after that. Hulls have a habit of doing that you know”

Captain Darling has rebutted criticism of his handling of the ship, saying, “No-one could have foreseen a giant iceberg in the middle of the ocean. Even though we were told there were icebergs ahead of us and several people pointed it out to me, it is very difficult to pick up a large white object against a night sky, which may or may not be completely black.”

Further proposals to stop the sinking of the ship include making sure all the curtains are shut, extra waltzes and asking the orchestra to play an octave higher.

Darling’s £15 bn efficiency drive: Cabinet to be outsourced

Faced with a growing financial disaster, that is reported to be on the same scale as Mel Gibson’s; Chancellor Alistair Darling has announced that the job of running the country will be outsourced to workers in Chennai. The move comes as a report into the efficiency of Whitehall found that most cabinet members were a complete and utter waste of space. “Although I was surprised by the results,” said Darling, packing his belongings into a cardboard box, “when you think about it, you realise what complete carbuncles most of us truly are.

“For me the most revealing insight was Tessa Jowell’s Facebook photos of a cabinet meeting that apparently disintegrated into a game of Monopoly; followed by Gordon sitting on an office chair and being spun by government officials until he sicked out of his nose... I mean she shouldn’t really have time to spend posting on Facebook!”

The report concluded that there was no real point to Hazel Blears, that Ed Milliband was in need of a good slap and a duck sitting on a beanbag could easily do the work of Jacqui Smith. “It’s probably the most brilliant idea I’ve had so far,” exclaimed Darling, setting up his new home underneath Blackfriars Bridge, “in order to save money, get rid of the biggest wasters of cash: us.”

The operation in Chennai will consist of a team of 800 workers who will formulate and implement policy at all levels of government. This has led to accusations that the new cabinet will be run by a sweatshop. However, Darling has countered the accusations saying, “It is not a sweatshop. The official name for our operation is a perspiration boutique.” Mr Darling was last seen rummaging through bins, scrapping cheese off a pizza box and mumbling “Oh yes, Papa’s hit gooey gold. Now, will you be main course or dessert?”

Teaching to be made an extreme sport

Sporting several knife wounds after an assault that left him looking like a human sprinkler, secondary school teacher Kevin McNaughton might be said to be having an off day. Instead he grins, retains consciousness and says, "These are the days that make it all worth it."

For Kevin is a new type of teacher, a former rock climber and tarantula juggler who has swapped his previous high-octane activities for the perils and dangers of the English state school system. Kevin explains his choice. "After a while, white-water rapids and bungee jumping lose their thrill. I wanted excitement. I wanted risk. That’s why I’m here, teaching history at South Peckham Primary. Rock on!"

Another to take on the blackboard jungle is Wilson 'Hot Magma' Carzola. He is teaching maths and maxin’ out at the Bromley Drop-Off for the Pre-Unemployed. He has been 'merked' five times before lunch but loves every minute of it. "It’s an unbelievable rush," he says, in between picking up teeth that have been 'maxed out' by his charges, "I thought cage fighting was the ultimate experience. But trying to teach Pythagoras to twelve year olds? They fight knowledge like I used to fight sharks."

Despite criticism from some more standard teaching bodies the Government remains upbeat about the idea "To be honest, we’re just desperate now. These guys will probably be better than nothing. Probably." said Children's Secretary Ed Balls.

World “Too Jaded” For April Fool’s Day

Pranksters and merrymakers are reporting a massive downturn in japery and mischief this April Fool’s Day due to a universal general world-weariness. Professor Higgins of the Institute of Ersatz Academia gave his thoughts on the drop in gags, "The problem is that given the events of the previous year, people’s standards for nonsense are way down. They've seen a bloke given £17 million pounds for losing £20 billion pounds, they're expected to pay for someone’s porn habit and Britain's Got Talent has just got a new series. A story about prisoners being forced to wear nappies just isn’t going to cut it."

Office life is one area where the ramifications of all-pervading gloom have hit the hardest. Self-titled ‘Joker in the Pack’ Colin Trumby, a sales manager for a St. Albans tile business, describes his own forlorn situation. "I’m a bit of prankster, always pulling stuff that people find hilarious or exceptionally annoying. But this year, it’s been really hard. I went up to one person and told them that it was now office procedure to come in dressed up like you’re from the 1930s. They just nodded and said ‘Well at least I’ve still got a job,’ and walked off."

Susan Atkinson tells her story. "I pulled the old one about gullible being taken out of the dictionary. Later in the day I looked in the office dictionary and found that it had actually been removed. Along with hope, justice and remuneration."

“Get Thee To A Nunnery” says Donaldson

With Britain’s binge-drinking epidemic leaving an entire nation walking round with their trousers round their ankles, christening dustbins; the Chief Medical Officer, has urged the general public to up sticks and join their local convent. Where they are expected to begin life anew, through an emphasis on holiness, abstinence and vicious thrashings for anyone questioning God’s infinite love.

But Sir Liam has been forced to defend his proposals against allegations of close-minded asceticism. "Life in a nunnery can actually be quite fun," he has countered, "Look at Sister Act or Nuns on the Run. These people are either singing James Brown numbers or watching birds in the shower. Top stuff." However, a trial run of Donaldson’s scheme has so far proved inconclusive, with clergy failing to report any significant behavioural changes.

A clearly shaken vicar who did not wish to be named said, "We took a load of screaming bints and locked them in the chapel over the weekend. But before you could say ‘Big Brother auditions’, they’d smashed their way into the vestry and chuffed all the communion wine. They wouldn’t respect religion unless it was some kind of fizzy Holy Ghost alcopop."

The Office for National Statistics has also questioned Donaldson’s proposals. Stating that should all the nation’s binge-drinkers enter holy orders, only six people would be left to run the country. One of the six, Michael Coogan from Derby, was quoted as saying "I’m all right filling in for a few people but an entire nation? It’s enough work trying to replace the photocopier toner."

Brown’s response to the proposal has also been lukewarm, "If Sir Liam feels the way to sort out the scum of the country is to take away their bottles, he has woefully underestimated the resourcefulness of the British poor. Regardless of the rules we put in place, a Saturday night tenner in a Bromley lass’s hand pretty much guarantees that she’ll have her knockers out by 10pm and will be boffing Darren from the Estate against the bins by quarter past."

Yet some Bromley residents don’t share the government’s scepticism. A spokesman for a consortium of "legitimate businessmen" happily supported the notion of government restrictions on alcohol during times of economic depression; saying that the proposal had historically proven to be very profitable indeed.

Ugandan Comic Relief to Boost British Manufacturing

Fundraisers in Kampala were expecting record donations following a plea from the British manufacturing industry, which has captured the hearts of the Ugandan people. An appeal was launched after Ugandans saw news reports showing the perilous state of the British economy in general and the fate of industry workers in particular.

“They looked so sad,” said Hassan Obua, “you could see the hope draining from their eyes.” Determined to do his own little bit, Obua is putting himself through a challenge familiar to many a charity fundraiser. “I was going to do the whole day in a bath of beans thing. But as this is Uganda we'll have to downscale a little bit. So what I’ll be doing is sitting for an hour or so with my big toe in a small cup of maize.” Such generosity is being repeated today across the developing world.

However, with the Ugandan economy itself in a fragile state (though in admittedly less debt), organisers have been keen to stress that the money will be directly allocated to good causes; and not passed through the hands of potentially untrustworthy government intermediaries. “Give a lorry driver in Doncaster a fish,” said David Makooza, “and he will deep fry it. But give that same man the means to catch fish. Now he just needs to worry about getting a deep fat fryer.”

“Pursuit of money pointless, wealth means nothing” declares old man in gold hat, gold robes, holding solid gold staff.

In a rare display of blatant hypocrisy, the Catholic Church today gave the gay community a bit of a breather by focusing its rage on anyone with more than a fiver in their pocket.

Despite being adorned in a gilded outfit, clutching a solid gold papal artifact, and sporting a brand new pair of Nike Airs, the Pope wailed on the various capitalist markets around the world for ‘something to do with a credit crump’. He added that he ‘can’t see what all the fuss is about’, indicating that his savings have been neatly tucked under his mattress for the last ten years now, and he’s never had a problem with that.

He assured that the continuing financial turmoil will have little effect on current Christian traditions and families struggling to make ends meet will still be expected to find hard currency for the collection plate. ‘Do I look like a sodding charity?’ asked the Pope, claiming that with winter approaching, ‘this Vatican isn’t going to heat itself’.

He went on to say that “God’s word is the only veritable reality to build on”, despite press releases of his statement being dispatched with this sentence tippexed out once it became clear that extra, previously unseen pages of the bible had only recently appeared in a Greek monastery.

These new pages and revelations are expected to feature as downloadable content or DVD extras for all members of ‘the Church’. However, many followers of the popular hobby are in uproar as the new tales do provide a completely new back-story to one of the bibles longest standing characters, ‘the Jews’.

Speaking to the bishops assembled at the Vatican for his short address, the Pope was then bustled off the podium to spend the rest of the day preaching to choirs. One of his carers, affectionately known as ‘cardinals’, approached the microphone to add a closing comment; ‘Resistance is futile’.