With Britain’s binge-drinking epidemic leaving an entire nation walking round with their trousers round their ankles, christening dustbins; the Chief Medical Officer, has urged the general public to up sticks and join their local convent. Where they are expected to begin life anew, through an emphasis on holiness, abstinence and vicious thrashings for anyone questioning God’s infinite love.
But Sir Liam has been forced to defend his proposals against allegations of close-minded asceticism. "Life in a nunnery can actually be quite fun," he has countered, "Look at Sister Act or Nuns on the Run. These people are either singing James Brown numbers or watching birds in the shower. Top stuff." However, a trial run of Donaldson’s scheme has so far proved inconclusive, with clergy failing to report any significant behavioural changes.
A clearly shaken vicar who did not wish to be named said, "We took a load of screaming bints and locked them in the chapel over the weekend. But before you could say ‘Big Brother auditions’, they’d smashed their way into the vestry and chuffed all the communion wine. They wouldn’t respect religion unless it was some kind of fizzy Holy Ghost alcopop."
The Office for National Statistics has also questioned Donaldson’s proposals. Stating that should all the nation’s binge-drinkers enter holy orders, only six people would be left to run the country. One of the six, Michael Coogan from Derby, was quoted as saying "I’m all right filling in for a few people but an entire nation? It’s enough work trying to replace the photocopier toner."
Brown’s response to the proposal has also been lukewarm, "If Sir Liam feels the way to sort out the scum of the country is to take away their bottles, he has woefully underestimated the resourcefulness of the British poor. Regardless of the rules we put in place, a Saturday night tenner in a Bromley lass’s hand pretty much guarantees that she’ll have her knockers out by 10pm and will be boffing Darren from the Estate against the bins by quarter past."Yet some Bromley residents don’t share the government’s scepticism. A spokesman for a consortium of "legitimate businessmen" happily supported the notion of government restrictions on alcohol during times of economic depression; saying that the proposal had historically proven to be very profitable indeed.
