In a statement that has drawn criticism around the world, Pope Benedict XVI has urged firemen to stop trying to put out fires with water.
The papal edict came ahead of the Pope’s visit to Africa where he is set to open eighty new franchises of Catholicism. The trip is seen as key in bolstering the church’s market share in the region. A papal spokesman said, “Africa is a really exciting place for us at the moment. You’ve got this wonderful lack of education plus a general hopelessness in people’s lives, which does make accepting Catholic teaching an attractive proposition. Promise people a front row seat at the Rapture, and you’d be amazed at what you can get them to do.”
However, the trip has been overshadowed by the Pope’s claim about the ability of water to extinguish fires, which he says has no appreciable effect and can actually make fires worse. Asked what measures firemen should take when confronted with raging infernos, the Pope replied that, “Reading a bit of scripture to the flames and billowing smoke, whilst they continue to rise up into the sky, usually does the trick.”
The Pope has also countered any allegations of pontifical inflexibility by offering a variety of solutions to combustible masses. “If you’ve got a chip pan fire, the passage from Leviticus about not eating shellfish normally works a treat. And if it’s a simple wood fire, I always find that reading Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians can be a great help in these sorts of situations.
But if you find your boiler’s blown up like an evangelist at a gay pride march, then it’s best to say ten Hail Mary’s, click your heels three times… then run like hell.” The Pope was later seen trying to converse with a snake, chasing the reptile as it attempted to wriggle away from his questions.
The papal edict came ahead of the Pope’s visit to Africa where he is set to open eighty new franchises of Catholicism. The trip is seen as key in bolstering the church’s market share in the region. A papal spokesman said, “Africa is a really exciting place for us at the moment. You’ve got this wonderful lack of education plus a general hopelessness in people’s lives, which does make accepting Catholic teaching an attractive proposition. Promise people a front row seat at the Rapture, and you’d be amazed at what you can get them to do.”
However, the trip has been overshadowed by the Pope’s claim about the ability of water to extinguish fires, which he says has no appreciable effect and can actually make fires worse. Asked what measures firemen should take when confronted with raging infernos, the Pope replied that, “Reading a bit of scripture to the flames and billowing smoke, whilst they continue to rise up into the sky, usually does the trick.”
The Pope has also countered any allegations of pontifical inflexibility by offering a variety of solutions to combustible masses. “If you’ve got a chip pan fire, the passage from Leviticus about not eating shellfish normally works a treat. And if it’s a simple wood fire, I always find that reading Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians can be a great help in these sorts of situations.But if you find your boiler’s blown up like an evangelist at a gay pride march, then it’s best to say ten Hail Mary’s, click your heels three times… then run like hell.” The Pope was later seen trying to converse with a snake, chasing the reptile as it attempted to wriggle away from his questions.
